Lulu

ICD Group

Raising Awareness of ICD is now a group on Facebook.

Come join me.

ICD

It's time to let the world know all about a condition that is sweeping the globe. It's name is Irritating Celebrity Disorder (ICD). Every day there are more and more sufferers as more celebrities to more irritating things. Whereas previously these were seen as isolated conditions, for example Ray Quinn Syndrome, they are in fact different variations on the same condition with broadly the same symptoms.

Some of us suffer ICD through a wide range of celebrities. As you know I have Ray Quinn Syndrome. But did you also realise that I have Kate Thornton Trauma, Sharleen Spiteri Pain, Lulu (yes, this one is simply known as Lulu), Victoria Beckham Mania (bad mania not good mania) and James Bluntism. James Bluntism is probably the most common form of ICD in the UK.

The more these people appear across various forms of media the more the symptoms appear. It can be debilitating and, like an ITV sitcom, is certainly no laughing matter. What makes this worse, and why I can connect this to the more "popular" OCD is that one symptom is that you cannot resist viewing this media. It's like scratching an itchy rash. I could find myself watching Ray Quinn on Dancing On Ice just so I could feel the pain of seeing his smarmy, cocksure face.

New forms of ICD can creep up on you at any time. That is why it is so dangerous and why I am spending my limited free time in promoting it's awareness. I am going to set up a dedicated Facebook group as well. I hope this won't be construed as attacking or hating specific people, it is merely highlighting one of society's problems and needs to be recognised as such. Should I get banned from Facebook for doing this then so be it. Rage against the machine and all that.

Previously I had found Myleene Klass to be a little offensive but not a candidate for ICD. That was until I saw her Pantene shampoo ad. Possibly the most offensive ad ever shown and certainly one that brought out my ICD. As I dry heaved on my way from the TV I couldn't help but Google Myleene Klass Pantene ad to discover that not only does she have her own nausea inducing website but that she has her own You Tube channel.



Look at her, she has shiny hair, she can play the piano, she can gurn and she can have a baby and still stay in shape. How can any other woman on the planet ever be able to do that, even aspiring to do that must be exhausting. Oh Myleene you are amazing. Thank you for teaching us your ways. Could you now be so kind as to fuck off until we feel the need for a Hearsay reunion tour.

Ramble

And I'll tell you something else that gets right on my neeple ends is rambling quiz show contestants. Gone are the days were the quizmaster asked a question which you just answered. Now quizzes are all multiple choice which is fair enough but the contestants now give us an enormous long story as to why they don't think it is any of the other choices.

Well I don't give a fuck what you think the answer isn't do I. All this does is mean there are few and fewer questions in most quiz shows and more rambling and almost as annoying are the pregnant pauses whilst we wait for the answer to be revealed. Honestly, they're getting longer than the ad breaks.

Here's how quiz shows should be done. Classic.

Lunch

This is the window display at Oink on Victoria Street. Very fresh porky sandwiches. Now I like my meat but I'm very much of the out of sight out of mind viewpoint when it comes to this kind of thing. Also I can't vouch for the quality of their baps.



This picture comes courtesy of theedinburghblog.co.uk

Why So Hideous?

There's some debate as to whether or not the next Batman film could have someone else playing The Joker or if Heath Ledger made the role his own.

Looks like Nicola Roberts has started to offer her services already.

Burns night

In these days of the credit crunch I've decided that this Burns night I'm going to cut out the middle man and just go for a drive, find a sheep and eat it.

Can I reassure you that despite my fondness for Aberdeen Football Club I have no intention of fucking the sheep before eating it. Though this one does look up for it.

Inauguaration

It's nice to see that President Obama let a hobo take the stage for a few minutes.

A word

Could someone have a word with poor Stevie and let him know 3 things:

1. His hair's slipping off.

2. His stylist has been taking the piss for at least 20 years.

3. That dyed beard nonce Sting is sharing the stage with you and if you're not careful he'll fuck you for 24 hours non stop. Hey Sting there's a job going that Jordan's just created for us. Interested?

Stains

If I had a Golf Sale style sign with the arrow on it but it said "Cunts" instead I would stand next to the Beckhams all day every day.

Creepy

I think this is the creepiest picture of Tom Cruise I have ever seen. He really does look like a Scientologist now.

Jordan speaks....through her arse

She told OK! magazine: "I agree with the death penalty... If someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him.

There might be nearly 2 million unemployed but I wouldn't think there'd be much of a queue for that vacancy. I could go on but I won't on the grounds of decency.

For the crime of talking shite in a national publication, Jordan you are sentenced to a life of suffering with 3 ridiculous tits. The left, the right and your husband.

Farewell Dear Tina, I could smell you from here

As Tina Malone departed CBB on Friday night she told Davina what she had learned from her stay in the house - don't judge a book by it's cover.

But if that book says on the cover "The Story Of A Fat Fannied Loudmouth Scouser That Reeks Of Fags" you can be fairly certain that it's a biography of Tina Malone.

Sign Language

I'm getting increasingly irritated by the misleading but some might say clever signs being used to lure shoppers in for sale items.

Currently doing the rounds are "UP TO 50% OFF" by Homebase

and

JBB Sports "WAREHOUSE CLOSING DOWN SALE"



PRICE CUNTS

Now That's What I Call Rough

NOW 1 was released in 1984 and was re-released a couple of weeks ago as a 25th anniversary cash in. I wasn't really in to all that pop stuff back then though I did buy NOW3 or 4 or 5 I think. Appearing on NOW 1 were Culture Club. Seeing Boy George on Top Of The Pops was my first exposure to the whole "gender bender" thing and to gayness in general (not that there's anything wrong with it). Up until then Bonnyrigg had never seen the like and for a lot of us it was a real eye opener. I often wonder what happened to that Boy George character.........

Anyway, to lighten the mood here's a picture of a surly, fat bloke who's just been done for cuffing some guy in his flat.

Least Intimidating Promo Shot Ever

Cool As Fuck

Ray Quinn Syndrome

Just over two years ago I suffered from a condition called Ray Quinn Syndrome. It plagued me from the moment he first appeared on the X Factor to when Leona Lewis finalY put him out of his misery. Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, shaking, hysteria, swearing, throwing objects aT the television, hot and cold sweats, vomiting and nausea.

I've had the odd episode or setback whenever I've seen an ad for him starring in a touring musical but this quickly passes and I've been able to deal with it without medication or counselling.

Dancing On Ice returned to our screens on Sunday. It's a family favourite although it hardly flogs my log. Looking at this year's lineup there seemed to be a proliferation of bappage with Melinda's Messengers ultimately battling it out with Holly's Willoughbys. Then there's Roxanne, Gemma, Zoe, weight loss Nolan and as per usual someone from Liberty X. On the lads side there was no sign of the fat Greek boy from Blue meaning he's the only one not prostituting himself on reality TV recently from that band. Then there's Tucker, Celery Hanley, Graeme Le Shit, Donal "Ooh put the knife away" McIntyre, some guy who fucked his ankle on the show last year and Ray "SMARMY OIL FACED TALENTLESS OOZE BUCKET YOUR FACE MAKES ME WANT TO PULL MY EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO A PASSING GOOSE AND AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOUR VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY OWN TONGUE OUT AND SHOVE IT UP THE ARSE OF THE WOMEN ON DUNDAS STREET THAT SELLS THE BIG ISSUE YOU KNOW THE REALLY GROTTY ONE WHO SHOUTS AT YOU TWENTY YARDS BEFORE YOU REACH HER AND THEN CALLS YOU A FUCKING FANNY WHEN YOU DON'T BUY THE MAGAZINE YOU SNIVELLING FUCKSTICK AND YOU'RE A FUCKING GOOD SKATER TOO WHICH MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW FOR AGES YOU FUCKING FUCKER" Quinn.

Bring on the pills.

For old time's sake

Sting

Sting turns up at the Golden Globes with newly dyed black hair and beard. What a div. The tantric sex god is a lot like my postman in that he gets down to business at the crack of down but rarely comes before lunchtime. For some reason Sting was introduced at the Globes as "singer, composer and social activist." Hanging around with some block from the Amazon with a Wagon Wheel stuck in his gob at least ten years ago doesn't make you a social activist. It makes you a cunt.

Fuck off Ulrika

After seeing a bit of the BB eviction on Saturday night's show it was blatant trickery that Ulrika went in to tear mode as soon as Davina's voice came through. Seconds before she was laughing and joking. Coolio noticed. Bad actress.

Golden Globes Review in a Perez Hilton Stylee

Exclusive! Man tries Marmite for first time, experiences near vomitus

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Outstanding work from our Little Ginger Friend

The News Of The World has unearthed a three year old video of Prince Harry indulging in some full on racist banter. I caught it on Sky News earlier and nearly popped a vein laughing. Here's Harry filming the some of the soldiers sleeping when he zooms in on his "little Paki friend". In context it doesn't seem like Harry even knows who he is but a Clarence House spokesperson has defended Harry by saying there should be a line drawn under it as there was no malice intended and it was the boy's nickname (his real name is Ahmed). No repercussions then for Harry, he ain't got a job to lose.

But hold on a second. Who gives someone a nickname like Little Paki Friend? Are we supposed to believe this. Saint, Greavsie, Lanky, Smithy, Spotty, Pieman, The Power, Big Cock, Hopalong, Cheesy, Hurricane, Shagger, these are all nicknames.

Little Paki Friend is not a nickname.

Fucking Useless Leeching Ginger Cunt is though.

Moving

Who was I kidding. For one I can't be arsed managing two blogs but the bigger stumbling block has been splitting my personality over two blogs. I am what I am and there's no point trying to get away from that or hide that fact.

So consider this blog as Gimplord Unmasked if you want. I've imported all previous posts from Gimplord into this one which has caused a bit of font chaos but never mind.

Expect a bit of anything and everything from this blog including a bunch o' cunts.

Off Yer Tits

And so it is farwell to Lucy Pinder and her big covered up jugs. She was more engaging during the exit interview than at any time in the house but as she was clearly only in it for the money she seemed quite contented.



What were all the tears from Ulrika all about. That woman is really ticking me off now. She couldn't handle the idea of the public voting her out and she loved the attention from the housemates once the result was announced. Bee hatch.

There's something for everyone

I was introduced to Salad Fingers a while back by an Internation DJ. It's creepy, surreal stuff but proof that no matter how bizarre your ideas are there is an audience out there for them if it's done well.

Now check this out by the same guy. It's just frickin' weird. I found it via Doug Nagy.

New ways to make yourself ill

I hate doctor's at the best of times but when you have to hang around in the waiting room for a bit no matter how hard you try not to you can't help but end up reading all the posters all over the walls. They invariably give you a list of symptoms for every illness you can think of (and some that you can't) so by the time you leave you're convinced you're ill with something else.

Well, that's how it works with me anyway.

Knick Knack Knock Off

You may have seen the latest Knock Off Nigel ad on TV. The whole campaign is flawed as it show's everyone at work berating their colleague for downloading knock off DVDs.

In reality of course everyone in the office would be asking the guy if he could burn them a copy.

Everybody loves knock off Nigel. It's the prick with the 'tache in the ad they can't stand.

What Tesco is telling you at Christmas

12 days to go: Buy chocolate, lots of chocolate, big bags of crisps, juice, drink fizzy juice and booze.

11 days to go: Eat sweets you love them!

10 days to go: Get drunk, eat loads of Kettle Chips they're down to a £1 a bag!

9 days to go: Remember to buy selection boxes for everyone. They love them!

8 days to go: Have a Chocolate Orange. Eat it in one go!

7 days to go: Ram a Toblerone up yourself. Then take it out and eat. With crisps and juice.

6 days to go: Mmmm, Ferrero Rocher, spoil yourself.

5 days to go: Drink 16 cans of lager. They're on offer you must buy them.

4 days to go: After eights, oh, you'll need after eights.

3 days to go: Mince pies, Mr Kipling wants you to buy 2 packs for £1.50. Eat them all!

2 days to go: Pringles are half price. Get a tube of every flavour. Eat one whilst your going rounf the shop.

1 day to go: Go to Tesco. Buy everything you can. Remember we're closed for one day so you'll have to stock up.

Christmas Day: Eat everything. Toblerone, Chocolate Orange, Matchmakers, 10 selection boxes, a tube of Maltesers, some chocolate coins, After Eights, Kettle Chips, Pringles, drink lager, drink Baileys, consume, consume, consume.

Boxing Day: YOU FAT BASTARD!! LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRACE. HOW CAN YOU LET YOURSELF GET LIKE THAT. HAVE YOU NO SELF RESPECT?? Get into our store sharpish where we have a wide range of Celebrity Fitness DVDs just new on the shelf. Half price on Go Ahead snacks and Special K Cereal as well.

The Three Gifts of Desperation at Christmas

1. Something from the Body Shop.

2. Something from Thorntons.

3. An iTunes gift card.

Congratulations if you got all three this Yuletide.

Snooker loopy

Most snooker players wear black waistcoats. Often with a black shirt as well. Even on full HD not a speck of dandruff or flaky scalp on any of them. Quite remarkable.

What is their secret. They should have shampoo sponsorhip. The Head & Shoulders World Championship. Peter Ebdon would be banned.

Verne as Lionel Ritchie

Genius. The guy is shitting liquid whilst he's doing it. Only Ulrika can dampen it by overegging at the end to steal some limelight and then patronising Verne by telling him he should be proud of himself. What? Just because you're a midget doesn't mean you can't fucking sing.

I hope she goes and Pinder Tits stays.

How much was Lionel Barrymore paid to be ignored on a crane. How low can you go in the celebrity cesspool.

BB Update

Managed to catch a bit of CBB last night and have changed my opinion on some housemates:

Tommy - dick.

Verne - amazingly nervous during Romeo & Juliet. Would make an amazing gimp for someone with minimal cupboard space.

Ken from A1 - quite funny really. Poor choice in knitwear though.

Coolio - legend. Really gets on everyone's tits, has a massive ego and didn't get voted biggest ego.

Terry Sallgold - his teeth are getting worse by the day. They look like Terracotta Army footsoldiers.

Ulrika - should just not talk. Massive ego that unlike Coolio constantly needs to have it fondled.

Tina - comes out with some cracking lines but swears too much. I like a swear but not when it's fucking gratuitous.

Michael Jackson - was sweating like a hostage during the talent show. Notice how BB really upped the original vocals in the mix to drown out the piss poor range of Mizz Jackson. She's really sweet though. Horrible green tracky bottoms mind.

Tits Pinder - was really stitched up by BB for the talent show. How standing in your pants talking about the Labour Party represents her talent I'll never know. Should have been allowed to wap out the baps though she's looked reluctant to do so. Is ever so good at apply make up and never looks less than perfect. Toffee nosed cow with horrendous points of view so would suit a ball gag. Would like her to stay in or at least flash her norks on eviction.

Mutya Buena Kinder Surprise - she's really nice and was the best singer at the talent show. Could still use a flannel though.

Michelle - her singing at the talent show defied belief. Truly awful. Definitely wasn't wearing knickers.

It's not every day

you get boffed by an International DJ (particularly big in Japan).



I consider it my Greatest Honour.

Cup Ow Soup

Readers of a previous blog of mine may recall my ultimately successful campaign to have Terry's Chocolate Orange change the sticker slogan from "Tap and Unwrap" to "Whack and Unwrap".

It's time for another product to be outed. Heinz CupSoup. Add 200ml of boiling water and stir well. Wait a few moments, then enjoy!

How long is a moment? 5 seconds? So a few moments might be 30 seconds. Try drinking CupSoup after 30 seconds and like a labiaplasty gone wrong you can say goodbye to your lips.

If you're reading this Heinz then I demand that you change moments to minutes.

CBB Initial Musings

Ha ha ha...........love it.

Celebrity Big Brother is back. Let's think about this years contestants. Special mention to Davina though. Her fitness DVD outsells all others. Hardly one you'd crack one off to though is it.

In the best order I can remember.

First in is LaToya Jackson. There's no point in saying she looks weird. Let's assume her face will fall to bits within the week.

Mutya Buena. The rough one out of Sugababes. Her name sounds like a greeting or a tin of something you'd find in a Mexican grocers. She's piled on the pounds since her last solo single and now has 14 tattoos including one that covers most of one calf. Now she looks like an over inflated Amy Winehouse doll. She'd bite it off whilst you were sleeping.

Verne Troyer. The crowd clearly finds a midget cute. I wonder if his sex tape was cute too. For a midget he's certainly a small one. Somebody could have helped him a bit more with his bag, he was knackered from the walk they made him do which in midget terms was about 2 miles.

Was it Tommy Sheridan next? He's a wank. I think they're hoping to repeat the George Galloway trick. Can't see it working but I'll change my mind if he's on all fours drinking milk from LaToya in a future show.

Lucy Pinder. She's posh. She's stuck up. She's a Tory. But look at her tits everyone! Even though she's the glamour girl there'll be no flicking off or lezzing from this one though. In the same way Nicola McLean did in the jungle she's going to be so obnoxious that you'll forget about the tits soon enough. Trust me.

Ben from A1. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tina Something. She was in Shameless. She keeps telling us she's got OCD and she's fat and she's scouse. Obviously campaigning to get kicked out. Big muff though.

It's Coolio. Gangsters Paradise was in 1995. Coolio is 45 years old. Makes a slightly creepy comment about wanting to be fanned by young girls and then clarifies that they would be over 18. That's the R Kelly rule for you. Playing the Dennis Rodman role is our Coolio.

Michelle Heaton. She never wears knickers. Never.

Terry Sallgold. I'm old enough to remember what a wanker he was on The Word. Davina informs us that Terry says he doesn't suffer fools gladly. That phrase is usually only used on CVs or in job interviews. Why not just say I don't like thick fuckers. Wanker.

Ulrika. Ulrika doesn't need a surname. She has 18 children by 19 different men. She's seen some cock has Ulrika but I don't know why she bangs on about shagging Sven as if it's something to be proud of. She looks quite rough in the VT but we'll forgive her that. I like Ulrika but she does herself no favours with the things she says. I wonder if she ever had Vic and Bob? Or a bobby covered in Vicks?

So there it is. Tits, bums, fannies, the lot.

Michelle to win and flash her minge to celebrate.

Ahoy hoy

Happy New Year

You'll have to excuse the lack of recent posts. I've had such an erection since Sandy Burke won the X Factor that I've been unable to focus.

In new news there are changes afoot. As Keith's gimp I'm being put back in my box. I will be allowed out to blog though but with a new remit that covers TV reviews, celebrity news, Coco and extensive use of the word cunt.

Keith has started his own blog which is cunt free (except for himself) and is supposed to be smarter and funnier. You can check it from here.

So, as luck would have it the spunkathon that is Celebrity Big Brother kicks off tomorrow and I look forward to covering it for you.