Ice T's Wife is Gimplady Of The Week

Oh Coco, I could lose my Tesco Clubcard in your camel toe.

Ideal Christmas Gift

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat please spend a tenner on an awful bit of tat.

Walk into any Clinton Cards store and you'll be met by a less than subtle point of sale stand for the autobiography of the Chairman of Clinton Cards Mr Don Lewin. All proceeds go to charity but come on, who's buying this? How big is Don's ego that he has this book being peddled prominently in his stores.


Think of a card...........then look at this cunt counting his money.

I'm A Celebrity Almost Live Blog

Not happening. I will say though that I love Anton Dekk, Nicola's plastic surgery put down of Dick Van Day, Carly Zucker's skin and Joe Swash. There's not much not to like so far.

In the meantime here's a picture of George and Brian getting a bit closer in a bushtucker trial.

Collective noun

What's the collective noun for a bunch of gimps?

Is it Girls Aloud?

Shizzle my rubber ended nizzle.

Captain Greybeard

Roy Keane's great. Great player, great attitude, remains to be seen if he's going to be a great manager but the greatest thing about Roy Keane is his hair. As someone who's hairline was today used as a barometer for baldness by a celebrity friend of mine this is a touchy subject. As a player he could shave his head for a Saturday match and then have a whole head of hair by the time of the midweek Champions League fixture. Never did I see Roy in that awkward in between Action Man fuzz hair. Never.

Even more outstanding is Roy's don't give a fuck grey beard. Where did that come from? The guy is class.

X Factor Almost Live Blog

Almost Live my arse! It's just after midnight on Monday and here we go. Away the insomniacs!

On comes Dermot. For once I wished he'd wearing something else. Trackie bottoms and an adidas t-shirt would be a good bet.

The judges. Cheryl's still too thin. She looks like a cocktail decoration in that dress. The earings are brutal as well.

Sandy Burke is up first. Ooh that's quite splendid. Original arrangement and she sleeps with her sister. Quality. I wish Louis would pause for a bit before he starts talking he always gets drowned out.

Now it's Tits Lorenzo. Everyone that was great but I went to put the kettle on. Could it be another sing off for The Bearded Clam.

It's JLM. No, I mean JLS with a rendition of A Million Love Songs. Weak as fuck. Truly dire. Still got a decent write up from the "experts".

Bit of broo-ha-ha as Louis and Dannii squabble over an apparently controversial song choice. Back from the ads and Danniiiii is too upset to talk. If only she'd been too upset to sing for the last 10 years.

Give her a wash it's X Factor toughnut Rachel Holiday Inn. Singing Rule The World which I think JLS had dibs on as well. And she absolutely murders it. Louis said in the VT that she can sing but there's no likeability. He's right about the latter but the voice is dreadful. There's a couple of guys in pants coming down from the roof on big curtains. Wank. Holy shit the judges think it was great. Were they listening to Sandy Burke on their iPods while that was going on.

Danniiiii is still crying. Louis doesn't appear to give a fuck. Rachel pleads for votes. Or is it crack?

Time to vomit up your dinner it's Diana Vickers. Wax Face is back! TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR FACE YOU ANNOYING COW. Listening to her in rehearsal is painful enough. Here we go then. Nails on blackboard time. Deep breaths. Have a little patience.
Why does she keep turning her hand? It's like she's got a bag of Salt 'n' Shake.

Ouch. That voice is agony. It's like bad karaoke. Ruddy murder. The hand, god, the hand. Chop them off. Bleuuurghhhhhh. Judges will obviously love it but that made me want to be punched in the balls by Ricky Hatton.

Oooof. Thanks Ricky.

Here's Yoonog. Dressed like he should be hanging about outside the chippy. Dog tags. When was your Tour of Duty then ya wee cunt? Bunch of posh girls come on the stage for the chorus. Yoonog nips behind them and boffs the lot of them without missing a beat or changing his sheath. Impressive.

Dermot tongues the whole lot of them. Just slightly less vomit inducing then when Kate Thornton used to do it.

Xtra Factor. Holly Willoughby does a completely different accent to the one she does on Dancing On Ice. She's very proper on that but on Xtra Factor she talks like she gives blowies backstage for a fiver. That's ITV2 for you.

Fuck this. On to the results show. Same Difference and Rhydian plug their new songs. This is just a big fucking promotional show for the Simon Cowell industry. Shameful.

The sing off is between JLS and Rachel. Rachel sings with balls. Literally she sounds like she has balls. Did you know that Rachel doesn't live in the X Factor house? She doesn't appear on the show anymore either. It's back to the crack dear.

The results show. Home of the Long Pause.

Strictly Come Almost Live Blog

Tonight John Sergeant and his dancing partner Kristina Collarandcuffs dance off into the sunset after his decision to quit. It makes a quite average show seem even more average.

Is it time for Brucie to go? Never mind that, look at Tess Daly's tits! They're one bounce away from falling out. The band should strike up Baggy Trousers and be done with it.

Did you ever see Craig Revel Horwood on Celebrity Masterchef. The guy was sweating like a hostage throughout and had uncontrollable trembles. Anyone he scores lowly should remind him what he was like under pressure.

Up first Brendan Cunt and George Clooney's ex. Did she have that many chins when she was with George. Doubt it. Some kind of fruity quickstep. By the way, I can't tell a good dance from a bad one. Let's make this a 1 one though since it's Brendan. Posturing wankstain. Tess appears to have tucked the tits back in. Scores 35. Piss flaps.

Next up Christine the Irish TV presenter and Matthew Cutler. She'll go soon as no-one knows who the fuck she is. They're doing the cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Bruce just cracked a joke then starting coughing. I thought we were having a Tommy Cooper moment there. Back to Christine. Hmm, that was dull. Let's give it a 5. Arlene's face doesn't move much does it. Len says Christine should have whipped her knickers off to wow the crowd. Throw in a ping-pong ball trick as well and I'm with you Len. Bit of fake argy bargy amongst the judges. Scores 29. Meh.

It's Jodie Kidd and some guy called Ian. Is Jodie really a supermodel. She's tall but the face, oh god, the face. Looks rough as fuck at rehearsals but blames the flu. Must have had the flu for the last 10 weeks then. It's jive time so break out the bunny. Starts out stiff and looks uncomfortable. Like me in silk boxer shorts. Great Pile of Shit. Good grief her sister is just as ugly and probably not tall. It's a 3 from me. Judges are saying the exact opposite. It's quite comforting to know I can't spot a good dance. Scores 30. Rum-ba-ba.

It's Tom and Camilla. Tom's in Hollyoaks. What a legend. Camilla looks like she got her hair dyed in nicotine. Nice. Tom's got his angry eyes on. And his angry moustache. Was it as good as Austin's last week? I have no fucking clue but I'll give it a 7. Scores 36. Bonus ball.

Now it's Rachel and that dirty little Italian Vincent. Will he boff her on the dancefloor this week? Vincent has ears like Spock and must be a 24 waist. Now he's mincing in a pink tutu. Hate you Vincent. He's got his hair lacquered down so it must be the foxtrot. A sedate dance so no chance of him getting his end away (on air anyway). Fiance is now a sniper in row Z and her brothers are in to beat the shit out of wee Vince should he put a foot (or finger) wrong. Let's give it a 4 but it's going to be a top score. Scores the maximum 40. Worth a blowie for Vincent then Rachel.

Follow that Austin and Erin. Austin has the pecs out. Polite applause for Bruce's latest "joke". Erin Boag is the roughest looking professional dancer on the circuit. A cross between Celine Dion and the Wicked Witch of the West. It's more cha-cha-cha, this time to the tune of Raining Men. Plenty hip action from Austin. Again, I'm no expert but the song and the dance just don't work together. I'm giving it a 2 and they're only at halfway. Judges are getting hard ons though. Scores 35. Shagnasty.

It's John and Kristina's last dance. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife and serve it between Kristina's ample bosoms. The dance is over and now they're milking the congratulations. Back to Kristina's udders again. There are tears and laughter. Like an episode of the Russ Abbott Show.

Right, that's that done. Christina will probably go. No biggie there.

Almost Live Blogs

The dreaded lurgy swept through Castle Gimplord this week sweeping the whole family before it hence a lack of midweek musings. Fear not though dear readers for tonight by means of recompense and courtesy of the magic of Sky+ (and to prove that I have no social life whatsoever) I will be bringing you three, yes three, almost live blogs on X Fuckter, Strictly Dance Coming and My Career's Stalled Get Me In There.

UPDATE: Sensational news! This is what makes this blog so cutting edge. My toaster just blew up which has knocked the power out while X Fuckter was recording. He must have known I was looking at some 4 slicers today. That's goosed the recording so the almost live blog of X Fuckter will have to wait until tomorrow after I've watched it on ITV2. What a sad cunt I am.

Cheryl Cole is once again Gimplady Of The Week

And why not.

Who he?

Here we have the Redknapp family playing their Nintendo Wii. There's Jamie, his wife Louise and his dad Harry. Who's the fucker in the green polo shirt though. What a fucking hanger on. Is it another brother, Louise's cousin, Jamie's best mate or the guy come round to clean the windows. Whover he is he should put the remote down and fuck off home cos he's not famous enough.

This is how a proper Nintendo ad of famous people should look:

See, there's no hangers on here or anyone looking out of place. Ah, hold on, the pasty ginger is supposed to be with them right. Nice of them to give her the yellow DS. Lovely contrast.
Getting back to this picture of the Redknapp's and this is a serious point. You'll remember that a few posts ago I warned the Sugababes that their red carpet posing would leave them crippled.
Well, just look at poor Louise as Exhibit A. Once a regular on the red carpet look at her horrific posture in that picture. Can you believe they photoshopped out her walking frame.

Ye be warned Sugababes, ye be warned.

More TV notes

Who needs Harry Hill's TV Burp. I'm much better and I'm loving these bullet points:

• On Celebrity Come Dine With Me Jimmy Osmond hired a midget as a butler. He called the midget Little Donny Osmond (his real name was Alan). Little Donny was dressed up as Elvis to announce the dessert selection. Bizarre probably doesn't do this justice.
• In the same show Caprice, who is morphing into Pete Burns, brought tuppaware to Jimmy's house so she could give the steak to her dogs. In no way is that insulting.
• My Career Is Going Down The Pan Get Me In There! starts a new series on Sunday. Page 3 Stunna Nicola McLean (below) has already confessed that as she's getting married soon she's only be interested in lesbian antics. She added that she didn't mind if Martina Navratilova wanted a fondle. The question is has Miss Navratilova's strap on made it in to camp or was it confiscated by Anton Deck?
  
• Apparently Nicola has also been whinging that she's only getting £7,500 for being on the show. Danni Behr, for reasons best known to the producers, is getting the top fee of £40,000. I'd assume Joe Swash is paying to be on the show.
  

Strictly Come

Though I couldn't give a fuck about who wins this there a couple of points worth making.

The first is that Brendan Cole is a right cunt.

The second relates to the flirtatious nature of the relationships between celebrity and dancer. It's quite often the case that professional dance teams are also in relationships off the dancefloor. There have been a couple of married couples on Strictly Come. Some bird went out with Brendan Cunt until he started boffing celeb partner Natasha Kaplinsky. Vincent Simone and Flavia Cacasomething were an item until she bent over backwards to accomodate Matt Di Eastender.

It's all a bit unsavoury. And so it was that Rachel Stevens and Vincent Simone did a rhumba, I think, that just managed to stop short of Vincent giving Rachel a good fingering. After the dance the camera cut to Rachel's fiance in the audience who looked like someone had just told him his soon to be wife had been fingered on the dancefloor by a wee Italian nonce with Spock ears. He would have been quite entitled to rush the stage and punch the little bastard hard in the chucks during the routine. Fucking outrageous.

Other notes:

• Is Jodie Kidd a supermodel? OK so she's tall but she has a face like a gerbil with a chronic overbite.
• There's something creepy about watching Cherie Lunghi dance in a "sexy" fashion. It's like watching your own mother. Fair play to her for her elasticity though.
• John Sargeant your time is up. The judges deliberately marked you higher to try and lessen the possibility of a sympathy vote. Come to think of it. Is John Sargeant really Jo Brand without the wig?
  

X-Fuctor

I quite enjoyed my little critique of last week's X-Fuctor so I've decided to expand on it a bit this week. It's even more cathartic than shouting at the TV and less annoying for the rest of the family who are trying to watch the show.

So, some random thoughts on tonight's show:

• Dermot O'Lairy is an upgrade over Kate "The Blowfish" Thornton but isn't he just a bit too nice? Got very emotional about Daniel and should probably not be left alone in a room with Alexandra Burke.
• A Trivial Pursuit pie piece would fit perfectly into Dannii's nostril.
  
• Eoghan should get rid of the earings.
• And I still don't know what that song was he sang.
  
• I wonder how many points you'd get in scrabble for Eoghan Quigg.
• Rachel is well rough, that we know. She's no singer either and her effort in the sing off was lamentable. She knew the judges would vote off Danny Boy even if she just showed up and farted the National Anthem of Chad into the microphone. She goes next week.
• Ruth needs to show more tit. Her voice can only get her so far.
• Diana Vickers. Standing on a fucking box. She has a face like a porcelain doll you'd find in Bagpuss shop window. She constantly waves her hands about her face like there's a wasp around her all the time. She sings like Dolores from the Cranberries gargling barbed wire. She needs to get the fuck off this show.

So all in all a pretty average show with a pretty predictable result. Nice of Leona Lewis to show up and prove that she is head and shoulders above any of this fare.

shiTunes

Just saw an ad for Celine Dion's Essential Collection.

Strangely there's a voice in my head telling me it's not essential that I own this.

Amy Winehouse

Ladies and gentlemen I give to you the visual definition of "rough as fuck".

Tribute

Language

Free Crap

The Daily Mail are running ads for free "Childrens Classic" DVDs with the paper.

"Look what Mum & Dad have hidden for Christmas" says Tristan as the kids as they find the DVDs.

"Yes" says Tabitha, "The Railway Children, Peter Rabbit and some old 70s adaptations of Narnia. They got them free from that fucking Tory rag. Tight cunts."

It seems that Tabitha's line was cut from the final edit.

Arsenal 2 Man U 1

There was one reason for Man U's defeat yesterday and one reason only.

Sir Alex Ferguson.

Sir Alex, Fergie, Eck, The Ferginator, Sexy Lexy, The Big Guson.

All down to him. And why?

Because he was wearing fleece joggers, trainers and a padded jacket. What a disgrace. At his age the only time he should be in this get up is when he needs to nip down to the Co-Op on a Sunday morning for a paper, a pint of milk and half a dozen well-fired morning rolls.

No doubts if he'd have worn the usual tin flute they'd have strolled it but that Onslow look makes the players think "well if he can't be arsed, why should we be?"

Get it right Cherry Nose.

Heroes or Divs

I loved Season One of Heroes but I'd heard and read that Season Two wasn't too hot. Season Three was supposed to be better but I've now read that two of the writer / producers have been booted and the show is wavering again. I've got 18 episodes saved in three different locations but with time always at a premium is it worth investing time in the series or should I just say fuck it. I'm asking my thousands of readers to help me decide. Let me know you beautiful fuckpigs.

Cripple

I know there's a certain way a "lady" is supposed to pose on the red carpet but the Sugababes are on so many red carpets and continually having to strike this pose and I'm really beginning to fear that by the time they're 40 they're going to be a bunch of bent legged cripples. Maybe this is why there's been such a turnover of Sugababes. As soon as one of them gets leg knack from the posing they're given a one record deal for a short lived solo career and a fat wad of cash to fuck off.

Honestly girls, straighten the legs, and you in the pink boots take your hand off your hip. You'll thank me in the long run.

Reality Bombshell

Could it be Yoonog the Youthful with the earrings and the baby face, could it be Rachel the Rough who would bite Louis balls off it he tried to vote against her again or could it be shiny-faced hobgoblin Diana Vickers who is told to get tae fuck. No, none of them cos Oh my God, Laura's been voted out on X-Factor. Fuck me. Is the earth still spinning. Has anyone checked. What was she doing in the bottom two. According to Holly Willoughby and the judges it's because the British public are a bunch of thick cunts. Well of course we are, that's why we keep tuning in to this essentially pointless shit. Or maybe it's because she sat at a piano looking all frumpy and not singing particularly well. Although he's one step up from awful the public are going to keep voting for Ginger Daniel because the judges rip the piss out of him all the time and if there's anything that Joe British Public likes it's the underdog. Laura was up against Ruth who was saved by Simon and Louis being transfixed by her jugs both of which threatened to escape during Knocking On Heaven's Door. After agreeing on who'd get which teet to suck on they carted Laura and her enormous heed out the exit door situated stage left. Cheryl floated conspiracy theories about tactical voting and grassy knolls whilst Dannii nipped out for some backstage labiaplasty.

Meanwhile over on Strictly Come the complete lack of personality in the personalities continues to have me reaching for the fast forward button and failing to give a flying fuck about the outcome. Two things still stand out on the show though. John Sargent continues to survive without dancing which is hilarious because it gets on the judges tits and Lisa Snowdon has no chance of winning because she is partnered by Brendan Cole who is one of the biggest cuntbags on UK television.

Barry Normal

Winter Warmers

Innocent Smoothies are doing a new campaign which involves knitting hats for smoothie bottles. It all hooks up with Age Concern and you can buy them at Sainsburys if you feel the need. There's an important lesson to heed from this campaign as we head towards Winter.

No matter how many bars you can afford to light on your fire you have to make sure you've got a warm lid.

I like a tight bobble on mine.

Nicole Scherzinger is Gimplady Of The Week

Enjoys wearing latex and dates a guy that wears a zip fronted suit and a helmet.

Tick my box.

Sweet & Sour

Is there a Superstar in da house