Top 20 things you could place, rest, balance or interact with on Ice T's wife's ass

First of all let's remove the sexism from this piece. It's not as if the woman doesn't have a name. Ice T's wife is also known as Nicole "Coco" Austin. Apparently her tits are named after planets. The left one is Jupiter and the right one is Venus. That's all very fascinating Coco but I am far more interested in Uranus.



Anyway, here is a list of the Top 20 things you could place, rest, balance or interact with on Ice T's wife's frankly enormous ass:

1. A Bontempi organ.
2. A pyramid of Ferrero Rocher.
3. A George Foreman Grill 'n' Griddle with 24 Herta Hot Dogs sizzling on it.
4. A MacBook Pro.
5. Jenga.
6. A Single bar surround sound speaker and wireless sub woofer.
7. Kenny Baker.
8. A window box full of geraniums.
9. A Yorkshire terrier curled up in his basket.
10. The complete Friends DVD boxset.
11. A crate of satsumas.
12. 3 McDonalds Happy Meals and accompanying drinks.
13. The Stanley Cup.
    
14. 16 rolls of Charmin toilet tissue.
15. Henry the Hoover.
16. An aquarium.
    
17. A luxury Harrods Christmas hamper.
18. 2 turntable and a microphone.
19. The Guiness Book of Records left open at the page for the record for World's Biggest Ass.
20. Ice T's big fat dick.
    

This X Factor Blog means the world to me

Watched the X Factor semi last night. I'm talking about the show rather than Lermot O'Dreary's moment of arousal. It was a tepid affair. At this stage the judges are unlikely to criticise everyone in case that affects the way the public vote.

So everyone was great. Except they weren't.

Oonog - is this what the youth should aspire to. Is this supposed to be greatness. An ordinary, non-descript performance of a Busted song followed by the blue murder of an Abba "classic". By the way, is it just me or is it true that to say anything derogatroy about Abba nowadays is sacrilege and you would be punished by having the blu-ray edition of Mamma Mia force fed to your arsehole by a viking.

JJB Sports - or Kuntz as they could be known. It's catchier and sounds less like a satellite TV channel than JLS. A highly effeminate version of Umbrella followed by a song I didn't recognise. The way Louis started to cry after the second song you would think he'd just found out the News of the World were going to run a story about how he boffed all four of JFK on his luxury Dublin casting couch whilst Westlife looked on masturbating in perfect harmony.

Sandy Burke - I felt that Sandy was a bit of a let down this time. Her first number was OK (though I'll be fucked if I can remember what it was) but her Unbreak My Heart left me disappointed. It wasn't because of the godawful Matalanesque trouser suit she was wearing but because we know from the original that Toni Braxton hits certain notes in that song. We know that Leona Lewis would be able to hit those notes. Sandy Burke didn't really attempt them and that left me thinking that her voice was a bit less special than we had previously believed. Still, the judges wanked lyrical over it as usual.

Vickers Sinex - fuck off Diana Vickers.

And so she did. At last.

The high point - Yoonog bursting into tears as he realised that he could no longer nip through to her room in the X Factor house at 2am for a bit of hand relief and banjo strumming. Cried like the schoolboy he is. I bet his hard nut looking dad will beat the shit out of him for that when he gets home.

The low point - barefoot Diana is surrounded for hugs by JML, Yoonog, Dermot and Sandy and not one of them stood on her toes.

Got my vote

Rachelle Leah is Gimplady Of The Week

There are many who say that cage fighting (like the UFC) is driving the nails into the coffin of boxing. There's hardly a boxing match that can draw a crowd and yet the more barbaric and less poetic "sport" of cage fighting is on the up and up.

Anyway, enough of that. Rachelle Leah is famous for walking round the UFC octagon holding a card aloft telling you what round it is. I think she also presents some UFC related TV. I'm just fascinated by her boots.


I did say boots.

You can't beat a sweeping generalisation

For example, never trust a ginger.

VAT saving

Everyone says a 2.5% drop in the VAT rate won't change their spending habits but after discovering that the cost of my Venti Vanilla Latte has dropped by 4p I'll be heading to Starbucks tomorrow instead of staying in the office and having a furtive wank at my desk.


Well done Darling.

Laziest Advert In The World..............Ever

The Cadburys ad with the gorilla playing the drums to a Phil Collins song was all very clever and memorable though it wouldn't make me any more likely to eat one. A gorilla that is.

So how do Cadburys follow that. I know, take the lazy bastard option and have the gorilla play drums to another song. How about a Bonnie Tyler.

A glass and a half of utter shite.

Barbour

Been a couple of weeks since I was last on a bus. Got one home on Monday though. Got a good seat and was reading the paper when as per usual the biggest fucker in Edinburgh decides to plant himself next to me. As if a big guy with a rucksack wasn't bad enough, he was wearing a fucking Barbour style jacket. Not a regular one though, one of these enormous oily tent-jobs.



It's Edinburgh mate, not the fucking outback.

Last night

I clocked myself in the plums with the plug from a hairdryer. It was proper sore and wasn't deliberate. Honest.

5am

£79.99 for the Exakt Saw from JML. Better than a conventional saw. I don't know when I last had a full night's sleep. Still, it's only midnight in North America.

Goodnight Canada.

Gimplord goes on suicide watch and other X Factor related musings

• Twas Britney night on X Factor. I'm a big Cheryl fan but she looks like the lolly from a Sherbet Dib-Dab next to Britney.
• Red ribbons all round as well. Who needs government when the X Factor is telling us what to do.
• Lermot O'Dreary and his Action Man hair get more annoying as the weeks go on. He must have an aching frenulum from all the tongue action he dispenses.
• First up was Tits Lorenzo. Never good to go first but if you're going to save yourself make sure your squeezed into a basque. Can't remember what she sang but it was OK.
• Next, I think were JML. I don't know their names except for the wee lead singer who seems to be called Aston. Aston has really weird earlobes. They hang very low and detached from his face as if he's been wearing Pat Butcher's earings since he was 5 years old. Simon says they were limp and lame which is fair enough.
• Sandy Burke sleeps with her sister and is singing Toxic tonight and is wearing rubber kex. She couldn't look or sing any better and is clearly now the most talented person in the competition. Having said that I don't think she'll win. On closer inspection you could drive a small die cast car up the middle of her parting and not touch any hair. Sack the stylist.
• Yoghurt Quigg is piss poor. There's no energy or balls behind any of his work. Dannii warns him she's not enjoying the kind of High School Musical route he's going so he better not sing one of them later or she'll be raging.
• Would Diana Vickers please put some fucking shoes on. I don't even want to talk about her voice.
• Ding ding round 2 of this marathon session. Tits Lorenzo is singing behind a farting goose. Or maybe a wind machine. A very aggressive version of Always. And here come the tears. Not a good look for Ruth as she's crying like she just got a javelin in the leg.
• Was it JML next again. White suits, fucking awful bog standard ballad. What a bunch of ferrets dicks these guys are. Dermot asks a question and one of the guys answers but Dermot wants Aston to answer because he looks like he's going to cry. Aston can't talk so the original guy answers the question.
• And that question will invariably be - how much does this mean to you? And the answer will always be - the world Dermot. I'd vote for Diana Vickers if she came on and said she could take it or leave it, no biggie.
• Sandy Burke belts out a stotter. So good in fact that Simon and Louis started applauding eagerly after she'd sang one word. I kid you not. She's full on crying and for the second time Dermot is reaching for a hankie. What, he's going to have a wank in front of Sandy Burke! No, it's just for her tears. The thing is it's a really crumpled old bit of tissue like you'd get stuck to your shoe in a nightclub toilet. Is it the same one he offered to Ruth. You'd think he would offer a fresh Kleenex Pocket Wipe. Credit crunch hits X Factor.
• Cheryl is crying with Sandy Burke. The next logical step would be for them to meet on stage and embrace. Then maybe have a bit of a snog.
• Oh no Yoogan's doing High School Musical. Dannii's going to slate him. No. In a total contradiction she thinks it really suits him and was wonderful. No Danniiiii. It was fucking lame. Soft as shit. He's no Zac Efron.
• Greatest moment in the X Factor ever as Yoonog focuses really hard to produce a tear but there's nothing there. Dermot says he's looking emotional but there's no tear. He's trying like constipated bear pushing one out before hibernation. Fucking pathetic.
  
• Probably my most despised song of all time is REM's Everybody Hurts. Fuck a duck Diana Vickers is singing it. Gimplord is on suicide watch. It's truly terrible and she's still not wearing any shoes.
• Vickers is kind of crying now. She looks like she's been smeared in Vaseline. Bit like Louis arsecheeks then. Dermot's reaching for the wanky hanky again. Dirty bastard.
  
• Miley Cyrus can proper sing compared to that Vickers woman. And she's younger. And she's wearing something on her feet.
  
• I've not seen the results show but its goodbye Tits Lorenzo. It's been on the cards.
• Britney mimed.
  
• Only Sandy Burke is worth voting for.
  
• I hate X Factor.