It's a sad day when you send a gimp suit in the post to Cheryl Cole and she only wears part of it in the 2009 calendar. The good people at Hollywood Tuna have more.
Sunday 28 September 2008
Cheryl Cole is Gimplady Of The Week
It's a sad day when you send a gimp suit in the post to Cheryl Cole and she only wears part of it in the 2009 calendar. The good people at Hollywood Tuna have more.
Moob Judder
I got on one of those long bendy buses on Friday. I sat at the seats just at the bendy bit and started to read the Metro (staring out the windows has dropped dramatically since the Metro started to be published).
The bus vibrates so violently at those seats that I got the worst case of moob judder I've ever had and so I switched to a seat at the back.
A word of warning then ladies and gentlemen. If you're going to sit on the bendy seats make sure that you're wearing a proberly fitted bra or mansierre.
The bus vibrates so violently at those seats that I got the worst case of moob judder I've ever had and so I switched to a seat at the back.
A word of warning then ladies and gentlemen. If you're going to sit on the bendy seats make sure that you're wearing a proberly fitted bra or mansierre.
Laser eye surgery
I'm disturbed by TV adverts for laser eye surgery for two reasons.
1. They quote a price per eye. Yeah, I think I'll get one eye corrected just now and make do with not being able to see shit through the other eye and just deal with the daily headaches from squinting.
2. It says "prices from". So there's different levels of eye surgery. Well this here's the £20 option done by pointing a gun from Laserquest at your pupil for an hour. It might work.
1. They quote a price per eye. Yeah, I think I'll get one eye corrected just now and make do with not being able to see shit through the other eye and just deal with the daily headaches from squinting.
2. It says "prices from". So there's different levels of eye surgery. Well this here's the £20 option done by pointing a gun from Laserquest at your pupil for an hour. It might work.
Thursday 25 September 2008
Inspiration Is All We Need
This guy is totally cool. Imagine holding your own cock and balls hostage. Maybe he sent a ransom note to his girlfriend. Or more likely, his mum.
"I want 3 double cheeseburgers, large fries, a banana milkshake and a helicopter here within 30 minutes or you'll never wash these privates again."
Wednesday 24 September 2008
Le Crunch
Obviously the credit crunch is the big news story just now. How Mr. Brown needs a terrorist attack to get this off the front pages. Ooh, controversially Gimplord steps into the political arena. See how quickly I can jump back out.
The shops all have crunch related signage next to their discounted goods - Price Crunch, Beat The Crunch, Crunchbusters. Somehow it seems that this crunch thing has been turned on it's head and it's Joe Public that's to blame for all this. The supermarkets are helping us out. Look it's buy one get one free on a Pukka Pie, they've shaved 10p of the price of reformed ham. Bless them as they put the prices up of everything else we buy.
As an aside I'd like to thank Marks & Spencer for upping the price of the cheese & tomato roll from £1.50 to £1.75. I was asking for it really. But thanks for making potato croquettes half price and bombarding me with pictures of Myleene Klass and her amazing post pregnancy body trying to sell me some foreign currency. She's attractive (to some) in a slightly Stone Age way and she can sing (kinda) and play the piano. Like a bargain basement Alicia Keys.
Talking of Alicia Keys. Do you think she has to play the piano in every single bloody video she's ever made. Alicia love, you're beautiful, you're talented, we know you can play the piano but when you're belting out high notes in a subway station and playing the keyboard we're starting to lose interest in your song because we're too busy thinking about how you got the damn piano down there in the first place and how the hell you're going to get it home.
Where was I going with this. Oh yes. I'd like to see a store that refuses to cut the prices on anything but doesn't put prices up either. A bit of consistency. John Lewis would be good for that. FUCK THE CRUNCH signs hanging in every department. It's got more of a ring to it than Never Knowingly Undersold.
The shops all have crunch related signage next to their discounted goods - Price Crunch, Beat The Crunch, Crunchbusters. Somehow it seems that this crunch thing has been turned on it's head and it's Joe Public that's to blame for all this. The supermarkets are helping us out. Look it's buy one get one free on a Pukka Pie, they've shaved 10p of the price of reformed ham. Bless them as they put the prices up of everything else we buy.
As an aside I'd like to thank Marks & Spencer for upping the price of the cheese & tomato roll from £1.50 to £1.75. I was asking for it really. But thanks for making potato croquettes half price and bombarding me with pictures of Myleene Klass and her amazing post pregnancy body trying to sell me some foreign currency. She's attractive (to some) in a slightly Stone Age way and she can sing (kinda) and play the piano. Like a bargain basement Alicia Keys.
Talking of Alicia Keys. Do you think she has to play the piano in every single bloody video she's ever made. Alicia love, you're beautiful, you're talented, we know you can play the piano but when you're belting out high notes in a subway station and playing the keyboard we're starting to lose interest in your song because we're too busy thinking about how you got the damn piano down there in the first place and how the hell you're going to get it home.
Where was I going with this. Oh yes. I'd like to see a store that refuses to cut the prices on anything but doesn't put prices up either. A bit of consistency. John Lewis would be good for that. FUCK THE CRUNCH signs hanging in every department. It's got more of a ring to it than Never Knowingly Undersold.
Bag To Work
There's nothing worse than having to take a carrier bag in to work with your lunch and stuff in it. I'd usually stuff my pockets instead but I'm having a lunch / dinner combo today.
As always the bags in the house are from women's clothes shops or are massively oversized like Ice T's wife's tits.
And so it was that I was left with the highly camp "Disney On Ice" bag. Of course, standing next to me at the bus stop was another guy with a carrier bag for work. His was G-Star. What a cock.
I suppose in these days of crunch the bag to be seen with would be an embroidered hemp bag with the LIDL logo on it. The times they are a-changing.
As always the bags in the house are from women's clothes shops or are massively oversized like Ice T's wife's tits.
And so it was that I was left with the highly camp "Disney On Ice" bag. Of course, standing next to me at the bus stop was another guy with a carrier bag for work. His was G-Star. What a cock.
I suppose in these days of crunch the bag to be seen with would be an embroidered hemp bag with the LIDL logo on it. The times they are a-changing.
Pinstripe
I once owned a pair of pinstripe trousers but I've never owned a pinstripe suit. I'm now coming to the conclusion that you can't look right in a pinstripe suit. Fiction says you can but reality says you can't. Stay in touch with reality.
The Great Tesco Put Down
Witnessed at Tesco last night. A young couple, 20's, the girl is talking about a misleading price offer on bottles of Coke when I stop by to pick up some cans.
His response to her discovery:
"Shut. Your. Pus."
A beautiful moment of relationship bliss. No raised voices, no arguments. Wonderful.
His response to her discovery:
"Shut. Your. Pus."
A beautiful moment of relationship bliss. No raised voices, no arguments. Wonderful.
Tuesday 23 September 2008
Great swear
I like a swear. Golly gosh who doesn't?
Last night I watched the last ever episode of The Wire on FX. It was an emotional time and I don't want to go back on that rollercoaster but I did want to make you aware of a fantastic swear.
Police Commissioner Rawls to Detective McNulty - "You're a cunt hair away from being indicted McNulty".
Now you don't get that quality of writing on Coronation Shit, Hollywanks, Emmerdick or Eastfuckingenders do you.
Splat
I was waiting on a bus the other day when some guy on a recumbent bicycle went past me down the bus lane. Now, I'm not a cyclist myself but I'm not averse to cycling. It's just when you watch the way some buses and cars motor past cyclists it looks a bit dangerous. That's except for those cyclists who can't tell the difference between a pavement and road. I think they're called wankers.
If you're going to pedal to work on a recumbent bicycle then you really are taking your life in your hands. Most lorries could drive over you if they could even see you and let's face it they look fucking ridiculous. Are they supposed to be more comfortable, more ergonomic or are these people really just twats.
I'll stick with the latter until someone can prove otherwise.
Gordon Brown's Wife
Do you think Gordon Brown's wife ever says "For fuck's sake Gordon would you wash your hair" before he leaves for work in the morning?
Friday 19 September 2008
Buff
This is Ray Moon. He's 80. Proof that you're never too old to get buff. Tickets are now being printed for The Gimplord Gun Show.
In The Night Garden
I never let the kids watch the Teletubbies on the grounds that they were a bunch of fucking freaks (pot, kettle, black) but I have relented with In The Night Garden. It's similar to the Teletubbies in that in order to market the programme globally the characters all talk shite rather than any discernible language. The big difference is that the characters are kind of cute. And they arrive in a spaceship with a great big tit on the end!
Venti Vanilla Latte
The Starbucks Venti Vanilla Latte now comes with an asterisk on the cup.
* may cause wind which you will have to suck up if working in an open plan office. Nip to the bogs now and again for a good fart.
* may cause wind which you will have to suck up if working in an open plan office. Nip to the bogs now and again for a good fart.
Ryder Cup
I've been quite looking forward to watching the Ryder Cup in glorious full HD. I reckon this is the only time you can say I'm proud to be a European. Well, that and when you're watching some particularly adventurous Dutch or German exotic film.
Request
OK, I don't know about you but I'm in the mood for some cats, a clown blowing a bubble gum balloon and a naked woman playing the ukelele.
Ah, there you are.
Ah, there you are.
Rick & Steve
Quality gimp mask image here from episode 3 of Rick & Steve. Catch it on E4 on Wednesday's at 10.30pm. Miss it, like I did with episode 1 and you're goosed as with all the best programmes they don't repeat it through the week.
Tuesday 16 September 2008
X Factor
I'm no fan of the X Factor but as long as Cheryl's a judge then it's worth watching. Love the way she gave the no to the guy with the piano tie.
"I've worked so hard on this for 3 years Cheryl."
Fuck off.
I have no vocal talent whatsoever but I'd gladly go on the show to get a no from Cheryl. A simple no, a hell no, a no fucking way, a get the fuck out of here. It's all good.
Tuesday 9 September 2008
Panasonic Viera
42" with Sky HD. Wow, what a picture.
Have been particularly enjoying the US Open tennis on the big screen. Now I'm no fan of Andy Murray, his performance at the Olympics was shameful and discredited the sport, but I was behind him all the way in this tourney.
I can't help but think though that his defeat in the final was all down to his neck beard getting too itchy. I know how it feels when you've let it go a day too far. It's very distracting.
Maybe Roger Federer could throw a Gillette razor Andy's way in time for the next tourney.
Have been particularly enjoying the US Open tennis on the big screen. Now I'm no fan of Andy Murray, his performance at the Olympics was shameful and discredited the sport, but I was behind him all the way in this tourney.
I can't help but think though that his defeat in the final was all down to his neck beard getting too itchy. I know how it feels when you've let it go a day too far. It's very distracting.
Maybe Roger Federer could throw a Gillette razor Andy's way in time for the next tourney.
Lost notebook
Yeah, that was brutal. Lost a lot of notes on the Olympics and plenty other random bull. Kind of made me retreat into my shell for a bit. But here I am again. More comebacks than Evander Holyfield.
Thanks to KT for spotting this clip sans gimp mask
See more Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay videos at Funny or Die
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