Tuesday 26 February 2008
Friday 22 February 2008
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Bus cam
We're all used to cameras on buses nowadays, especially upstairs. How relaxing it is to watch the screen all the way home and see 3 or 4 bus action views.
I sat one from the back on the Airport bus on Monday. When I saw the screen at the front of the bus I was shocked nay stunned to see my own features in extreme close up.
Looking up at ceiling I saw a camera placed right above my seat. What's the point of that? You can only see one seat. Bit restricting from a security standpoint and I didn't care for it one bit as I was trying to have a bit of a snooze.
The good news was I managed to convince the guy who was wanking off over a Page 3 "Stunna" to swap seats with me.
You should have seen his face at the vinegar strokes. Well, if you were on the bus you already have.
I sat one from the back on the Airport bus on Monday. When I saw the screen at the front of the bus I was shocked nay stunned to see my own features in extreme close up.
Looking up at ceiling I saw a camera placed right above my seat. What's the point of that? You can only see one seat. Bit restricting from a security standpoint and I didn't care for it one bit as I was trying to have a bit of a snooze.
The good news was I managed to convince the guy who was wanking off over a Page 3 "Stunna" to swap seats with me.
You should have seen his face at the vinegar strokes. Well, if you were on the bus you already have.
Short round
If you're only about 5ft tall why would you wear a long leather trenchcoat.
Makes it look like your legs are melting away.
Tit.
Makes it look like your legs are melting away.
Tit.
Valentines Dinner
Whilst out for Valentines dinner I was put right off my stroke by a guy dining alone at a table opposite. There was one chair, one setting, one bottle of wine with one glass.
Had he been stood up?
Was he a travelling salesman?
Was he a fucking loon?
Either way he had some size of cajones to do that.
My money's on the loon theory.
Had he been stood up?
Was he a travelling salesman?
Was he a fucking loon?
Either way he had some size of cajones to do that.
My money's on the loon theory.
Bad tights
What's with leopardskin tights?
I saw a girl wearing a set of light green ones last week.
Actually looks more like a skin condition.
They should call them Leper Skin Tights instead.
I saw a girl wearing a set of light green ones last week.
Actually looks more like a skin condition.
They should call them Leper Skin Tights instead.
Slots and tans
Would anyone go to play the slot machines and think I might as well get a tan while I'm here or do people go for a tan and think I might as well have a go on the slits while I'm here.
It's a chicken and egg thing and I really need to know.
It's a chicken and egg thing and I really need to know.
Belated Valentines
Seeing the men of Edinburgh scramble about last Thursday for roses, cards and chocolates proves how society demands things of us.
Valentines is one of these events whose costs should form part of a relationship tax. As soon as you get into a relationship you know you have to buy Valentines gifts, Mothers Day gift for the mother-in-law and additional contributions towards birthdays, Christmas, etc.
Forget pre-nups, a guy should get his girlfriend to fill out a relationship tax form so that he can budget for it every month.
By the way, these card companies aren't slow. On the 15th February Clinton Cards had been transformed into a Mothers Day emporium. Almost as stunning a turnaround as seeing a bus side ad for Creme Eggs on January 2nd.
Valentines is one of these events whose costs should form part of a relationship tax. As soon as you get into a relationship you know you have to buy Valentines gifts, Mothers Day gift for the mother-in-law and additional contributions towards birthdays, Christmas, etc.
Forget pre-nups, a guy should get his girlfriend to fill out a relationship tax form so that he can budget for it every month.
By the way, these card companies aren't slow. On the 15th February Clinton Cards had been transformed into a Mothers Day emporium. Almost as stunning a turnaround as seeing a bus side ad for Creme Eggs on January 2nd.
Notebook
For the first time since I traumatically lost the last one on a bus a few months ago I've started to carry a notebook again. You kind of have to as there's so much gak flows into my mind that most of it falls out again if I don't write it down at the time.
I'm resisting the temptation to keep it in the back trouser pocket which means it's less curvy and slightly cooler than the last one. And won't smell of pumps.
I'm resisting the temptation to keep it in the back trouser pocket which means it's less curvy and slightly cooler than the last one. And won't smell of pumps.
Sunday 10 February 2008
Wednesday 6 February 2008
Tuesday 5 February 2008
Sunday 3 February 2008
Creamy Business
Pierce Brosnan just rode a horse along the beach, played pool with some friends and told me I should use some L'Oreal anti-wrinkle cream because I'm worth it.
I've never even met the man. Can't believe he's stooped to this kind of cold calling now that he's lost the Bond gig. Next he'll be phoning me at 9am on a Sunday morning to tell me I'm eligible for a free sample and by the way if I could replace all the windows and doors in my house how many would I replace.
Back of Brosnan, I'm strictly a Nivea Sensitive man.
And it's a new build, so none.
I've never even met the man. Can't believe he's stooped to this kind of cold calling now that he's lost the Bond gig. Next he'll be phoning me at 9am on a Sunday morning to tell me I'm eligible for a free sample and by the way if I could replace all the windows and doors in my house how many would I replace.
Back of Brosnan, I'm strictly a Nivea Sensitive man.
And it's a new build, so none.
Mugs & Jugs
"Harris"
"Jacob"
"CockFace"
Spent a couple of hours at "The Badly Dressed Middle Class Wankers Experience" earlier. Actually it's a ceramic workshop for the kids where you get to paint plates and mugs and such, then get them glazed and pick them up the next day. The kids had a great time but fuck me if it isn't full of utter wankstains. People who dress in the dark, have hair that no salon could tame and kids with surnames for first names and faces that you would love to skelp with a freshly brewed hot water bottle.
There was one 6ft, ruddy faced she-troll wearing Caterpillar boots and with hands the size of shovels (she was the mother of Harris) who proceeded to lollop her tit out and clamp some gurning faced spud-u-lookalike baby to it.
I don't have a major beef with breast-feeding but surely a bit more discretion is required than just pulling an udder out your knitwear and let it flail around helplessly as if you were in your own home. Suddenly I have to look anywhere except straight ahead. Very distracting.
No wonder I ended up painting a nipple on the side of my mug.
"Jacob"
"CockFace"
Spent a couple of hours at "The Badly Dressed Middle Class Wankers Experience" earlier. Actually it's a ceramic workshop for the kids where you get to paint plates and mugs and such, then get them glazed and pick them up the next day. The kids had a great time but fuck me if it isn't full of utter wankstains. People who dress in the dark, have hair that no salon could tame and kids with surnames for first names and faces that you would love to skelp with a freshly brewed hot water bottle.
There was one 6ft, ruddy faced she-troll wearing Caterpillar boots and with hands the size of shovels (she was the mother of Harris) who proceeded to lollop her tit out and clamp some gurning faced spud-u-lookalike baby to it.
I don't have a major beef with breast-feeding but surely a bit more discretion is required than just pulling an udder out your knitwear and let it flail around helplessly as if you were in your own home. Suddenly I have to look anywhere except straight ahead. Very distracting.
No wonder I ended up painting a nipple on the side of my mug.
Mostly Toss
Just caught up with the first 2 episodes of Modern Toss and I have to say that it's time to put up the screens and shoot the horse.
The Modern Toss books are superb, no doubt, and in series one some of it seemed to translate well to TV and some of it didn't. As Dinkle pointed out to me the problem could be that instead of having the character voices in your head they've now mainly got Cockney accents and that ain't good.
Certainly any sketch that featured real actors lacked any real quality and wouldn't make it into a BBC3 sketch show (and that's saying something). There are even more of these in series 2 which means I spent a lot of time pounding that fast forward button.
Regrettably, characters such as Mr Tourette's and Alan which borderline worked in series 1 have been given extended scripts which are just full of lame padding followed by a rehash of a the same punchline. The only sketch that emerges with any credit is Space Argument which is always original, always cruel and vindictive and has the accents spot on. Here's a clip, judge for yourself.
The Modern Toss books are superb, no doubt, and in series one some of it seemed to translate well to TV and some of it didn't. As Dinkle pointed out to me the problem could be that instead of having the character voices in your head they've now mainly got Cockney accents and that ain't good.
Certainly any sketch that featured real actors lacked any real quality and wouldn't make it into a BBC3 sketch show (and that's saying something). There are even more of these in series 2 which means I spent a lot of time pounding that fast forward button.
Regrettably, characters such as Mr Tourette's and Alan which borderline worked in series 1 have been given extended scripts which are just full of lame padding followed by a rehash of a the same punchline. The only sketch that emerges with any credit is Space Argument which is always original, always cruel and vindictive and has the accents spot on. Here's a clip, judge for yourself.
Friday 1 February 2008
Drop the monologue
Eastenders just ran another fucking 30 minute Dot Cotton monologue episode. Brutal, absolutely brutal. Out of all the soaps it's Eastenders that continues to trot out these kind of episodes or have a couple of dipshit characters suddenly go into the most eloquent of conversations. I don't think I could listen to anybody, even my best friend, prattle on for 30 minutes without falling asleep / walking out the room / telling them to shut the fuck up.
Nuff said.
Nuff said.
Poop chute
It is tres amusing that adverts for toilet cleaners tend to skirt round the issue of why you might want to clean your toilet with their product. For instance, Harpic's new ad tells us how their new formula gets rid of limescale and rust.
That's all well and good but does it get rid of stubborn shit. Can't we see an ad where the dad's just left an aggressive skidmark five minutes before dinner guests are due to arrive. It's OK everyone here's Harpic it gets rid of all heavy soilage.
Harpic - for when the shit hits the pan.
I should work in advertising.
That's all well and good but does it get rid of stubborn shit. Can't we see an ad where the dad's just left an aggressive skidmark five minutes before dinner guests are due to arrive. It's OK everyone here's Harpic it gets rid of all heavy soilage.
Harpic - for when the shit hits the pan.
I should work in advertising.
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