Ha

I was in one of Schindlers Lifts today.

Lions

Just passed a store where the ultra expensive British & Irish Lions apparel is being heavily discounted at no great surprise.

You've got about a 4 week window to wear the stuff so it's almost an everyday wear to get the value.

Anyone wearing the stuff now looks like a bit of a cunt. Obviously I wouldn't say that to their face since they're undoubtedly built like a brick shithouse.

A response from Sky News

Dear Kwallity

Many thanks for your correspondence of 30 June. As our esteemed leader Murdoch is controller of the weather we arranged for a small period of blazing sunshine to appear at the moment you decided to walk uphill in to town wearing a jacket. This provided us with much hilarity via satellite as you began to sweat like Lee Evans on stage.

If we could paraphrase DJ Talent for a moment - when we say Britain, we mean London! Britain is London, Britain is London!

Yours faithfully

Sky News

Ana Ivanovic Retires Hurt

And here's the pictorial evidence. She hurt her thigh and is trying to rub it better. At least I think that's what she's doing.

An Open Letter to Sky News

Dear Sky News

Can I point out that Britain is not basking in a heatwave, London and the South East is. I know that from your point of view London is Britain but the rest of us are finding this type of reference to be right fucking tedious.

For the record our weather in Edinburgh today is akin to that seen in Carpenter's The Fog, King's The Mist or Shakespeare's The Pea Soup.

Yours

Kwallity

Anyone for tennis?

Fans of this blog have been clamouring for some tennis commentary and who am I to disappoint.

Unlike Andy Murray who's made a right cunt of the opening set.

My point though is that the acoustics on Centre Court are awful. It's like playing tennis in a cupboard. Which I would do against Ana Ivanovic.

Pardon I

Oh sorry I appear to be using your face as a bowling ball. I must apologise, I'm not a dirty player and would never do it on purpose.

Tut and indeed, tut.

IFH Monday's

I.F.H. MONDAY'S from Nick Swardson

Gary Richardson is a talentless tit

In terms of sports interviewing techniques the BBC's Gary Richardson is the most inane cunt I have ever had the displeasure to listen to. Think of Garth Crookes at his worst then double it. I have witnessed some of his interviews before and the questions lack any kind of angle or insight. The kind of things that a 3 year old might ask.

Just saw him interview Andy Murray with the classic what have you been doing this morning?

Andy Murray replied with some of the following. Take your pick as to which.

"Got up"

"Had a shower"

"Had a wank in the shower thinking about the Williams sisters"

"Had a wank in the shower thinking about Rafael Nadal and a pumice stone"

"Had some cereal"

"Talked to you you smarmy little cunt"

Bees v Wasps

Remember the summers of your youth when bees were bees and wasps were wasps?

Back in the 70s bees were considered pretty dangerous. They were everywhere. Wasps you didn't see so much though they were still to be avoided which I've managed to do with bees and wasps.

Touch my wood.

Nowadays, all wasps are complete bastards. Really aggressive cunts with attitude and big balls. Bees are like they've been smoking dope for the last 30 years. Big bumbly bastards who meander about at a pedestrian speed, minding their own business in the main. Don't get me wrong, stand on the thing and it'll sting you but they just seem to have a different agenda to us and to wasps.

There was a bee came in the window on Sunday. I told it to fuck off and it did! Right back out the window. You wouldn't get that from a wasp.

Standards are slipping

Yesterday I was passing through town when I saw a place called the "Open Eye Gallery".

What the fuck? Are we actively promoting the display of naked sphincter muscles and glands in the high streets of Edinburgh.

Doesn't anybody think of the children anymore?

I contacted the local MP to demand that this abomination have the windows frosted and a strictly over 21's admittance policy.

He told me to fuck off as he was trying to do an expense claim for his recent Prince Albert.

Ruff

I think it's fair to say that Jordan is rapidly cashing in the goodwill she has built up with the British public over the last few years. As Peter Andre is photographed having fun with the children so it is that Jordan is pictured on holiday with musclebound men reassuring her, for a fee, that she's still got it. Mirror, mirror on the wall and all that.

She hasn't got it anymore let's be honest. It's all pretty desperate stuff, as are the cover stories in OK! about depression and "my suicide attempt". Cut it out love before they start using your picture on cans of Pedigree Chum.

What A Dick

I'd make a great private detective with my love of all things observational. Right now I'm sitting in my car on an imaginary stakeout.

Will someone get me a fuggin' cawfee and a Danish!

WTF

Why are HMV plugging the soundtrack to War Of The Worlds as the perfect Fathers Day present. I'd fucking well freak if my kids got me that.

Tranny Magnet

Watched a bit of that Channel 4 doc about the tranny pageant. Surprisingly not a single one of the trannies was remotely attractive in a double take way. They all just looked liked a bunch of blokes in dresses with their cocks tucked up their arseholes like Toby jugs.

To be honest I don't know what I was expecting to get out of watching this show but I'm pretty sure the best freaky moments were within the first 20 minutes when you meet the "girls". It's difficult to take a man seriously when he's talking about his amazing vagina without realising he has a face like Joan Rivers in a wind tunnel.

Sorry Megan, I'm taken

Shit, I really want the contents of your Boxfresh undercrackers Keith.

I'm gonna queef!

Stinka the Minka

This is Minka Kelly. Draw your own conclusions.

Armchair

There's nothing wrong with falling asleep in your favourite armchair. Unless your favourite armchair is in someone else's house.

Apologies, I've been drinking.

Big Brother update

Haven't watched much since the start but I'm quite confident about the following:

Sree is as creepy a sexual predator as there has ever been in the house. Poor Irish girl Nurofen is the unfortunate object of his affections. Uncomfortable viewing.

Rodrigo has now become Stephen Gateley.

Carly is always dressed up with nowhere to go. What a fucking voice though. Ball gag required.

I wonder if Lisa has managed to turn any of the women yet. I'll wager not, the fucking troll.

Angel was shaving her face the other day. Why not Google the word "Kratochvilova" and get back to me. Cock and balls.

That'll do for now.

Duckworth Lewis

The Duckworth Lewis Method can be applied through all aspects of life, after it's been raining of course. For those that don't know it it basically means the target is reduced after rain stops play.

So you get a blow job for 8 minutes but outside it's raining. When your partner is looking for you to reciprocate you can employ the Duckworth Lewis Method and only give 3 minutes back. Result, unless your a rampant pie muncher.

Let's think of some other examples. In your own time of course.

Minge

Alan Carr has a new series on Channel 4 called Chatty Man. You have to reckon they must be saving a show called Irritating Cunt for someone else then.

This toothy prick end has basically stolen the mannerisms of Frankie Howerd added a bit of Harry Hill shoulder action and drained away anything passing as humour. But he's gay so we love him.

Minge.


-- Post From My iPhone

Round up

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Quick Gordon Brown thought

Do you think that when Gordon Brown farts his facial expression changes in any way at all?

I honestly think he could manage a low level follow through without even twitching or grimacing.

Should a man that can do this really be fit to run the country?

If you're a new reader you'll quickly find that I always cover the big issues.

Apprentice Final

Can exclusively reveal that the final only lasts 10 minutes and that Kate wins.

All because for the first time Sir Alan catches sight of those fucking awful shoes that Yasmina keeps wearing.

"Woah, they're fucking hideous, you're fired! Get out bitch, get out" barked Sir Alan when he saw them.

Probably.

Big Brother 10

Interesting bunch you might say. Multicultural. Let's do this from left to right:

1. Charlie - a gay Darren Gough
2. Carly - some unemployed Scottish bint who looks too much like Fearne Cotton for her own good.
3. Rodrigo - a well waxed Brazilian. Looks a bit like Bruno. Nice boy though. The type you could take back to your mother. If your mother had a strap on that is.
   
4. Beinazir - lanky, piercings, more jangle than Jimmy Saville.
5. Sophia - was like a startled little animal. The eyes, the nervous hands. Will get a fright every time Beinazir walks behind her.
6. Sree - get the virgin in. Will fall asleep with a hard on every night. No shortage of fluffers standing by either.
7. Angel - Russian boxer. Should just fuck off now and be done with it. Would sleep with the light on if she was around.
8. Kris - made from Russell Brand's smeg.
9. Sophie - massive fake tits, massive fake hair. Will look horrific without make up you mark my words. But you still would.
10. Siavash - Justin Lee Collins meets Rasputin. 23 my fucking arse. Cunt.
11. Noirin - sounds like a headache tablet. Gimme a pack o' ribbed blobs please luv, aw and better chuck ee's a packet o' Noirin as well, ma heeds bangin'. However, once again, you would.
12. Freddie - token posh Tory wank. Will probably be caught having a posh Tory wank in the shower by week five.
13. Lisa - fucking rough looking lesbian. If you watched porn for all your references you would have assumed that Sophie, Carly and Noirin were the lesbians and that they'd have been fucking by now. Anyway this tattooed rug muncher insists she can turn women. Presumably she meant to suicide, drink or drugs.
14. Cairon - sounds like a handwash but in fact is a very poor man's Pharrell in a very cheap t-shirt. Ticked the box of showing plenty pantage.
15. Saffia - get a bra, jiggly tits.
16. Marcus - you can guarantee he smells. Bad. Looked more Onslow than Wolverine in the wifebeater.

So there you have it. Quite a nice bunch really. Can't say I'll be paying it too much attention over the coming weeks. Unless the "real" lesbians get down to it of course.

Minge

Fuck Twitter let's blog bitches.

Not blogging now, I'm a tweeter

Got it.

Butch

Every morning Ray Wilkins must wake up and think fuck me, how the hell did I land this gig. Keep practising the fist pumps you lovely bloke.

The Apprentice Week 3 Review

Another hilarious episode. Can't believe I've never watched this before. As it's the holidays, eldest (7) was still up to watch this for the first time and I can tell she was impressed that I shouted "cock" at the TV as soon as Ben appeared.

Here are my notes from tonight:

Nyaaah! A bad start as it's Lorraine who gets out of bed to answer the phone. If you thought she looked rough in the boardroom you ain't seen nothing yet. Looks like something from The Exorcist. In fact, I'm sure when she answered the phone she said "your mother sucks cocks in hell." Get the vicars in for next week.

Daddy, what's a cunt? Well darling it's real name is Ben Clarke. Honestly, I'd throw something at my telly if it wasn't a full HD Patrick Viera. Obviously, he's never had a shag as he's obsessed with building a sexercise machine. This on the back of his making money is better than sex remark. Regardless of personality he has a pus that needs a good smack. Add in the personality and we have a total cunt. Pinstripe shirt with white collar, pinstripe suit and look at the fucking socks. Aaaarrghhhh.

Kate aka the one from All Saints. Apparently she's been shagging estate agent Philip. In the first week her mouth only opened on one side, too much Philip cock. This went away to be replaced this week by an eye that didn't appear to open properly, obviously the victim of a Philip spurt.

Little Nooral. Poor little Nooral. I've noticed that Sir Alan has tiny shoulders. Well they do say tiny shoulder tiny cock don't they. I reckon Nooral will have to play this card in a couple of weeks to save himself. But Sir Alan, I have a tiny cock. You know what it's like to have a tiny cock. Don't fire me tiny cock Sir Alan. Might work.

James. If last week hurt like it did when his cat died then this week must have felt like his cat was brought back to life as a zombie cat but when it was purring on his lap launched a frenzied attack on his genitalia. Still at least when he got back to the flat everyone seemed pleased to see him. I wonder why that didn't happen with Ben?

Some prize that. Being shouted at by a coked up Katherine Jenkins. Philip's mind was drifting off as to how he could facially pester Kate for next week's show (my bet is on her being deaf in her left ear until some jism trickles out during the pitch). Debra and Yasmina indulged in a bit of hand holding which gave me the right shivers though Nooral probably stored it in the wank bank for later.

I mentioned Debra there. She's quite annoying isn't she. Not too popular but doesn't seem to give a fuck about that. Good to see that Sir Alan gave her no credit for her team's success. Time for my is it just me moment. Is it just me or does wee features Debra look strangely like Sky Sports pundit and ex Celtic and Bayern Munich striker Alan "Rambo" McInally? Look at their wee mouths. Even Sir Alan's little willy couldn't get in there.

Trinny and Susannah

It may be a trick of the light but does Susannah have a cock?

Bumcloth

Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Surely the two most irritating women on television. Both have the same condescending interview technique masquerading as a sympathetic ear.

Fortunately Lizard Face Thornton was booted off X Factor and is now reduced to Sky's Hello Goodbye. I've blogged about this before the series started but it deserves another mention. Kate stands at the departure lounge of Heathrow hovering around a family whose 28 year old daughter is about to fuck off to the other side of the world on her own "to ask herself questions". It's obvious she's been dumped by her long term partner but Thornton doesn't go down that route. Instead she tilts her head to the side, her drawn on eyebrows sliding down her face and her gurning smile in full effect and says to the parents - "you're going to miss her aren't you". And the mum cries. Proper tears, not the ones women do when they fan their hands in front of their face like they've got a sweat on. What amazing fucking television. I could ditch Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Sky Multiroom, Sky HD and just pay £65 a month for that. I felt privileged to have invaded their privacy.

Later on Sky News, intrepid reporter Kay Burley travels up to Edinburgh to meet a girl who's a first time buyer and has saved up enough with her partner for a flat. Kay nods patronisingly at the girl whilst she explains her predicament and then they go for a perplexing walk along Portobello beach. For all Kay contributed they might as well have sent a cunt on a stick to do the interview.

This brought back memories of a couple of Kay's recent "celebrity" interviews. After interviewing celebrity stalker Barry George she claimed to have been celebrity stalked by him thereby bracketing herself with one time nation's sweetheart Jill Dando. I think her claims fizzled away.
A couple of weeks back Kay interviewed the man who was Paul Gascoigne. Gazza playfully told his nephews he wasn't drunk, almost insisting that they concur on camera. To be fair, if he wasn't drunk he was certainly fucked up on medication. Kay asked if he'd like to manage England (or was it Newcastle) in the future to which Paul replied a definite yes as long as he got his coaching badges. If Kay was in charge of the FA she'd have sacked Capello on the spot. Any interviewer worth their salt would have pissed themselves laughing at have to stop the cameras.

So there you have it. Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Two women cut from the same cloth. The kind of cloth I'd wipe my arse on.

Boo hoo

"It hurts like when my cat died". That'll get you hired you tiresome wank.

Don't you just hate that

when you're having a bath and someone comes in to have a shit and read the paper. It's just plain rude. My sympathies go out to Kelly Clarkson.

Ryan Giggs goosed by Mel B

Little i

I reckon that if you're selling a product and you put a little i in front of the name people will think it's better than it actually is. For example a toaster called iToast or a blender called iBlend.

What about - This isn't my cock, it's actually my iCock. It downloads faster than a regular cock.

Works doesn't it.

Yasmina

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rocky

Did his parents name him after a biscuit? I like Rocky because we share the same pattern baldness. He shrugged his shoulders a bit when asked a question by Sir Alan. Perhaps this was to deflect from the untimely erection he had under the desk. Look! I'm not touching it Sir Alan! It's gone hard on it's own. Big things are expected from him, not just from his cock.

Philip

Philip the Estate Agent. I repeat, estate agent. What a moaning faced cunt. Comes with subtitles. His face looks like an amalgamation of the faces of a hundred different over rated English Premiership centre halves. Bad fucking suit as well mate.

Paula

This is Paula. Apparently she has a voice. We just haven't heard it yet. Probably appears as Lady Godiva at the village fete every year. Looks like she owns a cat, watches Sex And The City, eats a fucking massive bar of chocolate when she gets depressed, reads Heat and Grazia. Everybody knows one of them.

Noorul

Look at his smug little pus. You're only a fucking teacher you wank. I wonder if his class study Noorulogy. They'd quickly learn how to be a smarmy cunt that's for sure.

Mona

To be fair and to be honest at the end of the day she should fuck right off. Couldn't project manage me going for a shit in the morning. Has a horrible distant stary thing going on like she's imagining what it would be like being fucked over the boardroom table by Margaret in a gimpsuit whilst Sir Alan and Nick do a naked Morris dance.

Majid

Landed some perfectly executed woman's place is in the home style jibes. Looks like Jon Turturro's hair has been taped to his chin. Have a suspicion he shops for casual clothes at Asda.

Lorraine

First sign of the Apocalypse. Plays the single mum card. Looks like Chris Evans fallen on hard times. Unlikely to ever look like she's just washed her hair.

Kimberly

It says here she's American. You wouldn't know it though. Never said a word. Standard hair and business suit. Has a nose like Squidward.

Kate

The self proclaimed good looking one. Looks like something out of All Saints smeared with Heather Mills but seems only to be able to talk out of one side of her mouth, especially when on a mobile. Like she's chowing on Gary Coleman's willie.

James

Who am I? I am a dong. A dong who offered so little that you'll have to come back to me in future weeks.

Howard

Ooh look at me, I run shops. Look at me looking down my nose at you. Do you see how my nostrils flare when people don't follow instructions. I look like that Jonathan Rhys-Meyer only slightly less of a pouting cunt.

Debra

Came across as two-faced. Maybe we could see the other one then on the off chance it's better looking. Has the smallest mouth in the world. Like a satsuma segment sitting on a 12" pizza base.

Ben

Prize cunt. Wore pinstripes and braces because he's a trainee stockbroker. Thinks making money is better than sex. In that case needs fucked up the arse with a dildo made from pound coins.

Anita

Fired already. And no wonder with a face that looks like it was made from a Mr Potato Head set but most of the pieces were missing and the mouth would only go on upside down. Offered nothing but bean counting and that's hardly a basis for a career.

The Apprentice

Never watched it before. Really enjoyed it. I like to talk to the telly. There are two ways to do it. Angry Shouty way as with Dancing On Ice or Laughy Shouty way with The Apprentice. Time to bomb up my critique of the contestants.

The Observer

This is quite old, January time I think, but it's so good I have to post it. I'm quite a fan of Fringe on Sky1 (or Fox in the US). I'm no sci-fi buff but I did like the X-Files and this is in a similar vein. Anyway, for those that have never seen it there's a mysterious character in it known only as The Observer. In a brilliant piece of cross promotion at Fox he appears on the sideline during the Gaints-Eagles. He's never referred to in the clip by the commentators. It's very impressive.
Watch the clip.

Wardrobe Malfunction

My wardrobe is stacked full and it's workings are now based on the principles of Jenga. Pull out any item of clothing and wait and see if everything else falls in a heap on the floor.

It's quite a thrill being me.

Cash machine

I have a bit of a thing (that may be an understatement) when it comes to touching door handles, lavvy handles, bus bells and so on.

I had a difficult time at the cash machine today. Although the buttons looked reasonably fresh the screen looked like the Wanky Shit Demon had tried to make a withdrawal at it. I had to use my pinkie for the whole transaction.

The banks should employ somebody to stand next to every cash machine with a squeegy and a chamois leather. I'll phone Customer Services and see what they plan to do about it.

Finnegans

Sometimes, when my lunch options are reduced I'll buy the ham, smoked cheese and mayo harvester baguette from "local deli" Finnegan's. It's a nice roll if you're in the right mood for it.

The only problem is that the shop has a smell all of it's own. You can actually smell it from three or four shops away. It's difficult to describe. Perhaps someone is pissing on a burning dog in the kitchen? Perhaps there's a corpse under the tiled floor that has become undead and is trying to scrape it's way out. Anyway, it's unpleasant. To buy a roll there you have to make sure there's no queue, get in and get out. Unfortunately today I picked up the roll, there was no queue, but for some reason I lingered and breathed in. Then I put the roll back and left.

Some people might argue that makes me strange. In my defence I'd send them to Finnegan's with open nostrils.

Margiotta

Now that we have vending machines at work there is less of a need for me to use the local convenience store known as Margiotta. This is a chain of shops that pops up in well to do areas. They also play classical music through the Tannoy.

So they think they can charge 45p for a single fucking Babybel!

Money grabbing cuntbags.

Waiter

Why do restuarants always have massive pepper grinders. As with everything I think this is somehow cock related and that the waiter is trying to tell you he is the proud owner of a massive schlong. A little shaker would do me.

Horne + Cordon = Shit

It saddens me this it really does and I'm sorry to be banging on about it but as expected Horne & Cordon's sketch show on BBC3 was an absolute affront to comedy. If anyone off the street had submitted any of the sketches from that show to the Comedy Department they would not get past the first read. It was a fucking embarrassment to all concerned. Go watch on iPlayer then vomit out your eyes. Apparently 817,000 viewers tuned in to episode one. That should drop off to 817 next week.

We know James Corden is fat but doesn't mind taking his top off so let's have 3 or 4 fat related sketches. How about a gay war reporter? How stereotypical can we make it. Let's watch some old Dick Emery shows shall we. What about a sketch about kids drawing cocks. OK but let's make sure it has no punchline though.

To think of the wit and invention shown in other comedy from the US and even in some shows here and yet this utter shit is served up. There are plenty people out there writing comedy who will never catch a break because of the short-sightedness of throwing money at someone who's had a hit doing something else. We shouldn't expect anything less from the channel that has spunked up Two Pints Of Lager And A Wank In Yer Mooth. What makes it worse is the amount of advertising that has supported this show.

In summary - fucking cunts.

That feels a little better.

Seriously

You'd think that Eamonn Holmes would be the biggest cunt in any photograph but not this one. Not when he's with Mr Motivator. Patronising cunt.

You ain't turnin' me ginger fool

Remember the days when Brian May and Anita Dobson used to look alike.


Seems like Anita has decided to move on.

Not convinced that Brian is going to follow suit for some reason.

Hey Guys

Did any of you order a Nazi strip-o-gram?

Cactus Jack Dawson

Fact

No lies

True

Taste The Exotic

It never fails to amuse me, never fails, to find flowery descriptions of the way food is prepared to somehow make you feel that it is worth paying a little bit extra for. Phrases like handcut is a particular favourite for crisps or chips.

My favourite though is from the Pizza Express menu. You can't add chicken to your pizza at Pizza Express. No, at Pizza Express you get torn chicken. Ooh, sounds exotic, I'd like to pay an extra 50p for that.

Actually, what Pizza Express are telling you is that instead of using a knife the chef is just going to tear a bit of chicken up with his bare hands. Well, I hope he's washed the piss off them first.

Bit More Honest

More Honest

Honest

Pass me that thesaurus will you Megan

For the first time ever I'm going to use a library picture on this blog.

Daily entry

So far this year I've managed to average out a blog post a day. Recently though I've been Twittering like a mad thing so any little short bursts (e.g. that Ray Quinn gets right on my tits) that would previously have been blogged are now on Twitter. Updates are down the side of this blog but really you should get in to Twitter. The downside to this Twitter activity is that I've got a bit less to blog about just now until I start doing some more cartoons. To make up for it I'm posting another gratuitous Megan Fox picture.

What have we done to deserve this

There's only one thing worse than Myleene Klass. And that's five Myleene Klass's.

Run for the hills!

It's like an Aphex Twin video. I particularly loathe the one with the neckscarf.

Now that's how I like my Starbucks

Venti Vanilla Latte with 3 sugars in a to go cup hand delivered by Megan Fox in a revealing top. A very well spent £2.90.

Corden Bleurgh and the state of UK comedy

It seems that the BBC have found the saviours of comedy and are throwing the whole department's budget at Gavin & Stacey funsters Horne & Corden. If ever there was a flavour of the month then this pair are it. Hosting the Brits, doing a movie about Vampire Lesbians (how original we are children. Can Britain do a comedy film?) and now there are bus sides everywhere for their new "hilarious" BBC3 sketch show.

Now don't get me wrong I enjoyed Gavin & Stacey but the level of exposure they're getting is unreal. It shows how utterly bereft we are of original comedy in this country nowadays. Look at the line up for this years Comic Relief - why it's Gavin and Stacey! And Lenny Henry!

Man, we really need a British equivalent of HBO or Comedy Central that would invest in good comedy. Sky should be doing that instead of throwing money at horseshit like Hello Goodbye, Noel's HQ and Don't Forget The Fucking Lyrics Or I'll Twat You. The only original programme from Sky that's deserved a view recently has been Ross Kemp in Afghanistan. He was absolutely shitting himself when the bullets started flying and no wonder.

Anyway, I like the Old Guys on BBC1. Would help if Trigger could deliver his lines better because he is fed some classics. I watched FM on ITV2. It's about DJ's and is full of effing and jeffing. Now I like coarse but there's funny coarse and coarse for the sake of it and this was the latter. You can talk the filthiest shit with your mates and be in tears laughing but when you see that on TV it just doesn't seem funny unless the characters are spot on and these guys aren't.

BBC Scotland has been running some one off original comedy shows since the Chewin' the Fat guys fell out. Last week we had the Limmy Show, some clever bits, some weird, few laughs. This week we had Burnistoun which was a set of sketches set in a fictional town. Pretty much every sketch on it you've already seen played out better before. This programme was made by The Comedy Unit. Their website says that they have such a backlog of unread scripts that they are binning full scripts from the last 12 months. And yet shite like Burnistoun actually gets made.

Anyway, for some true comedy genius watch 30 Rock tonight. Last week it featured Jerry Seinfeld presenting a show called MILF Island. Now that's comedy.

IMAX 3D Porn

Can you imagine that. IMAX screens, 3D (which is now being touted as the future of cinema) and porno films. Quite an overwhelming prospect. In fact with enormous phalluses in your face and gaping orifices trying to swallow you up I get the feeling it would be like being stuck in the middle of an Alien v Predator battle.



I think that's Jenna Jameson's snatch on the right.

20/20 Opticians

My optician is the Queen Street branch of 20/20 Opticians. Each time I visit there are around 10 employees working on the shop floor yet you rarely see the same staff twice. Add to this that they always have to collect my contact lenses from the basement and it makes me pretty certain there's something quite sinister going on in that place.

2 + 2 = 5 if you know what I'm saying. Which you don't.

Brits 2009 Round Up

• Bono with eye shadow. Cock.
• Gavin & Stacey men. Have you ever heard of over exposure.
• Girls Aloud. Brilliant.
• Duffy. You could hide a Wrigley's Juicy Fruit in the deep lines of her unique face. She's 24!!
• Pet Shop Boys. Pet Shop Hamster Cage Shite.
• Too much monotonous crowd noise makes for boring viewing.
• Too much monotonous Fearne Cotton makes for ICD.

Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA is the most scripted reality show I have ever seen. The oohs and aahs are all out of sequence (which to be fair is in the small print in the end titles as is the fact that the programme contributes towards customer bills), the effing and jeffing is forced, every week follows an identical pattern of events. Every restaurant owner is a grumpy bastard who stepped off the set of The Sopranos who eventually sees the error of his ways after old torn face has called him a lazy fucker for 30 minutes.There's no doubt that Ramsay's schtick is wearing thin but at least on the UK show it doesn't seem so contrived and filmed in the same street every week.

For the record

The children that appear on MTV's My Super Sweet 16 UK are the most vile, obnoxious cunts known to man. I saw 10 minutes of this show earlier in the week and was so traumatised I had to step on to a garden rake to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

If this is the future we're in trouble.

Twitteratti

I've become obsessed with Twitter and twittering (or is it tweeting). When I say obsessed I mean obsessed. I love it. My favourite part of Facebook has always been the status updates and basically Twitter is just you updating your status as often as you want but to a maximum of 140 characters. I think that brings some discipline to whatever you write and cuts down on the waffle. I call it honing my craft. You can follow anyone and anyone can follow you although I think it is part of the terms & conditions that you follow Stephen Fry.

It has to be said that some entries are as dry as the crack of a nun crossing the Sahara, in fact it's 95% toss but you do get to follow celebrities and Fearne Cotton and you can come across a few porn stars. And who wouldn't want to do that.

Come join me. I mean follow me. I'm Steakbake. All eyes and ears. And arse.

Help me

My ears are slipping off!



Picture from tmz.com

Good Golly Goth

I spent my teenage years being moody and miserable and listening to The Sisters Of Mercy. Lead singer Andrew Eldritch was the epitome of mysterious cool.


Sad to see him fucking about in Milan with that div David Beckham nowadays though.