Groundhog Day

I've kind of experimented with blog titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the subjsect matter. Myah, doesn't really work for me.

If I had a Groundhog Day I would want it to feature at some point me kicking James Blunt square between the legs with no repercussions.

Shit, we'll need to stop at a bank

Went along to a Halloween party at the weekend dressed as a kind of rough looking tranny witch and felt disturbingly comfortable in make up, dress and tights. That is until the front door got opened for the smokers and I felt a draught go right up me. I'd have had frost on my man growler had I not done a quick leg cross.

It's Gimplord not Gimplady.

Egyptian cotton you say. Marvellous!

Every year at Halloween we are "treated" to another instalment in the Saw movie series. We're onto number 4 now. Films like this and Hostel, Captivity, Hills Have Eyes and so on are what is commonly known as the torture porn genre. Personally I can't watch this stuff and I can't quite understand those who do. I'm not sure how watching people be strung up, having their ribcages ripped open, eyes gouged, achilles slit and so on can be entertaining. It worries me.

Having said that I did watch the first series of Dexter on FX and it was pretty damn good. Dexter is a serial killer who also happens to work in forensics for the Miami PD. Now, as I say Dexter is a serial killer and he's pretty clinical in doing it but, hey, he only offs the people that deserve it so it's vigilante justice and that makes us feel better. Somehow despite the things he does we do root for him, he is a likeable guy in many other respects, but I suppose it's because there are other killers in the show that are more reprehensible than him that we end up taking Dexter's side. I'm not totally comfortable with liking Dexter but the writers have done a fine job of keeping him on the audience's good side.

Series 2 has just kicked off in the US. If Series 1 crops up on UK schedules again be sure to check it out.

I could make a hat or a brooch

One of my all time favourite comedy characters is Johnny Jacobs in Airplane and Airplane II. Johnny was flamboyantly played by Stephen Stucker who I looked up at IMDB and was stunned to learn that he died 21 years ago. Blood E Hell.

Enjoy this montage of Johnny's bits.

I shaved it but then it grew back twice as thick

My local Tesco now sells the Polish News. I bought one but I wasn't sure if that meant the Lech Walesa type or the Mr Sheen type of Polish.

Still, now that I've got a Polish cleaner it was always going to be a win win situation for me.

You call those bubbles?

The definition of interesting - an accountant who does Sudoku puzzles in their spare time.

Mambo Number Eight

Just leave the basin next to the bed

Went to the local Chinese takeaway the other week. Got a couple of dishes in, one with beansprouts and one without. Helpfully they taped a bit of card to the plastic tub to mark which one had the beansprouts.

When I took the lid off I could see what was on the other side of the piece of card they had used. You're probably expecting this to be a pair of tits or a huge schlong. I wish it was.




What the fuck is that!!

Now I really hope it's something fake but if this is how guys working in Chinese Takeaway kitchens like to get off then I'm sorry but from now on it's Tesco Finest for me.

And you can shove your calendar up yer arse this year pal.

You can chew your own but don't chew somebody else's

I was trying to locate a photo of Johnson's Classic lipcare. It is the chapstick for the modern man. I say chapstick in the same way as you would say tannoy or hoover. Chapstick is not all it used to be. The stick doesn't have the girth of the competition.Step aside too Nivea lip balms and Boots own brand melt in your pocket tosh. Johnson's Classic leaves your lips soft, supple and begging for more.

I always need my chapstick. In fact, a man's not a man at all if he doesn't carry one. If I ever accidentally leave mine at home you can guarantee that my lips will start to tingle like they've been wrapped around a trombone whilst standing in a wind tunnel. There's no shame in popping out your stick and smearing it on. Be bold men.

Anyway, about the picture. It took me to ebay where I saw someone selling tubs of Vaseline for £1.50 plus postage. I don't think I'd ever sink to the depths of buying Vaseline through ebay. There's bound to be a pube in the tub when you open it. And some kilt fibres.

Will turkey foil do sir?

Nigella Express.

Nigella Lawson shows us how we can make great tasting food in minutes to suit our hectic lifestyles in this crazy 21st Century world.

Ideal for Nigella as well as it must take her an age to shave her twat.

Help yourself to cutlery

During a wee break between baths I managed to catch a bit of the Wayans Bros. box office flop Little Man. Their films are usually brutal but for some reason this was making me laugh. I was particularly warmed by the rectal thermometer scene.

Well, who wouldn't be.

In other movie news I caught an even wee-er bit of King Kong. I had to turn it over before I wept.


More doubles for yer roubles on this blog!

Start as you mean to go on