Thursday 9 April 2009
Butch
Every morning Ray Wilkins must wake up and think fuck me, how the hell did I land this gig. Keep practising the fist pumps you lovely bloke.
The Apprentice Week 3 Review
Another hilarious episode. Can't believe I've never watched this before. As it's the holidays, eldest (7) was still up to watch this for the first time and I can tell she was impressed that I shouted "cock" at the TV as soon as Ben appeared.
Here are my notes from tonight:
Nyaaah! A bad start as it's Lorraine who gets out of bed to answer the phone. If you thought she looked rough in the boardroom you ain't seen nothing yet. Looks like something from The Exorcist. In fact, I'm sure when she answered the phone she said "your mother sucks cocks in hell." Get the vicars in for next week.
Daddy, what's a cunt? Well darling it's real name is Ben Clarke. Honestly, I'd throw something at my telly if it wasn't a full HD Patrick Viera. Obviously, he's never had a shag as he's obsessed with building a sexercise machine. This on the back of his making money is better than sex remark. Regardless of personality he has a pus that needs a good smack. Add in the personality and we have a total cunt. Pinstripe shirt with white collar, pinstripe suit and look at the fucking socks. Aaaarrghhhh.
Kate aka the one from All Saints. Apparently she's been shagging estate agent Philip. In the first week her mouth only opened on one side, too much Philip cock. This went away to be replaced this week by an eye that didn't appear to open properly, obviously the victim of a Philip spurt.
Little Nooral. Poor little Nooral. I've noticed that Sir Alan has tiny shoulders. Well they do say tiny shoulder tiny cock don't they. I reckon Nooral will have to play this card in a couple of weeks to save himself. But Sir Alan, I have a tiny cock. You know what it's like to have a tiny cock. Don't fire me tiny cock Sir Alan. Might work.
James. If last week hurt like it did when his cat died then this week must have felt like his cat was brought back to life as a zombie cat but when it was purring on his lap launched a frenzied attack on his genitalia. Still at least when he got back to the flat everyone seemed pleased to see him. I wonder why that didn't happen with Ben?
Some prize that. Being shouted at by a coked up Katherine Jenkins. Philip's mind was drifting off as to how he could facially pester Kate for next week's show (my bet is on her being deaf in her left ear until some jism trickles out during the pitch). Debra and Yasmina indulged in a bit of hand holding which gave me the right shivers though Nooral probably stored it in the wank bank for later.
I mentioned Debra there. She's quite annoying isn't she. Not too popular but doesn't seem to give a fuck about that. Good to see that Sir Alan gave her no credit for her team's success. Time for my is it just me moment. Is it just me or does wee features Debra look strangely like Sky Sports pundit and ex Celtic and Bayern Munich striker Alan "Rambo" McInally? Look at their wee mouths. Even Sir Alan's little willy couldn't get in there.
Here are my notes from tonight:
Nyaaah! A bad start as it's Lorraine who gets out of bed to answer the phone. If you thought she looked rough in the boardroom you ain't seen nothing yet. Looks like something from The Exorcist. In fact, I'm sure when she answered the phone she said "your mother sucks cocks in hell." Get the vicars in for next week.
Daddy, what's a cunt? Well darling it's real name is Ben Clarke. Honestly, I'd throw something at my telly if it wasn't a full HD Patrick Viera. Obviously, he's never had a shag as he's obsessed with building a sexercise machine. This on the back of his making money is better than sex remark. Regardless of personality he has a pus that needs a good smack. Add in the personality and we have a total cunt. Pinstripe shirt with white collar, pinstripe suit and look at the fucking socks. Aaaarrghhhh.
Kate aka the one from All Saints. Apparently she's been shagging estate agent Philip. In the first week her mouth only opened on one side, too much Philip cock. This went away to be replaced this week by an eye that didn't appear to open properly, obviously the victim of a Philip spurt.
Little Nooral. Poor little Nooral. I've noticed that Sir Alan has tiny shoulders. Well they do say tiny shoulder tiny cock don't they. I reckon Nooral will have to play this card in a couple of weeks to save himself. But Sir Alan, I have a tiny cock. You know what it's like to have a tiny cock. Don't fire me tiny cock Sir Alan. Might work.
James. If last week hurt like it did when his cat died then this week must have felt like his cat was brought back to life as a zombie cat but when it was purring on his lap launched a frenzied attack on his genitalia. Still at least when he got back to the flat everyone seemed pleased to see him. I wonder why that didn't happen with Ben?
Some prize that. Being shouted at by a coked up Katherine Jenkins. Philip's mind was drifting off as to how he could facially pester Kate for next week's show (my bet is on her being deaf in her left ear until some jism trickles out during the pitch). Debra and Yasmina indulged in a bit of hand holding which gave me the right shivers though Nooral probably stored it in the wank bank for later.
I mentioned Debra there. She's quite annoying isn't she. Not too popular but doesn't seem to give a fuck about that. Good to see that Sir Alan gave her no credit for her team's success. Time for my is it just me moment. Is it just me or does wee features Debra look strangely like Sky Sports pundit and ex Celtic and Bayern Munich striker Alan "Rambo" McInally? Look at their wee mouths. Even Sir Alan's little willy couldn't get in there.
Tuesday 7 April 2009
Bumcloth
Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Surely the two most irritating women on television. Both have the same condescending interview technique masquerading as a sympathetic ear.
Fortunately Lizard Face Thornton was booted off X Factor and is now reduced to Sky's Hello Goodbye. I've blogged about this before the series started but it deserves another mention. Kate stands at the departure lounge of Heathrow hovering around a family whose 28 year old daughter is about to fuck off to the other side of the world on her own "to ask herself questions". It's obvious she's been dumped by her long term partner but Thornton doesn't go down that route. Instead she tilts her head to the side, her drawn on eyebrows sliding down her face and her gurning smile in full effect and says to the parents - "you're going to miss her aren't you". And the mum cries. Proper tears, not the ones women do when they fan their hands in front of their face like they've got a sweat on. What amazing fucking television. I could ditch Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Sky Multiroom, Sky HD and just pay £65 a month for that. I felt privileged to have invaded their privacy.
Later on Sky News, intrepid reporter Kay Burley travels up to Edinburgh to meet a girl who's a first time buyer and has saved up enough with her partner for a flat. Kay nods patronisingly at the girl whilst she explains her predicament and then they go for a perplexing walk along Portobello beach. For all Kay contributed they might as well have sent a cunt on a stick to do the interview.
This brought back memories of a couple of Kay's recent "celebrity" interviews. After interviewing celebrity stalker Barry George she claimed to have been celebrity stalked by him thereby bracketing herself with one time nation's sweetheart Jill Dando. I think her claims fizzled away.
A couple of weeks back Kay interviewed the man who was Paul Gascoigne. Gazza playfully told his nephews he wasn't drunk, almost insisting that they concur on camera. To be fair, if he wasn't drunk he was certainly fucked up on medication. Kay asked if he'd like to manage England (or was it Newcastle) in the future to which Paul replied a definite yes as long as he got his coaching badges. If Kay was in charge of the FA she'd have sacked Capello on the spot. Any interviewer worth their salt would have pissed themselves laughing at have to stop the cameras.
So there you have it. Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Two women cut from the same cloth. The kind of cloth I'd wipe my arse on.
Fortunately Lizard Face Thornton was booted off X Factor and is now reduced to Sky's Hello Goodbye. I've blogged about this before the series started but it deserves another mention. Kate stands at the departure lounge of Heathrow hovering around a family whose 28 year old daughter is about to fuck off to the other side of the world on her own "to ask herself questions". It's obvious she's been dumped by her long term partner but Thornton doesn't go down that route. Instead she tilts her head to the side, her drawn on eyebrows sliding down her face and her gurning smile in full effect and says to the parents - "you're going to miss her aren't you". And the mum cries. Proper tears, not the ones women do when they fan their hands in front of their face like they've got a sweat on. What amazing fucking television. I could ditch Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Sky Multiroom, Sky HD and just pay £65 a month for that. I felt privileged to have invaded their privacy.
Later on Sky News, intrepid reporter Kay Burley travels up to Edinburgh to meet a girl who's a first time buyer and has saved up enough with her partner for a flat. Kay nods patronisingly at the girl whilst she explains her predicament and then they go for a perplexing walk along Portobello beach. For all Kay contributed they might as well have sent a cunt on a stick to do the interview.
This brought back memories of a couple of Kay's recent "celebrity" interviews. After interviewing celebrity stalker Barry George she claimed to have been celebrity stalked by him thereby bracketing herself with one time nation's sweetheart Jill Dando. I think her claims fizzled away.
A couple of weeks back Kay interviewed the man who was Paul Gascoigne. Gazza playfully told his nephews he wasn't drunk, almost insisting that they concur on camera. To be fair, if he wasn't drunk he was certainly fucked up on medication. Kay asked if he'd like to manage England (or was it Newcastle) in the future to which Paul replied a definite yes as long as he got his coaching badges. If Kay was in charge of the FA she'd have sacked Capello on the spot. Any interviewer worth their salt would have pissed themselves laughing at have to stop the cameras.
So there you have it. Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Two women cut from the same cloth. The kind of cloth I'd wipe my arse on.
Friday 3 April 2009
Don't you just hate that
when you're having a bath and someone comes in to have a shit and read the paper. It's just plain rude. My sympathies go out to Kelly Clarkson.
Little i
I reckon that if you're selling a product and you put a little i in front of the name people will think it's better than it actually is. For example a toaster called iToast or a blender called iBlend.
What about - This isn't my cock, it's actually my iCock. It downloads faster than a regular cock.
Works doesn't it.
What about - This isn't my cock, it's actually my iCock. It downloads faster than a regular cock.
Works doesn't it.
Wednesday 1 April 2009
Rocky
Did his parents name him after a biscuit? I like Rocky because we share the same pattern baldness. He shrugged his shoulders a bit when asked a question by Sir Alan. Perhaps this was to deflect from the untimely erection he had under the desk. Look! I'm not touching it Sir Alan! It's gone hard on it's own. Big things are expected from him, not just from his cock.
Philip
Philip the Estate Agent. I repeat, estate agent. What a moaning faced cunt. Comes with subtitles. His face looks like an amalgamation of the faces of a hundred different over rated English Premiership centre halves. Bad fucking suit as well mate.
Paula
This is Paula. Apparently she has a voice. We just haven't heard it yet. Probably appears as Lady Godiva at the village fete every year. Looks like she owns a cat, watches Sex And The City, eats a fucking massive bar of chocolate when she gets depressed, reads Heat and Grazia. Everybody knows one of them.
Noorul
Look at his smug little pus. You're only a fucking teacher you wank. I wonder if his class study Noorulogy. They'd quickly learn how to be a smarmy cunt that's for sure.
Mona
To be fair and to be honest at the end of the day she should fuck right off. Couldn't project manage me going for a shit in the morning. Has a horrible distant stary thing going on like she's imagining what it would be like being fucked over the boardroom table by Margaret in a gimpsuit whilst Sir Alan and Nick do a naked Morris dance.
Majid
Landed some perfectly executed woman's place is in the home style jibes. Looks like Jon Turturro's hair has been taped to his chin. Have a suspicion he shops for casual clothes at Asda.
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