A response from Sky News

Dear Kwallity

Many thanks for your correspondence of 30 June. As our esteemed leader Murdoch is controller of the weather we arranged for a small period of blazing sunshine to appear at the moment you decided to walk uphill in to town wearing a jacket. This provided us with much hilarity via satellite as you began to sweat like Lee Evans on stage.

If we could paraphrase DJ Talent for a moment - when we say Britain, we mean London! Britain is London, Britain is London!

Yours faithfully

Sky News

Ana Ivanovic Retires Hurt

And here's the pictorial evidence. She hurt her thigh and is trying to rub it better. At least I think that's what she's doing.

An Open Letter to Sky News

Dear Sky News

Can I point out that Britain is not basking in a heatwave, London and the South East is. I know that from your point of view London is Britain but the rest of us are finding this type of reference to be right fucking tedious.

For the record our weather in Edinburgh today is akin to that seen in Carpenter's The Fog, King's The Mist or Shakespeare's The Pea Soup.

Yours

Kwallity

Anyone for tennis?

Fans of this blog have been clamouring for some tennis commentary and who am I to disappoint.

Unlike Andy Murray who's made a right cunt of the opening set.

My point though is that the acoustics on Centre Court are awful. It's like playing tennis in a cupboard. Which I would do against Ana Ivanovic.

Pardon I

Oh sorry I appear to be using your face as a bowling ball. I must apologise, I'm not a dirty player and would never do it on purpose.

Tut and indeed, tut.

IFH Monday's

I.F.H. MONDAY'S from Nick Swardson

Gary Richardson is a talentless tit

In terms of sports interviewing techniques the BBC's Gary Richardson is the most inane cunt I have ever had the displeasure to listen to. Think of Garth Crookes at his worst then double it. I have witnessed some of his interviews before and the questions lack any kind of angle or insight. The kind of things that a 3 year old might ask.

Just saw him interview Andy Murray with the classic what have you been doing this morning?

Andy Murray replied with some of the following. Take your pick as to which.

"Got up"

"Had a shower"

"Had a wank in the shower thinking about the Williams sisters"

"Had a wank in the shower thinking about Rafael Nadal and a pumice stone"

"Had some cereal"

"Talked to you you smarmy little cunt"

Bees v Wasps

Remember the summers of your youth when bees were bees and wasps were wasps?

Back in the 70s bees were considered pretty dangerous. They were everywhere. Wasps you didn't see so much though they were still to be avoided which I've managed to do with bees and wasps.

Touch my wood.

Nowadays, all wasps are complete bastards. Really aggressive cunts with attitude and big balls. Bees are like they've been smoking dope for the last 30 years. Big bumbly bastards who meander about at a pedestrian speed, minding their own business in the main. Don't get me wrong, stand on the thing and it'll sting you but they just seem to have a different agenda to us and to wasps.

There was a bee came in the window on Sunday. I told it to fuck off and it did! Right back out the window. You wouldn't get that from a wasp.

Standards are slipping

Yesterday I was passing through town when I saw a place called the "Open Eye Gallery".

What the fuck? Are we actively promoting the display of naked sphincter muscles and glands in the high streets of Edinburgh.

Doesn't anybody think of the children anymore?

I contacted the local MP to demand that this abomination have the windows frosted and a strictly over 21's admittance policy.

He told me to fuck off as he was trying to do an expense claim for his recent Prince Albert.

Ruff

I think it's fair to say that Jordan is rapidly cashing in the goodwill she has built up with the British public over the last few years. As Peter Andre is photographed having fun with the children so it is that Jordan is pictured on holiday with musclebound men reassuring her, for a fee, that she's still got it. Mirror, mirror on the wall and all that.

She hasn't got it anymore let's be honest. It's all pretty desperate stuff, as are the cover stories in OK! about depression and "my suicide attempt". Cut it out love before they start using your picture on cans of Pedigree Chum.

What A Dick

I'd make a great private detective with my love of all things observational. Right now I'm sitting in my car on an imaginary stakeout.

Will someone get me a fuggin' cawfee and a Danish!

WTF

Why are HMV plugging the soundtrack to War Of The Worlds as the perfect Fathers Day present. I'd fucking well freak if my kids got me that.

Tranny Magnet

Watched a bit of that Channel 4 doc about the tranny pageant. Surprisingly not a single one of the trannies was remotely attractive in a double take way. They all just looked liked a bunch of blokes in dresses with their cocks tucked up their arseholes like Toby jugs.

To be honest I don't know what I was expecting to get out of watching this show but I'm pretty sure the best freaky moments were within the first 20 minutes when you meet the "girls". It's difficult to take a man seriously when he's talking about his amazing vagina without realising he has a face like Joan Rivers in a wind tunnel.

Sorry Megan, I'm taken

Shit, I really want the contents of your Boxfresh undercrackers Keith.

I'm gonna queef!

Stinka the Minka

This is Minka Kelly. Draw your own conclusions.

Armchair

There's nothing wrong with falling asleep in your favourite armchair. Unless your favourite armchair is in someone else's house.

Apologies, I've been drinking.

Big Brother update

Haven't watched much since the start but I'm quite confident about the following:

Sree is as creepy a sexual predator as there has ever been in the house. Poor Irish girl Nurofen is the unfortunate object of his affections. Uncomfortable viewing.

Rodrigo has now become Stephen Gateley.

Carly is always dressed up with nowhere to go. What a fucking voice though. Ball gag required.

I wonder if Lisa has managed to turn any of the women yet. I'll wager not, the fucking troll.

Angel was shaving her face the other day. Why not Google the word "Kratochvilova" and get back to me. Cock and balls.

That'll do for now.

Duckworth Lewis

The Duckworth Lewis Method can be applied through all aspects of life, after it's been raining of course. For those that don't know it it basically means the target is reduced after rain stops play.

So you get a blow job for 8 minutes but outside it's raining. When your partner is looking for you to reciprocate you can employ the Duckworth Lewis Method and only give 3 minutes back. Result, unless your a rampant pie muncher.

Let's think of some other examples. In your own time of course.

Minge

Alan Carr has a new series on Channel 4 called Chatty Man. You have to reckon they must be saving a show called Irritating Cunt for someone else then.

This toothy prick end has basically stolen the mannerisms of Frankie Howerd added a bit of Harry Hill shoulder action and drained away anything passing as humour. But he's gay so we love him.

Minge.


-- Post From My iPhone

Round up

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Quick Gordon Brown thought

Do you think that when Gordon Brown farts his facial expression changes in any way at all?

I honestly think he could manage a low level follow through without even twitching or grimacing.

Should a man that can do this really be fit to run the country?

If you're a new reader you'll quickly find that I always cover the big issues.

Apprentice Final

Can exclusively reveal that the final only lasts 10 minutes and that Kate wins.

All because for the first time Sir Alan catches sight of those fucking awful shoes that Yasmina keeps wearing.

"Woah, they're fucking hideous, you're fired! Get out bitch, get out" barked Sir Alan when he saw them.

Probably.

Big Brother 10

Interesting bunch you might say. Multicultural. Let's do this from left to right:

1. Charlie - a gay Darren Gough
2. Carly - some unemployed Scottish bint who looks too much like Fearne Cotton for her own good.
3. Rodrigo - a well waxed Brazilian. Looks a bit like Bruno. Nice boy though. The type you could take back to your mother. If your mother had a strap on that is.
   
4. Beinazir - lanky, piercings, more jangle than Jimmy Saville.
5. Sophia - was like a startled little animal. The eyes, the nervous hands. Will get a fright every time Beinazir walks behind her.
6. Sree - get the virgin in. Will fall asleep with a hard on every night. No shortage of fluffers standing by either.
7. Angel - Russian boxer. Should just fuck off now and be done with it. Would sleep with the light on if she was around.
8. Kris - made from Russell Brand's smeg.
9. Sophie - massive fake tits, massive fake hair. Will look horrific without make up you mark my words. But you still would.
10. Siavash - Justin Lee Collins meets Rasputin. 23 my fucking arse. Cunt.
11. Noirin - sounds like a headache tablet. Gimme a pack o' ribbed blobs please luv, aw and better chuck ee's a packet o' Noirin as well, ma heeds bangin'. However, once again, you would.
12. Freddie - token posh Tory wank. Will probably be caught having a posh Tory wank in the shower by week five.
13. Lisa - fucking rough looking lesbian. If you watched porn for all your references you would have assumed that Sophie, Carly and Noirin were the lesbians and that they'd have been fucking by now. Anyway this tattooed rug muncher insists she can turn women. Presumably she meant to suicide, drink or drugs.
14. Cairon - sounds like a handwash but in fact is a very poor man's Pharrell in a very cheap t-shirt. Ticked the box of showing plenty pantage.
15. Saffia - get a bra, jiggly tits.
16. Marcus - you can guarantee he smells. Bad. Looked more Onslow than Wolverine in the wifebeater.

So there you have it. Quite a nice bunch really. Can't say I'll be paying it too much attention over the coming weeks. Unless the "real" lesbians get down to it of course.

Minge

Fuck Twitter let's blog bitches.