Lorraine

First sign of the Apocalypse. Plays the single mum card. Looks like Chris Evans fallen on hard times. Unlikely to ever look like she's just washed her hair.

Kimberly

It says here she's American. You wouldn't know it though. Never said a word. Standard hair and business suit. Has a nose like Squidward.

Kate

The self proclaimed good looking one. Looks like something out of All Saints smeared with Heather Mills but seems only to be able to talk out of one side of her mouth, especially when on a mobile. Like she's chowing on Gary Coleman's willie.

James

Who am I? I am a dong. A dong who offered so little that you'll have to come back to me in future weeks.

Howard

Ooh look at me, I run shops. Look at me looking down my nose at you. Do you see how my nostrils flare when people don't follow instructions. I look like that Jonathan Rhys-Meyer only slightly less of a pouting cunt.

Debra

Came across as two-faced. Maybe we could see the other one then on the off chance it's better looking. Has the smallest mouth in the world. Like a satsuma segment sitting on a 12" pizza base.

Ben

Prize cunt. Wore pinstripes and braces because he's a trainee stockbroker. Thinks making money is better than sex. In that case needs fucked up the arse with a dildo made from pound coins.

Anita

Fired already. And no wonder with a face that looks like it was made from a Mr Potato Head set but most of the pieces were missing and the mouth would only go on upside down. Offered nothing but bean counting and that's hardly a basis for a career.

The Apprentice

Never watched it before. Really enjoyed it. I like to talk to the telly. There are two ways to do it. Angry Shouty way as with Dancing On Ice or Laughy Shouty way with The Apprentice. Time to bomb up my critique of the contestants.

The Observer

This is quite old, January time I think, but it's so good I have to post it. I'm quite a fan of Fringe on Sky1 (or Fox in the US). I'm no sci-fi buff but I did like the X-Files and this is in a similar vein. Anyway, for those that have never seen it there's a mysterious character in it known only as The Observer. In a brilliant piece of cross promotion at Fox he appears on the sideline during the Gaints-Eagles. He's never referred to in the clip by the commentators. It's very impressive.
Watch the clip.

Wardrobe Malfunction

My wardrobe is stacked full and it's workings are now based on the principles of Jenga. Pull out any item of clothing and wait and see if everything else falls in a heap on the floor.

It's quite a thrill being me.

Cash machine

I have a bit of a thing (that may be an understatement) when it comes to touching door handles, lavvy handles, bus bells and so on.

I had a difficult time at the cash machine today. Although the buttons looked reasonably fresh the screen looked like the Wanky Shit Demon had tried to make a withdrawal at it. I had to use my pinkie for the whole transaction.

The banks should employ somebody to stand next to every cash machine with a squeegy and a chamois leather. I'll phone Customer Services and see what they plan to do about it.

Finnegans

Sometimes, when my lunch options are reduced I'll buy the ham, smoked cheese and mayo harvester baguette from "local deli" Finnegan's. It's a nice roll if you're in the right mood for it.

The only problem is that the shop has a smell all of it's own. You can actually smell it from three or four shops away. It's difficult to describe. Perhaps someone is pissing on a burning dog in the kitchen? Perhaps there's a corpse under the tiled floor that has become undead and is trying to scrape it's way out. Anyway, it's unpleasant. To buy a roll there you have to make sure there's no queue, get in and get out. Unfortunately today I picked up the roll, there was no queue, but for some reason I lingered and breathed in. Then I put the roll back and left.

Some people might argue that makes me strange. In my defence I'd send them to Finnegan's with open nostrils.

Margiotta

Now that we have vending machines at work there is less of a need for me to use the local convenience store known as Margiotta. This is a chain of shops that pops up in well to do areas. They also play classical music through the Tannoy.

So they think they can charge 45p for a single fucking Babybel!

Money grabbing cuntbags.

Waiter

Why do restuarants always have massive pepper grinders. As with everything I think this is somehow cock related and that the waiter is trying to tell you he is the proud owner of a massive schlong. A little shaker would do me.

Horne + Cordon = Shit

It saddens me this it really does and I'm sorry to be banging on about it but as expected Horne & Cordon's sketch show on BBC3 was an absolute affront to comedy. If anyone off the street had submitted any of the sketches from that show to the Comedy Department they would not get past the first read. It was a fucking embarrassment to all concerned. Go watch on iPlayer then vomit out your eyes. Apparently 817,000 viewers tuned in to episode one. That should drop off to 817 next week.

We know James Corden is fat but doesn't mind taking his top off so let's have 3 or 4 fat related sketches. How about a gay war reporter? How stereotypical can we make it. Let's watch some old Dick Emery shows shall we. What about a sketch about kids drawing cocks. OK but let's make sure it has no punchline though.

To think of the wit and invention shown in other comedy from the US and even in some shows here and yet this utter shit is served up. There are plenty people out there writing comedy who will never catch a break because of the short-sightedness of throwing money at someone who's had a hit doing something else. We shouldn't expect anything less from the channel that has spunked up Two Pints Of Lager And A Wank In Yer Mooth. What makes it worse is the amount of advertising that has supported this show.

In summary - fucking cunts.

That feels a little better.

Seriously

You'd think that Eamonn Holmes would be the biggest cunt in any photograph but not this one. Not when he's with Mr Motivator. Patronising cunt.

You ain't turnin' me ginger fool

Remember the days when Brian May and Anita Dobson used to look alike.


Seems like Anita has decided to move on.

Not convinced that Brian is going to follow suit for some reason.

Hey Guys

Did any of you order a Nazi strip-o-gram?

Cactus Jack Dawson

Fact

No lies

True

Taste The Exotic

It never fails to amuse me, never fails, to find flowery descriptions of the way food is prepared to somehow make you feel that it is worth paying a little bit extra for. Phrases like handcut is a particular favourite for crisps or chips.

My favourite though is from the Pizza Express menu. You can't add chicken to your pizza at Pizza Express. No, at Pizza Express you get torn chicken. Ooh, sounds exotic, I'd like to pay an extra 50p for that.

Actually, what Pizza Express are telling you is that instead of using a knife the chef is just going to tear a bit of chicken up with his bare hands. Well, I hope he's washed the piss off them first.

Bit More Honest

More Honest

Honest

Pass me that thesaurus will you Megan

For the first time ever I'm going to use a library picture on this blog.