Mambo Number Eight

Just leave the basin next to the bed

Went to the local Chinese takeaway the other week. Got a couple of dishes in, one with beansprouts and one without. Helpfully they taped a bit of card to the plastic tub to mark which one had the beansprouts.

When I took the lid off I could see what was on the other side of the piece of card they had used. You're probably expecting this to be a pair of tits or a huge schlong. I wish it was.




What the fuck is that!!

Now I really hope it's something fake but if this is how guys working in Chinese Takeaway kitchens like to get off then I'm sorry but from now on it's Tesco Finest for me.

And you can shove your calendar up yer arse this year pal.

You can chew your own but don't chew somebody else's

I was trying to locate a photo of Johnson's Classic lipcare. It is the chapstick for the modern man. I say chapstick in the same way as you would say tannoy or hoover. Chapstick is not all it used to be. The stick doesn't have the girth of the competition.Step aside too Nivea lip balms and Boots own brand melt in your pocket tosh. Johnson's Classic leaves your lips soft, supple and begging for more.

I always need my chapstick. In fact, a man's not a man at all if he doesn't carry one. If I ever accidentally leave mine at home you can guarantee that my lips will start to tingle like they've been wrapped around a trombone whilst standing in a wind tunnel. There's no shame in popping out your stick and smearing it on. Be bold men.

Anyway, about the picture. It took me to ebay where I saw someone selling tubs of Vaseline for £1.50 plus postage. I don't think I'd ever sink to the depths of buying Vaseline through ebay. There's bound to be a pube in the tub when you open it. And some kilt fibres.

Will turkey foil do sir?

Nigella Express.

Nigella Lawson shows us how we can make great tasting food in minutes to suit our hectic lifestyles in this crazy 21st Century world.

Ideal for Nigella as well as it must take her an age to shave her twat.

Help yourself to cutlery

During a wee break between baths I managed to catch a bit of the Wayans Bros. box office flop Little Man. Their films are usually brutal but for some reason this was making me laugh. I was particularly warmed by the rectal thermometer scene.

Well, who wouldn't be.

In other movie news I caught an even wee-er bit of King Kong. I had to turn it over before I wept.


More doubles for yer roubles on this blog!

Start as you mean to go on