Hey Guys

Did any of you order a Nazi strip-o-gram?

Cactus Jack Dawson

Fact

No lies

True

Taste The Exotic

It never fails to amuse me, never fails, to find flowery descriptions of the way food is prepared to somehow make you feel that it is worth paying a little bit extra for. Phrases like handcut is a particular favourite for crisps or chips.

My favourite though is from the Pizza Express menu. You can't add chicken to your pizza at Pizza Express. No, at Pizza Express you get torn chicken. Ooh, sounds exotic, I'd like to pay an extra 50p for that.

Actually, what Pizza Express are telling you is that instead of using a knife the chef is just going to tear a bit of chicken up with his bare hands. Well, I hope he's washed the piss off them first.

Bit More Honest

More Honest

Honest

Pass me that thesaurus will you Megan

For the first time ever I'm going to use a library picture on this blog.

Daily entry

So far this year I've managed to average out a blog post a day. Recently though I've been Twittering like a mad thing so any little short bursts (e.g. that Ray Quinn gets right on my tits) that would previously have been blogged are now on Twitter. Updates are down the side of this blog but really you should get in to Twitter. The downside to this Twitter activity is that I've got a bit less to blog about just now until I start doing some more cartoons. To make up for it I'm posting another gratuitous Megan Fox picture.

What have we done to deserve this

There's only one thing worse than Myleene Klass. And that's five Myleene Klass's.

Run for the hills!

It's like an Aphex Twin video. I particularly loathe the one with the neckscarf.

Now that's how I like my Starbucks

Venti Vanilla Latte with 3 sugars in a to go cup hand delivered by Megan Fox in a revealing top. A very well spent £2.90.

Corden Bleurgh and the state of UK comedy

It seems that the BBC have found the saviours of comedy and are throwing the whole department's budget at Gavin & Stacey funsters Horne & Corden. If ever there was a flavour of the month then this pair are it. Hosting the Brits, doing a movie about Vampire Lesbians (how original we are children. Can Britain do a comedy film?) and now there are bus sides everywhere for their new "hilarious" BBC3 sketch show.

Now don't get me wrong I enjoyed Gavin & Stacey but the level of exposure they're getting is unreal. It shows how utterly bereft we are of original comedy in this country nowadays. Look at the line up for this years Comic Relief - why it's Gavin and Stacey! And Lenny Henry!

Man, we really need a British equivalent of HBO or Comedy Central that would invest in good comedy. Sky should be doing that instead of throwing money at horseshit like Hello Goodbye, Noel's HQ and Don't Forget The Fucking Lyrics Or I'll Twat You. The only original programme from Sky that's deserved a view recently has been Ross Kemp in Afghanistan. He was absolutely shitting himself when the bullets started flying and no wonder.

Anyway, I like the Old Guys on BBC1. Would help if Trigger could deliver his lines better because he is fed some classics. I watched FM on ITV2. It's about DJ's and is full of effing and jeffing. Now I like coarse but there's funny coarse and coarse for the sake of it and this was the latter. You can talk the filthiest shit with your mates and be in tears laughing but when you see that on TV it just doesn't seem funny unless the characters are spot on and these guys aren't.

BBC Scotland has been running some one off original comedy shows since the Chewin' the Fat guys fell out. Last week we had the Limmy Show, some clever bits, some weird, few laughs. This week we had Burnistoun which was a set of sketches set in a fictional town. Pretty much every sketch on it you've already seen played out better before. This programme was made by The Comedy Unit. Their website says that they have such a backlog of unread scripts that they are binning full scripts from the last 12 months. And yet shite like Burnistoun actually gets made.

Anyway, for some true comedy genius watch 30 Rock tonight. Last week it featured Jerry Seinfeld presenting a show called MILF Island. Now that's comedy.

IMAX 3D Porn

Can you imagine that. IMAX screens, 3D (which is now being touted as the future of cinema) and porno films. Quite an overwhelming prospect. In fact with enormous phalluses in your face and gaping orifices trying to swallow you up I get the feeling it would be like being stuck in the middle of an Alien v Predator battle.



I think that's Jenna Jameson's snatch on the right.

20/20 Opticians

My optician is the Queen Street branch of 20/20 Opticians. Each time I visit there are around 10 employees working on the shop floor yet you rarely see the same staff twice. Add to this that they always have to collect my contact lenses from the basement and it makes me pretty certain there's something quite sinister going on in that place.

2 + 2 = 5 if you know what I'm saying. Which you don't.

Brits 2009 Round Up

• Bono with eye shadow. Cock.
• Gavin & Stacey men. Have you ever heard of over exposure.
• Girls Aloud. Brilliant.
• Duffy. You could hide a Wrigley's Juicy Fruit in the deep lines of her unique face. She's 24!!
• Pet Shop Boys. Pet Shop Hamster Cage Shite.
• Too much monotonous crowd noise makes for boring viewing.
• Too much monotonous Fearne Cotton makes for ICD.

Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA is the most scripted reality show I have ever seen. The oohs and aahs are all out of sequence (which to be fair is in the small print in the end titles as is the fact that the programme contributes towards customer bills), the effing and jeffing is forced, every week follows an identical pattern of events. Every restaurant owner is a grumpy bastard who stepped off the set of The Sopranos who eventually sees the error of his ways after old torn face has called him a lazy fucker for 30 minutes.There's no doubt that Ramsay's schtick is wearing thin but at least on the UK show it doesn't seem so contrived and filmed in the same street every week.

For the record

The children that appear on MTV's My Super Sweet 16 UK are the most vile, obnoxious cunts known to man. I saw 10 minutes of this show earlier in the week and was so traumatised I had to step on to a garden rake to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

If this is the future we're in trouble.

Twitteratti

I've become obsessed with Twitter and twittering (or is it tweeting). When I say obsessed I mean obsessed. I love it. My favourite part of Facebook has always been the status updates and basically Twitter is just you updating your status as often as you want but to a maximum of 140 characters. I think that brings some discipline to whatever you write and cuts down on the waffle. I call it honing my craft. You can follow anyone and anyone can follow you although I think it is part of the terms & conditions that you follow Stephen Fry.

It has to be said that some entries are as dry as the crack of a nun crossing the Sahara, in fact it's 95% toss but you do get to follow celebrities and Fearne Cotton and you can come across a few porn stars. And who wouldn't want to do that.

Come join me. I mean follow me. I'm Steakbake. All eyes and ears. And arse.

Help me

My ears are slipping off!



Picture from tmz.com

Good Golly Goth

I spent my teenage years being moody and miserable and listening to The Sisters Of Mercy. Lead singer Andrew Eldritch was the epitome of mysterious cool.


Sad to see him fucking about in Milan with that div David Beckham nowadays though.

Mr Motivator

Does anyone else find Gordon Brown as inspirational a figure as I do. He just makes me want to go out and do stuff.



Except that.

Hello Fuck Off

Rather than invest it's money in producing original comedy or drama Sky likes to use it's money to serve up more mind melting "entertainment" shows than you can shake a shit dipped stick at.

The latest attempt is "Hello Goodbye". By all accounts this is a reality show based at Heathrow Airport and concerns the real life dramas surrounding people arriving at or leaving from Heathrow. Sounds nausea inducing doesn't it. In which case it's the perfect vehicle for strawberry faced Kate Thornton. So as loved ones part under distressing circumstances here's Kate standing next to them giving that "I've just filled my nappy" look that she does so well. Frankly, if I was ever on that show you'd see me being escorted away by HM Constabulary having booted Kate in the cunt.

Now that would be television.

An apology to Gillette and Bum Face Federer

Just had the most awful shave with Jonny Wilkinson's Pork Sword. Actually it wasn't a shave at all as it couldn't remove the hairs. I can't believe they even sell this, it doesn't work. Got the old faithful rusty bladed Gillette out to save the day. Now I'm shaved all over like the first baboon of Spring.

Twatter

As Gimplord I set up Twitter a while ago. I used it for a few days but the erection soon wore off. I liked it because I enjoy doing the status updates on Facebook and this was like doing lots of them. The downside was that it was a bit poor working it on my mobile.

I've got a second wind though and am loving it. Following Stephen Fry (is there anyone on Twitter who doesn't), Demi Moore, Eddie Izzard, DJ ENO, Jonathon Ross, Shaq and comedy writers Tina Fey (30 Rock, SNL), Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show) and Graham Linehan (Father Ted, IT Crowd).

You can catch my twitter updates down the left side of this blog but it would be even better if you climbed on.

Join Twitter now and you can twat yourself with me tonight. Or is it tweet yourself. Dunno.

Deo

Fuck me if Lynx haven't dropped my favourite roll-on yet again. I have very sensitive ockster (I have no idea how to spell it) skin for some reason and can only use certain deo's without irritation. These are usually Lynx products but only certain ones work. Pulse did. Discontinued. Click did. Discontinued. Now they have Instinct. It's supposed to smell like leather in a good way but actually smells like leather in a bad way. Like an old man sitting in a leather armchair smoking a pipe and pissing himself from time to time. Fucking rank.

So I bought Dark Temptation today. Sound a bit like an invitation to a forbidden anus so let's hope it doesn't smell like one.

Beardy

I haven't had a shave for about two weeks now. I look like a hobo and a bit too damn gingery.

I've been balking at the price of razor blades though. These Gillette Fusion ones are like £15 for 8 blades. I've also gone off Gillette because I'm starting to find Roger Federer's bum like chin too irritating. Most bum faced chin in sport since Will Carling I reckon. So I've switched to Jonny Wilkinson's Pork Sword incorporating Suzi Quattro's Titanium Bush Trimmer. The packaging is huge to fit that name on. Let's hope it's as close and comfortable as Suzi's leather breeks from the old days when she was the poor man's Joan Jett.

Valentines

Was in Marks & Spencer for a short while last night. It was like flies round shite with people grasping at the Valentines 2 for £20 offer. A lot of shops have been doing credit crunch offers but not so the florists and greetings card shops. You could easily spend £50 on some very average flowers and Clinton were selling some cards for £10.

Good to see that no matter how bad the economy gets we're still getting fucked on the high street.

Out of a job

Tony Adams has vacated his position as manager of Portsmouth.

By the looks of it he vacated the planet some time ago.

Taken the piss

"I will find you and I will kill you" says Liam Neeson in the trailer for Taken. This film is a real dud and Liam fails to convince that he could follow through on that promise. I'm sure he'd be blowing out his arse a minute in to a foot race.

The DVD comes out Monday as an "Extended Harder Cut". What the fuck does that mean? It's a bit longer and a bit more violent? Sounds more like a slogan on a cure for erectile dysfunction.

Grrrrrr

I'll tell you something that gets right on my Bristols and that's when the supermarket let the "local" kids sports club raise money by offering to pack your bags at the checkout in return for a donation.

Get tae.

You want me to pay for someone to badly pack my single bag of shopping. Honestly, if I bought a dozen eggs and an anvil they'd pack the anvil on top of the eggs.

Don't have nightmares

Whilst farting about with numbers with Total Recall in the background an ad just came on that has totally freaked me out. I can't find a link to it and I'm not sure I even want to.

You'll have seen a previous ad for the Think 30 campaign about slowing down your driving speed. The one with the little girl that goes back in time. As a dad it gives me the shivers every time I see it and the message really hits home. The latest ad is even more memorable but in a very different way. It features the contorted body of a young boy that's been knocked down and appears in the memory of the driver who hit him all the time. He's under the computer desk then he's at the door of the bedroom. I get the message about speeding but the ad is so damn scary it's difficult to watch more than 2 seconds of it. Pasty faced kids are a staple of horror films and that's what this ad is.

Woody Allen Diary

I've never been a big Woody Allen fan. There's something a little creepy about the way he cast himself as the love interest to women less than half his age plus I'm still traumatised by what happened to Scarlett in Matchpoint. Nevertheless this New York Times diary piece he did from the set of his last film is pretty funny.

Some Quickfire Bafta Thoughts

A classic Claudia Wankleminge red carpet interview with Penelope Cruz. Claudia tells her it might sound weird but she'd really like to sniff her hair to which Penelope replies "that is weird" whilst giving a get the fuck away from me look. A gem.

The fantastic Total Recall is on ITV2 right now. Sharon Stone looks amazing. That's like 20 years ago which is even more amazing. Tonight Sharon looked a right div trying to read the autocue. At least Goldie Hawn got a laugh out of being unable to read it. Shaz should have flashed her growler to distract everyone from her incompetence.

It's always the same with award shows. The films that are up for nomination are not the kind you'd actually want to see. I wouldn't cross the road to see The Reader. Actually I'd be phoning the council to see how they got planning permission to build a cinema across the road from me.

Hey Mick Jagger, you a funny guy. Keep milking that one joke now.

Who the fuck invited Titty Abbmus? And that dress is hideous darling!

Incredible India

Do I really need to say it?

I probably don't but I'm going to anyway.

What a cunt.

Creepy

So I'm watching Superbowl XLIII and the Cardinals are at the Steelers 1 and I'm thinking imagine if this got intercepted and taken all the way back the other way for a touchdown. 10 seconds later that's exactly what happened in the longest and one of the most amazing plays in Superbowl history.

Actually it made me feel kind of creepy. Maybe I've come over all pyshic.

And maybe not.

Back to the action now that Bruce Springsteen's fucked off back to Walmart to collect his cash.

Lulu

ICD Group

Raising Awareness of ICD is now a group on Facebook.

Come join me.

ICD

It's time to let the world know all about a condition that is sweeping the globe. It's name is Irritating Celebrity Disorder (ICD). Every day there are more and more sufferers as more celebrities to more irritating things. Whereas previously these were seen as isolated conditions, for example Ray Quinn Syndrome, they are in fact different variations on the same condition with broadly the same symptoms.

Some of us suffer ICD through a wide range of celebrities. As you know I have Ray Quinn Syndrome. But did you also realise that I have Kate Thornton Trauma, Sharleen Spiteri Pain, Lulu (yes, this one is simply known as Lulu), Victoria Beckham Mania (bad mania not good mania) and James Bluntism. James Bluntism is probably the most common form of ICD in the UK.

The more these people appear across various forms of media the more the symptoms appear. It can be debilitating and, like an ITV sitcom, is certainly no laughing matter. What makes this worse, and why I can connect this to the more "popular" OCD is that one symptom is that you cannot resist viewing this media. It's like scratching an itchy rash. I could find myself watching Ray Quinn on Dancing On Ice just so I could feel the pain of seeing his smarmy, cocksure face.

New forms of ICD can creep up on you at any time. That is why it is so dangerous and why I am spending my limited free time in promoting it's awareness. I am going to set up a dedicated Facebook group as well. I hope this won't be construed as attacking or hating specific people, it is merely highlighting one of society's problems and needs to be recognised as such. Should I get banned from Facebook for doing this then so be it. Rage against the machine and all that.

Previously I had found Myleene Klass to be a little offensive but not a candidate for ICD. That was until I saw her Pantene shampoo ad. Possibly the most offensive ad ever shown and certainly one that brought out my ICD. As I dry heaved on my way from the TV I couldn't help but Google Myleene Klass Pantene ad to discover that not only does she have her own nausea inducing website but that she has her own You Tube channel.



Look at her, she has shiny hair, she can play the piano, she can gurn and she can have a baby and still stay in shape. How can any other woman on the planet ever be able to do that, even aspiring to do that must be exhausting. Oh Myleene you are amazing. Thank you for teaching us your ways. Could you now be so kind as to fuck off until we feel the need for a Hearsay reunion tour.

Ramble

And I'll tell you something else that gets right on my neeple ends is rambling quiz show contestants. Gone are the days were the quizmaster asked a question which you just answered. Now quizzes are all multiple choice which is fair enough but the contestants now give us an enormous long story as to why they don't think it is any of the other choices.

Well I don't give a fuck what you think the answer isn't do I. All this does is mean there are few and fewer questions in most quiz shows and more rambling and almost as annoying are the pregnant pauses whilst we wait for the answer to be revealed. Honestly, they're getting longer than the ad breaks.

Here's how quiz shows should be done. Classic.

Lunch

This is the window display at Oink on Victoria Street. Very fresh porky sandwiches. Now I like my meat but I'm very much of the out of sight out of mind viewpoint when it comes to this kind of thing. Also I can't vouch for the quality of their baps.



This picture comes courtesy of theedinburghblog.co.uk

Why So Hideous?

There's some debate as to whether or not the next Batman film could have someone else playing The Joker or if Heath Ledger made the role his own.

Looks like Nicola Roberts has started to offer her services already.

Burns night

In these days of the credit crunch I've decided that this Burns night I'm going to cut out the middle man and just go for a drive, find a sheep and eat it.

Can I reassure you that despite my fondness for Aberdeen Football Club I have no intention of fucking the sheep before eating it. Though this one does look up for it.

Inauguaration

It's nice to see that President Obama let a hobo take the stage for a few minutes.

A word

Could someone have a word with poor Stevie and let him know 3 things:

1. His hair's slipping off.

2. His stylist has been taking the piss for at least 20 years.

3. That dyed beard nonce Sting is sharing the stage with you and if you're not careful he'll fuck you for 24 hours non stop. Hey Sting there's a job going that Jordan's just created for us. Interested?

Stains

If I had a Golf Sale style sign with the arrow on it but it said "Cunts" instead I would stand next to the Beckhams all day every day.

Creepy

I think this is the creepiest picture of Tom Cruise I have ever seen. He really does look like a Scientologist now.

Jordan speaks....through her arse

She told OK! magazine: "I agree with the death penalty... If someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him.

There might be nearly 2 million unemployed but I wouldn't think there'd be much of a queue for that vacancy. I could go on but I won't on the grounds of decency.

For the crime of talking shite in a national publication, Jordan you are sentenced to a life of suffering with 3 ridiculous tits. The left, the right and your husband.

Farewell Dear Tina, I could smell you from here

As Tina Malone departed CBB on Friday night she told Davina what she had learned from her stay in the house - don't judge a book by it's cover.

But if that book says on the cover "The Story Of A Fat Fannied Loudmouth Scouser That Reeks Of Fags" you can be fairly certain that it's a biography of Tina Malone.

Sign Language

I'm getting increasingly irritated by the misleading but some might say clever signs being used to lure shoppers in for sale items.

Currently doing the rounds are "UP TO 50% OFF" by Homebase

and

JBB Sports "WAREHOUSE CLOSING DOWN SALE"



PRICE CUNTS

Now That's What I Call Rough

NOW 1 was released in 1984 and was re-released a couple of weeks ago as a 25th anniversary cash in. I wasn't really in to all that pop stuff back then though I did buy NOW3 or 4 or 5 I think. Appearing on NOW 1 were Culture Club. Seeing Boy George on Top Of The Pops was my first exposure to the whole "gender bender" thing and to gayness in general (not that there's anything wrong with it). Up until then Bonnyrigg had never seen the like and for a lot of us it was a real eye opener. I often wonder what happened to that Boy George character.........

Anyway, to lighten the mood here's a picture of a surly, fat bloke who's just been done for cuffing some guy in his flat.

Least Intimidating Promo Shot Ever

Cool As Fuck

Ray Quinn Syndrome

Just over two years ago I suffered from a condition called Ray Quinn Syndrome. It plagued me from the moment he first appeared on the X Factor to when Leona Lewis finalY put him out of his misery. Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, shaking, hysteria, swearing, throwing objects aT the television, hot and cold sweats, vomiting and nausea.

I've had the odd episode or setback whenever I've seen an ad for him starring in a touring musical but this quickly passes and I've been able to deal with it without medication or counselling.

Dancing On Ice returned to our screens on Sunday. It's a family favourite although it hardly flogs my log. Looking at this year's lineup there seemed to be a proliferation of bappage with Melinda's Messengers ultimately battling it out with Holly's Willoughbys. Then there's Roxanne, Gemma, Zoe, weight loss Nolan and as per usual someone from Liberty X. On the lads side there was no sign of the fat Greek boy from Blue meaning he's the only one not prostituting himself on reality TV recently from that band. Then there's Tucker, Celery Hanley, Graeme Le Shit, Donal "Ooh put the knife away" McIntyre, some guy who fucked his ankle on the show last year and Ray "SMARMY OIL FACED TALENTLESS OOZE BUCKET YOUR FACE MAKES ME WANT TO PULL MY EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO A PASSING GOOSE AND AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOUR VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY OWN TONGUE OUT AND SHOVE IT UP THE ARSE OF THE WOMEN ON DUNDAS STREET THAT SELLS THE BIG ISSUE YOU KNOW THE REALLY GROTTY ONE WHO SHOUTS AT YOU TWENTY YARDS BEFORE YOU REACH HER AND THEN CALLS YOU A FUCKING FANNY WHEN YOU DON'T BUY THE MAGAZINE YOU SNIVELLING FUCKSTICK AND YOU'RE A FUCKING GOOD SKATER TOO WHICH MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW FOR AGES YOU FUCKING FUCKER" Quinn.

Bring on the pills.

For old time's sake

Sting

Sting turns up at the Golden Globes with newly dyed black hair and beard. What a div. The tantric sex god is a lot like my postman in that he gets down to business at the crack of down but rarely comes before lunchtime. For some reason Sting was introduced at the Globes as "singer, composer and social activist." Hanging around with some block from the Amazon with a Wagon Wheel stuck in his gob at least ten years ago doesn't make you a social activist. It makes you a cunt.

Fuck off Ulrika

After seeing a bit of the BB eviction on Saturday night's show it was blatant trickery that Ulrika went in to tear mode as soon as Davina's voice came through. Seconds before she was laughing and joking. Coolio noticed. Bad actress.

Golden Globes Review in a Perez Hilton Stylee

Exclusive! Man tries Marmite for first time, experiences near vomitus

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Outstanding work from our Little Ginger Friend

The News Of The World has unearthed a three year old video of Prince Harry indulging in some full on racist banter. I caught it on Sky News earlier and nearly popped a vein laughing. Here's Harry filming the some of the soldiers sleeping when he zooms in on his "little Paki friend". In context it doesn't seem like Harry even knows who he is but a Clarence House spokesperson has defended Harry by saying there should be a line drawn under it as there was no malice intended and it was the boy's nickname (his real name is Ahmed). No repercussions then for Harry, he ain't got a job to lose.

But hold on a second. Who gives someone a nickname like Little Paki Friend? Are we supposed to believe this. Saint, Greavsie, Lanky, Smithy, Spotty, Pieman, The Power, Big Cock, Hopalong, Cheesy, Hurricane, Shagger, these are all nicknames.

Little Paki Friend is not a nickname.

Fucking Useless Leeching Ginger Cunt is though.

Moving

Who was I kidding. For one I can't be arsed managing two blogs but the bigger stumbling block has been splitting my personality over two blogs. I am what I am and there's no point trying to get away from that or hide that fact.

So consider this blog as Gimplord Unmasked if you want. I've imported all previous posts from Gimplord into this one which has caused a bit of font chaos but never mind.

Expect a bit of anything and everything from this blog including a bunch o' cunts.

Off Yer Tits

And so it is farwell to Lucy Pinder and her big covered up jugs. She was more engaging during the exit interview than at any time in the house but as she was clearly only in it for the money she seemed quite contented.



What were all the tears from Ulrika all about. That woman is really ticking me off now. She couldn't handle the idea of the public voting her out and she loved the attention from the housemates once the result was announced. Bee hatch.

There's something for everyone

I was introduced to Salad Fingers a while back by an Internation DJ. It's creepy, surreal stuff but proof that no matter how bizarre your ideas are there is an audience out there for them if it's done well.

Now check this out by the same guy. It's just frickin' weird. I found it via Doug Nagy.

New ways to make yourself ill

I hate doctor's at the best of times but when you have to hang around in the waiting room for a bit no matter how hard you try not to you can't help but end up reading all the posters all over the walls. They invariably give you a list of symptoms for every illness you can think of (and some that you can't) so by the time you leave you're convinced you're ill with something else.

Well, that's how it works with me anyway.

Knick Knack Knock Off

You may have seen the latest Knock Off Nigel ad on TV. The whole campaign is flawed as it show's everyone at work berating their colleague for downloading knock off DVDs.

In reality of course everyone in the office would be asking the guy if he could burn them a copy.

Everybody loves knock off Nigel. It's the prick with the 'tache in the ad they can't stand.

What Tesco is telling you at Christmas

12 days to go: Buy chocolate, lots of chocolate, big bags of crisps, juice, drink fizzy juice and booze.

11 days to go: Eat sweets you love them!

10 days to go: Get drunk, eat loads of Kettle Chips they're down to a £1 a bag!

9 days to go: Remember to buy selection boxes for everyone. They love them!

8 days to go: Have a Chocolate Orange. Eat it in one go!

7 days to go: Ram a Toblerone up yourself. Then take it out and eat. With crisps and juice.

6 days to go: Mmmm, Ferrero Rocher, spoil yourself.

5 days to go: Drink 16 cans of lager. They're on offer you must buy them.

4 days to go: After eights, oh, you'll need after eights.

3 days to go: Mince pies, Mr Kipling wants you to buy 2 packs for £1.50. Eat them all!

2 days to go: Pringles are half price. Get a tube of every flavour. Eat one whilst your going rounf the shop.

1 day to go: Go to Tesco. Buy everything you can. Remember we're closed for one day so you'll have to stock up.

Christmas Day: Eat everything. Toblerone, Chocolate Orange, Matchmakers, 10 selection boxes, a tube of Maltesers, some chocolate coins, After Eights, Kettle Chips, Pringles, drink lager, drink Baileys, consume, consume, consume.

Boxing Day: YOU FAT BASTARD!! LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRACE. HOW CAN YOU LET YOURSELF GET LIKE THAT. HAVE YOU NO SELF RESPECT?? Get into our store sharpish where we have a wide range of Celebrity Fitness DVDs just new on the shelf. Half price on Go Ahead snacks and Special K Cereal as well.

The Three Gifts of Desperation at Christmas

1. Something from the Body Shop.

2. Something from Thorntons.

3. An iTunes gift card.

Congratulations if you got all three this Yuletide.

Snooker loopy

Most snooker players wear black waistcoats. Often with a black shirt as well. Even on full HD not a speck of dandruff or flaky scalp on any of them. Quite remarkable.

What is their secret. They should have shampoo sponsorhip. The Head & Shoulders World Championship. Peter Ebdon would be banned.

Verne as Lionel Ritchie

Genius. The guy is shitting liquid whilst he's doing it. Only Ulrika can dampen it by overegging at the end to steal some limelight and then patronising Verne by telling him he should be proud of himself. What? Just because you're a midget doesn't mean you can't fucking sing.

I hope she goes and Pinder Tits stays.

How much was Lionel Barrymore paid to be ignored on a crane. How low can you go in the celebrity cesspool.

BB Update

Managed to catch a bit of CBB last night and have changed my opinion on some housemates:

Tommy - dick.

Verne - amazingly nervous during Romeo & Juliet. Would make an amazing gimp for someone with minimal cupboard space.

Ken from A1 - quite funny really. Poor choice in knitwear though.

Coolio - legend. Really gets on everyone's tits, has a massive ego and didn't get voted biggest ego.

Terry Sallgold - his teeth are getting worse by the day. They look like Terracotta Army footsoldiers.

Ulrika - should just not talk. Massive ego that unlike Coolio constantly needs to have it fondled.

Tina - comes out with some cracking lines but swears too much. I like a swear but not when it's fucking gratuitous.

Michael Jackson - was sweating like a hostage during the talent show. Notice how BB really upped the original vocals in the mix to drown out the piss poor range of Mizz Jackson. She's really sweet though. Horrible green tracky bottoms mind.

Tits Pinder - was really stitched up by BB for the talent show. How standing in your pants talking about the Labour Party represents her talent I'll never know. Should have been allowed to wap out the baps though she's looked reluctant to do so. Is ever so good at apply make up and never looks less than perfect. Toffee nosed cow with horrendous points of view so would suit a ball gag. Would like her to stay in or at least flash her norks on eviction.

Mutya Buena Kinder Surprise - she's really nice and was the best singer at the talent show. Could still use a flannel though.

Michelle - her singing at the talent show defied belief. Truly awful. Definitely wasn't wearing knickers.

It's not every day

you get boffed by an International DJ (particularly big in Japan).



I consider it my Greatest Honour.

Cup Ow Soup

Readers of a previous blog of mine may recall my ultimately successful campaign to have Terry's Chocolate Orange change the sticker slogan from "Tap and Unwrap" to "Whack and Unwrap".

It's time for another product to be outed. Heinz CupSoup. Add 200ml of boiling water and stir well. Wait a few moments, then enjoy!

How long is a moment? 5 seconds? So a few moments might be 30 seconds. Try drinking CupSoup after 30 seconds and like a labiaplasty gone wrong you can say goodbye to your lips.

If you're reading this Heinz then I demand that you change moments to minutes.

CBB Initial Musings

Ha ha ha...........love it.

Celebrity Big Brother is back. Let's think about this years contestants. Special mention to Davina though. Her fitness DVD outsells all others. Hardly one you'd crack one off to though is it.

In the best order I can remember.

First in is LaToya Jackson. There's no point in saying she looks weird. Let's assume her face will fall to bits within the week.

Mutya Buena. The rough one out of Sugababes. Her name sounds like a greeting or a tin of something you'd find in a Mexican grocers. She's piled on the pounds since her last solo single and now has 14 tattoos including one that covers most of one calf. Now she looks like an over inflated Amy Winehouse doll. She'd bite it off whilst you were sleeping.

Verne Troyer. The crowd clearly finds a midget cute. I wonder if his sex tape was cute too. For a midget he's certainly a small one. Somebody could have helped him a bit more with his bag, he was knackered from the walk they made him do which in midget terms was about 2 miles.

Was it Tommy Sheridan next? He's a wank. I think they're hoping to repeat the George Galloway trick. Can't see it working but I'll change my mind if he's on all fours drinking milk from LaToya in a future show.

Lucy Pinder. She's posh. She's stuck up. She's a Tory. But look at her tits everyone! Even though she's the glamour girl there'll be no flicking off or lezzing from this one though. In the same way Nicola McLean did in the jungle she's going to be so obnoxious that you'll forget about the tits soon enough. Trust me.

Ben from A1. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tina Something. She was in Shameless. She keeps telling us she's got OCD and she's fat and she's scouse. Obviously campaigning to get kicked out. Big muff though.

It's Coolio. Gangsters Paradise was in 1995. Coolio is 45 years old. Makes a slightly creepy comment about wanting to be fanned by young girls and then clarifies that they would be over 18. That's the R Kelly rule for you. Playing the Dennis Rodman role is our Coolio.

Michelle Heaton. She never wears knickers. Never.

Terry Sallgold. I'm old enough to remember what a wanker he was on The Word. Davina informs us that Terry says he doesn't suffer fools gladly. That phrase is usually only used on CVs or in job interviews. Why not just say I don't like thick fuckers. Wanker.

Ulrika. Ulrika doesn't need a surname. She has 18 children by 19 different men. She's seen some cock has Ulrika but I don't know why she bangs on about shagging Sven as if it's something to be proud of. She looks quite rough in the VT but we'll forgive her that. I like Ulrika but she does herself no favours with the things she says. I wonder if she ever had Vic and Bob? Or a bobby covered in Vicks?

So there it is. Tits, bums, fannies, the lot.

Michelle to win and flash her minge to celebrate.

Ahoy hoy

Happy New Year

You'll have to excuse the lack of recent posts. I've had such an erection since Sandy Burke won the X Factor that I've been unable to focus.

In new news there are changes afoot. As Keith's gimp I'm being put back in my box. I will be allowed out to blog though but with a new remit that covers TV reviews, celebrity news, Coco and extensive use of the word cunt.

Keith has started his own blog which is cunt free (except for himself) and is supposed to be smarter and funnier. You can check it from here.

So, as luck would have it the spunkathon that is Celebrity Big Brother kicks off tomorrow and I look forward to covering it for you.