Ha ha ha...........love it.
Celebrity Big Brother is back. Let's think about this years contestants. Special mention to Davina though. Her fitness DVD outsells all others. Hardly one you'd crack one off to though is it.
In the best order I can remember.
First in is LaToya Jackson. There's no point in saying she looks weird. Let's assume her face will fall to bits within the week.
Mutya Buena. The rough one out of Sugababes. Her name sounds like a greeting or a tin of something you'd find in a Mexican grocers. She's piled on the pounds since her last solo single and now has 14 tattoos including one that covers most of one calf. Now she looks like an over inflated Amy Winehouse doll. She'd bite it off whilst you were sleeping.
Verne Troyer. The crowd clearly finds a midget cute. I wonder if his sex tape was cute too. For a midget he's certainly a small one. Somebody could have helped him a bit more with his bag, he was knackered from the walk they made him do which in midget terms was about 2 miles.
Was it Tommy Sheridan next? He's a wank. I think they're hoping to repeat the George Galloway trick. Can't see it working but I'll change my mind if he's on all fours drinking milk from LaToya in a future show.
Lucy Pinder. She's posh. She's stuck up. She's a Tory. But look at her tits everyone! Even though she's the glamour girl there'll be no flicking off or lezzing from this one though. In the same way Nicola McLean did in the jungle she's going to be so obnoxious that you'll forget about the tits soon enough. Trust me.
Ben from A1. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Tina Something. She was in Shameless. She keeps telling us she's got OCD and she's fat and she's scouse. Obviously campaigning to get kicked out. Big muff though.
It's Coolio. Gangsters Paradise was in 1995. Coolio is 45 years old. Makes a slightly creepy comment about wanting to be fanned by young girls and then clarifies that they would be over 18. That's the R Kelly rule for you. Playing the Dennis Rodman role is our Coolio.
Michelle Heaton. She never wears knickers. Never.
Terry Sallgold. I'm old enough to remember what a wanker he was on The Word. Davina informs us that Terry says he doesn't suffer fools gladly. That phrase is usually only used on CVs or in job interviews. Why not just say I don't like thick fuckers. Wanker.
Ulrika. Ulrika doesn't need a surname. She has 18 children by 19 different men. She's seen some cock has Ulrika but I don't know why she bangs on about shagging Sven as if it's something to be proud of. She looks quite rough in the VT but we'll forgive her that. I like Ulrika but she does herself no favours with the things she says. I wonder if she ever had Vic and Bob? Or a bobby covered in Vicks?
So there it is. Tits, bums, fannies, the lot.
Michelle to win and flash her minge to celebrate.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
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A masterful analysis M'Lud, and one with which I whole-heartedly agree. I love your ranty tendency.
ReplyDeleteI was genuinely surprised to see Tommy "Permatan" Sheridan on there, what with his street cred and socialist honour to maintain, but then I remembered he is a convicted perjurer - so CBB is a perfect stage on which he can wank his massive ego in public.
I too like Ulrika-ka-ka-ka. She's now as rough as a badger's rough bits and seems to have done something to the bridge of her nose. It looks like she's heated up her Rowenta steam iron and held it there for several minutes. It's worked, as she now has a perfectly smooth skin triangle between her eyebrows. Either that or her forehead has sunken and collapsed. The effect is, regardless, rather strange and with her heavy eye make up and crimped hair she looks like an old version Brittney Spears.
Her boobs have also collapsed. As Bob said on the latest episode of shooting stars, "Ulrika - just how many kids have you had since I last saw you?" Vic was crueller - when telling Jack Dee the rules, he advised him, "Don't whatever you do, look at Ulrika's knees - she might think you're staring at her boobs."
Despite trying to find the Troy Verner sex tape on line, I was luckily unsuccessful. I did learn that that marriage lasted a month. Perhaps he didn't measure up. Whatever you do, do not type "Midget Porn" into Google, you will vomit.
The Coolio chappie looks like he's on cocaine.
Terry Christian must be in deep shit to appear on CBB. Despite his irritating Mancunian ways, I harboured some lingering respect for him - til now.
Mutya is allegedly 23. Bollox. As you say the ugly one from Sugababes, but probably the one with talent. I see her and just think of her as "mutt" - as in Muttley.
All Jacksons are mad.
The rest I have not fully considered. In other words I don't know who they are.
Verne to win, especially if he's knocked off his feet by Permatan's ego wanking.