What Tesco is telling you at Christmas

12 days to go: Buy chocolate, lots of chocolate, big bags of crisps, juice, drink fizzy juice and booze.

11 days to go: Eat sweets you love them!

10 days to go: Get drunk, eat loads of Kettle Chips they're down to a £1 a bag!

9 days to go: Remember to buy selection boxes for everyone. They love them!

8 days to go: Have a Chocolate Orange. Eat it in one go!

7 days to go: Ram a Toblerone up yourself. Then take it out and eat. With crisps and juice.

6 days to go: Mmmm, Ferrero Rocher, spoil yourself.

5 days to go: Drink 16 cans of lager. They're on offer you must buy them.

4 days to go: After eights, oh, you'll need after eights.

3 days to go: Mince pies, Mr Kipling wants you to buy 2 packs for £1.50. Eat them all!

2 days to go: Pringles are half price. Get a tube of every flavour. Eat one whilst your going rounf the shop.

1 day to go: Go to Tesco. Buy everything you can. Remember we're closed for one day so you'll have to stock up.

Christmas Day: Eat everything. Toblerone, Chocolate Orange, Matchmakers, 10 selection boxes, a tube of Maltesers, some chocolate coins, After Eights, Kettle Chips, Pringles, drink lager, drink Baileys, consume, consume, consume.

Boxing Day: YOU FAT BASTARD!! LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRACE. HOW CAN YOU LET YOURSELF GET LIKE THAT. HAVE YOU NO SELF RESPECT?? Get into our store sharpish where we have a wide range of Celebrity Fitness DVDs just new on the shelf. Half price on Go Ahead snacks and Special K Cereal as well.