Ray Quinn Syndrome

Just over two years ago I suffered from a condition called Ray Quinn Syndrome. It plagued me from the moment he first appeared on the X Factor to when Leona Lewis finalY put him out of his misery. Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, shaking, hysteria, swearing, throwing objects aT the television, hot and cold sweats, vomiting and nausea.

I've had the odd episode or setback whenever I've seen an ad for him starring in a touring musical but this quickly passes and I've been able to deal with it without medication or counselling.

Dancing On Ice returned to our screens on Sunday. It's a family favourite although it hardly flogs my log. Looking at this year's lineup there seemed to be a proliferation of bappage with Melinda's Messengers ultimately battling it out with Holly's Willoughbys. Then there's Roxanne, Gemma, Zoe, weight loss Nolan and as per usual someone from Liberty X. On the lads side there was no sign of the fat Greek boy from Blue meaning he's the only one not prostituting himself on reality TV recently from that band. Then there's Tucker, Celery Hanley, Graeme Le Shit, Donal "Ooh put the knife away" McIntyre, some guy who fucked his ankle on the show last year and Ray "SMARMY OIL FACED TALENTLESS OOZE BUCKET YOUR FACE MAKES ME WANT TO PULL MY EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO A PASSING GOOSE AND AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOUR VOICE MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY OWN TONGUE OUT AND SHOVE IT UP THE ARSE OF THE WOMEN ON DUNDAS STREET THAT SELLS THE BIG ISSUE YOU KNOW THE REALLY GROTTY ONE WHO SHOUTS AT YOU TWENTY YARDS BEFORE YOU REACH HER AND THEN CALLS YOU A FUCKING FANNY WHEN YOU DON'T BUY THE MAGAZINE YOU SNIVELLING FUCKSTICK AND YOU'RE A FUCKING GOOD SKATER TOO WHICH MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW FOR AGES YOU FUCKING FUCKER" Quinn.

Bring on the pills.