X Factor Almost Live Blog

Almost Live my arse! It's just after midnight on Monday and here we go. Away the insomniacs!

On comes Dermot. For once I wished he'd wearing something else. Trackie bottoms and an adidas t-shirt would be a good bet.

The judges. Cheryl's still too thin. She looks like a cocktail decoration in that dress. The earings are brutal as well.

Sandy Burke is up first. Ooh that's quite splendid. Original arrangement and she sleeps with her sister. Quality. I wish Louis would pause for a bit before he starts talking he always gets drowned out.

Now it's Tits Lorenzo. Everyone that was great but I went to put the kettle on. Could it be another sing off for The Bearded Clam.

It's JLM. No, I mean JLS with a rendition of A Million Love Songs. Weak as fuck. Truly dire. Still got a decent write up from the "experts".

Bit of broo-ha-ha as Louis and Dannii squabble over an apparently controversial song choice. Back from the ads and Danniiiii is too upset to talk. If only she'd been too upset to sing for the last 10 years.

Give her a wash it's X Factor toughnut Rachel Holiday Inn. Singing Rule The World which I think JLS had dibs on as well. And she absolutely murders it. Louis said in the VT that she can sing but there's no likeability. He's right about the latter but the voice is dreadful. There's a couple of guys in pants coming down from the roof on big curtains. Wank. Holy shit the judges think it was great. Were they listening to Sandy Burke on their iPods while that was going on.

Danniiiii is still crying. Louis doesn't appear to give a fuck. Rachel pleads for votes. Or is it crack?

Time to vomit up your dinner it's Diana Vickers. Wax Face is back! TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR FACE YOU ANNOYING COW. Listening to her in rehearsal is painful enough. Here we go then. Nails on blackboard time. Deep breaths. Have a little patience.
Why does she keep turning her hand? It's like she's got a bag of Salt 'n' Shake.

Ouch. That voice is agony. It's like bad karaoke. Ruddy murder. The hand, god, the hand. Chop them off. Bleuuurghhhhhh. Judges will obviously love it but that made me want to be punched in the balls by Ricky Hatton.

Oooof. Thanks Ricky.

Here's Yoonog. Dressed like he should be hanging about outside the chippy. Dog tags. When was your Tour of Duty then ya wee cunt? Bunch of posh girls come on the stage for the chorus. Yoonog nips behind them and boffs the lot of them without missing a beat or changing his sheath. Impressive.

Dermot tongues the whole lot of them. Just slightly less vomit inducing then when Kate Thornton used to do it.

Xtra Factor. Holly Willoughby does a completely different accent to the one she does on Dancing On Ice. She's very proper on that but on Xtra Factor she talks like she gives blowies backstage for a fiver. That's ITV2 for you.

Fuck this. On to the results show. Same Difference and Rhydian plug their new songs. This is just a big fucking promotional show for the Simon Cowell industry. Shameful.

The sing off is between JLS and Rachel. Rachel sings with balls. Literally she sounds like she has balls. Did you know that Rachel doesn't live in the X Factor house? She doesn't appear on the show anymore either. It's back to the crack dear.

The results show. Home of the Long Pause.