Strictly Come Almost Live Blog

Tonight John Sergeant and his dancing partner Kristina Collarandcuffs dance off into the sunset after his decision to quit. It makes a quite average show seem even more average.

Is it time for Brucie to go? Never mind that, look at Tess Daly's tits! They're one bounce away from falling out. The band should strike up Baggy Trousers and be done with it.

Did you ever see Craig Revel Horwood on Celebrity Masterchef. The guy was sweating like a hostage throughout and had uncontrollable trembles. Anyone he scores lowly should remind him what he was like under pressure.

Up first Brendan Cunt and George Clooney's ex. Did she have that many chins when she was with George. Doubt it. Some kind of fruity quickstep. By the way, I can't tell a good dance from a bad one. Let's make this a 1 one though since it's Brendan. Posturing wankstain. Tess appears to have tucked the tits back in. Scores 35. Piss flaps.

Next up Christine the Irish TV presenter and Matthew Cutler. She'll go soon as no-one knows who the fuck she is. They're doing the cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Bruce just cracked a joke then starting coughing. I thought we were having a Tommy Cooper moment there. Back to Christine. Hmm, that was dull. Let's give it a 5. Arlene's face doesn't move much does it. Len says Christine should have whipped her knickers off to wow the crowd. Throw in a ping-pong ball trick as well and I'm with you Len. Bit of fake argy bargy amongst the judges. Scores 29. Meh.

It's Jodie Kidd and some guy called Ian. Is Jodie really a supermodel. She's tall but the face, oh god, the face. Looks rough as fuck at rehearsals but blames the flu. Must have had the flu for the last 10 weeks then. It's jive time so break out the bunny. Starts out stiff and looks uncomfortable. Like me in silk boxer shorts. Great Pile of Shit. Good grief her sister is just as ugly and probably not tall. It's a 3 from me. Judges are saying the exact opposite. It's quite comforting to know I can't spot a good dance. Scores 30. Rum-ba-ba.

It's Tom and Camilla. Tom's in Hollyoaks. What a legend. Camilla looks like she got her hair dyed in nicotine. Nice. Tom's got his angry eyes on. And his angry moustache. Was it as good as Austin's last week? I have no fucking clue but I'll give it a 7. Scores 36. Bonus ball.

Now it's Rachel and that dirty little Italian Vincent. Will he boff her on the dancefloor this week? Vincent has ears like Spock and must be a 24 waist. Now he's mincing in a pink tutu. Hate you Vincent. He's got his hair lacquered down so it must be the foxtrot. A sedate dance so no chance of him getting his end away (on air anyway). Fiance is now a sniper in row Z and her brothers are in to beat the shit out of wee Vince should he put a foot (or finger) wrong. Let's give it a 4 but it's going to be a top score. Scores the maximum 40. Worth a blowie for Vincent then Rachel.

Follow that Austin and Erin. Austin has the pecs out. Polite applause for Bruce's latest "joke". Erin Boag is the roughest looking professional dancer on the circuit. A cross between Celine Dion and the Wicked Witch of the West. It's more cha-cha-cha, this time to the tune of Raining Men. Plenty hip action from Austin. Again, I'm no expert but the song and the dance just don't work together. I'm giving it a 2 and they're only at halfway. Judges are getting hard ons though. Scores 35. Shagnasty.

It's John and Kristina's last dance. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife and serve it between Kristina's ample bosoms. The dance is over and now they're milking the congratulations. Back to Kristina's udders again. There are tears and laughter. Like an episode of the Russ Abbott Show.

Right, that's that done. Christina will probably go. No biggie there.