Tranny Magnet

Watched a bit of that Channel 4 doc about the tranny pageant. Surprisingly not a single one of the trannies was remotely attractive in a double take way. They all just looked liked a bunch of blokes in dresses with their cocks tucked up their arseholes like Toby jugs.

To be honest I don't know what I was expecting to get out of watching this show but I'm pretty sure the best freaky moments were within the first 20 minutes when you meet the "girls". It's difficult to take a man seriously when he's talking about his amazing vagina without realising he has a face like Joan Rivers in a wind tunnel.

Sorry Megan, I'm taken

Shit, I really want the contents of your Boxfresh undercrackers Keith.

I'm gonna queef!

Stinka the Minka

This is Minka Kelly. Draw your own conclusions.

Armchair

There's nothing wrong with falling asleep in your favourite armchair. Unless your favourite armchair is in someone else's house.

Apologies, I've been drinking.

Big Brother update

Haven't watched much since the start but I'm quite confident about the following:

Sree is as creepy a sexual predator as there has ever been in the house. Poor Irish girl Nurofen is the unfortunate object of his affections. Uncomfortable viewing.

Rodrigo has now become Stephen Gateley.

Carly is always dressed up with nowhere to go. What a fucking voice though. Ball gag required.

I wonder if Lisa has managed to turn any of the women yet. I'll wager not, the fucking troll.

Angel was shaving her face the other day. Why not Google the word "Kratochvilova" and get back to me. Cock and balls.

That'll do for now.

Duckworth Lewis

The Duckworth Lewis Method can be applied through all aspects of life, after it's been raining of course. For those that don't know it it basically means the target is reduced after rain stops play.

So you get a blow job for 8 minutes but outside it's raining. When your partner is looking for you to reciprocate you can employ the Duckworth Lewis Method and only give 3 minutes back. Result, unless your a rampant pie muncher.

Let's think of some other examples. In your own time of course.

Minge

Alan Carr has a new series on Channel 4 called Chatty Man. You have to reckon they must be saving a show called Irritating Cunt for someone else then.

This toothy prick end has basically stolen the mannerisms of Frankie Howerd added a bit of Harry Hill shoulder action and drained away anything passing as humour. But he's gay so we love him.

Minge.


-- Post From My iPhone

Round up

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Quick Gordon Brown thought

Do you think that when Gordon Brown farts his facial expression changes in any way at all?

I honestly think he could manage a low level follow through without even twitching or grimacing.

Should a man that can do this really be fit to run the country?

If you're a new reader you'll quickly find that I always cover the big issues.

Apprentice Final

Can exclusively reveal that the final only lasts 10 minutes and that Kate wins.

All because for the first time Sir Alan catches sight of those fucking awful shoes that Yasmina keeps wearing.

"Woah, they're fucking hideous, you're fired! Get out bitch, get out" barked Sir Alan when he saw them.

Probably.

Big Brother 10

Interesting bunch you might say. Multicultural. Let's do this from left to right:

1. Charlie - a gay Darren Gough
2. Carly - some unemployed Scottish bint who looks too much like Fearne Cotton for her own good.
3. Rodrigo - a well waxed Brazilian. Looks a bit like Bruno. Nice boy though. The type you could take back to your mother. If your mother had a strap on that is.
   
4. Beinazir - lanky, piercings, more jangle than Jimmy Saville.
5. Sophia - was like a startled little animal. The eyes, the nervous hands. Will get a fright every time Beinazir walks behind her.
6. Sree - get the virgin in. Will fall asleep with a hard on every night. No shortage of fluffers standing by either.
7. Angel - Russian boxer. Should just fuck off now and be done with it. Would sleep with the light on if she was around.
8. Kris - made from Russell Brand's smeg.
9. Sophie - massive fake tits, massive fake hair. Will look horrific without make up you mark my words. But you still would.
10. Siavash - Justin Lee Collins meets Rasputin. 23 my fucking arse. Cunt.
11. Noirin - sounds like a headache tablet. Gimme a pack o' ribbed blobs please luv, aw and better chuck ee's a packet o' Noirin as well, ma heeds bangin'. However, once again, you would.
12. Freddie - token posh Tory wank. Will probably be caught having a posh Tory wank in the shower by week five.
13. Lisa - fucking rough looking lesbian. If you watched porn for all your references you would have assumed that Sophie, Carly and Noirin were the lesbians and that they'd have been fucking by now. Anyway this tattooed rug muncher insists she can turn women. Presumably she meant to suicide, drink or drugs.
14. Cairon - sounds like a handwash but in fact is a very poor man's Pharrell in a very cheap t-shirt. Ticked the box of showing plenty pantage.
15. Saffia - get a bra, jiggly tits.
16. Marcus - you can guarantee he smells. Bad. Looked more Onslow than Wolverine in the wifebeater.

So there you have it. Quite a nice bunch really. Can't say I'll be paying it too much attention over the coming weeks. Unless the "real" lesbians get down to it of course.

Minge

Fuck Twitter let's blog bitches.

Not blogging now, I'm a tweeter

Got it.

Butch

Every morning Ray Wilkins must wake up and think fuck me, how the hell did I land this gig. Keep practising the fist pumps you lovely bloke.

The Apprentice Week 3 Review

Another hilarious episode. Can't believe I've never watched this before. As it's the holidays, eldest (7) was still up to watch this for the first time and I can tell she was impressed that I shouted "cock" at the TV as soon as Ben appeared.

Here are my notes from tonight:

Nyaaah! A bad start as it's Lorraine who gets out of bed to answer the phone. If you thought she looked rough in the boardroom you ain't seen nothing yet. Looks like something from The Exorcist. In fact, I'm sure when she answered the phone she said "your mother sucks cocks in hell." Get the vicars in for next week.

Daddy, what's a cunt? Well darling it's real name is Ben Clarke. Honestly, I'd throw something at my telly if it wasn't a full HD Patrick Viera. Obviously, he's never had a shag as he's obsessed with building a sexercise machine. This on the back of his making money is better than sex remark. Regardless of personality he has a pus that needs a good smack. Add in the personality and we have a total cunt. Pinstripe shirt with white collar, pinstripe suit and look at the fucking socks. Aaaarrghhhh.

Kate aka the one from All Saints. Apparently she's been shagging estate agent Philip. In the first week her mouth only opened on one side, too much Philip cock. This went away to be replaced this week by an eye that didn't appear to open properly, obviously the victim of a Philip spurt.

Little Nooral. Poor little Nooral. I've noticed that Sir Alan has tiny shoulders. Well they do say tiny shoulder tiny cock don't they. I reckon Nooral will have to play this card in a couple of weeks to save himself. But Sir Alan, I have a tiny cock. You know what it's like to have a tiny cock. Don't fire me tiny cock Sir Alan. Might work.

James. If last week hurt like it did when his cat died then this week must have felt like his cat was brought back to life as a zombie cat but when it was purring on his lap launched a frenzied attack on his genitalia. Still at least when he got back to the flat everyone seemed pleased to see him. I wonder why that didn't happen with Ben?

Some prize that. Being shouted at by a coked up Katherine Jenkins. Philip's mind was drifting off as to how he could facially pester Kate for next week's show (my bet is on her being deaf in her left ear until some jism trickles out during the pitch). Debra and Yasmina indulged in a bit of hand holding which gave me the right shivers though Nooral probably stored it in the wank bank for later.

I mentioned Debra there. She's quite annoying isn't she. Not too popular but doesn't seem to give a fuck about that. Good to see that Sir Alan gave her no credit for her team's success. Time for my is it just me moment. Is it just me or does wee features Debra look strangely like Sky Sports pundit and ex Celtic and Bayern Munich striker Alan "Rambo" McInally? Look at their wee mouths. Even Sir Alan's little willy couldn't get in there.

Trinny and Susannah

It may be a trick of the light but does Susannah have a cock?

Bumcloth

Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Surely the two most irritating women on television. Both have the same condescending interview technique masquerading as a sympathetic ear.

Fortunately Lizard Face Thornton was booted off X Factor and is now reduced to Sky's Hello Goodbye. I've blogged about this before the series started but it deserves another mention. Kate stands at the departure lounge of Heathrow hovering around a family whose 28 year old daughter is about to fuck off to the other side of the world on her own "to ask herself questions". It's obvious she's been dumped by her long term partner but Thornton doesn't go down that route. Instead she tilts her head to the side, her drawn on eyebrows sliding down her face and her gurning smile in full effect and says to the parents - "you're going to miss her aren't you". And the mum cries. Proper tears, not the ones women do when they fan their hands in front of their face like they've got a sweat on. What amazing fucking television. I could ditch Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Sky Multiroom, Sky HD and just pay £65 a month for that. I felt privileged to have invaded their privacy.

Later on Sky News, intrepid reporter Kay Burley travels up to Edinburgh to meet a girl who's a first time buyer and has saved up enough with her partner for a flat. Kay nods patronisingly at the girl whilst she explains her predicament and then they go for a perplexing walk along Portobello beach. For all Kay contributed they might as well have sent a cunt on a stick to do the interview.

This brought back memories of a couple of Kay's recent "celebrity" interviews. After interviewing celebrity stalker Barry George she claimed to have been celebrity stalked by him thereby bracketing herself with one time nation's sweetheart Jill Dando. I think her claims fizzled away.
A couple of weeks back Kay interviewed the man who was Paul Gascoigne. Gazza playfully told his nephews he wasn't drunk, almost insisting that they concur on camera. To be fair, if he wasn't drunk he was certainly fucked up on medication. Kay asked if he'd like to manage England (or was it Newcastle) in the future to which Paul replied a definite yes as long as he got his coaching badges. If Kay was in charge of the FA she'd have sacked Capello on the spot. Any interviewer worth their salt would have pissed themselves laughing at have to stop the cameras.

So there you have it. Kate Thornton and Kay Burley. Two women cut from the same cloth. The kind of cloth I'd wipe my arse on.

Boo hoo

"It hurts like when my cat died". That'll get you hired you tiresome wank.

Don't you just hate that

when you're having a bath and someone comes in to have a shit and read the paper. It's just plain rude. My sympathies go out to Kelly Clarkson.

Ryan Giggs goosed by Mel B