Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Lions
Just passed a store where the ultra expensive British & Irish Lions apparel is being heavily discounted at no great surprise.
You've got about a 4 week window to wear the stuff so it's almost an everyday wear to get the value.
Anyone wearing the stuff now looks like a bit of a cunt. Obviously I wouldn't say that to their face since they're undoubtedly built like a brick shithouse.
You've got about a 4 week window to wear the stuff so it's almost an everyday wear to get the value.
Anyone wearing the stuff now looks like a bit of a cunt. Obviously I wouldn't say that to their face since they're undoubtedly built like a brick shithouse.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
A response from Sky News
Dear Kwallity
Many thanks for your correspondence of 30 June. As our esteemed leader Murdoch is controller of the weather we arranged for a small period of blazing sunshine to appear at the moment you decided to walk uphill in to town wearing a jacket. This provided us with much hilarity via satellite as you began to sweat like Lee Evans on stage.
If we could paraphrase DJ Talent for a moment - when we say Britain, we mean London! Britain is London, Britain is London!
Yours faithfully
Sky News
Many thanks for your correspondence of 30 June. As our esteemed leader Murdoch is controller of the weather we arranged for a small period of blazing sunshine to appear at the moment you decided to walk uphill in to town wearing a jacket. This provided us with much hilarity via satellite as you began to sweat like Lee Evans on stage.
If we could paraphrase DJ Talent for a moment - when we say Britain, we mean London! Britain is London, Britain is London!
Yours faithfully
Sky News
Ana Ivanovic Retires Hurt
And here's the pictorial evidence. She hurt her thigh and is trying to rub it better. At least I think that's what she's doing.
An Open Letter to Sky News
Dear Sky News
Can I point out that Britain is not basking in a heatwave, London and the South East is. I know that from your point of view London is Britain but the rest of us are finding this type of reference to be right fucking tedious.
For the record our weather in Edinburgh today is akin to that seen in Carpenter's The Fog, King's The Mist or Shakespeare's The Pea Soup.
Yours
Kwallity
Can I point out that Britain is not basking in a heatwave, London and the South East is. I know that from your point of view London is Britain but the rest of us are finding this type of reference to be right fucking tedious.
For the record our weather in Edinburgh today is akin to that seen in Carpenter's The Fog, King's The Mist or Shakespeare's The Pea Soup.
Yours
Kwallity
Monday, 29 June 2009
Anyone for tennis?
Fans of this blog have been clamouring for some tennis commentary and who am I to disappoint.
Unlike Andy Murray who's made a right cunt of the opening set.
My point though is that the acoustics on Centre Court are awful. It's like playing tennis in a cupboard. Which I would do against Ana Ivanovic.
Unlike Andy Murray who's made a right cunt of the opening set.
My point though is that the acoustics on Centre Court are awful. It's like playing tennis in a cupboard. Which I would do against Ana Ivanovic.
Pardon I
Oh sorry I appear to be using your face as a bowling ball. I must apologise, I'm not a dirty player and would never do it on purpose.
Tut and indeed, tut.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Gary Richardson is a talentless tit
In terms of sports interviewing techniques the BBC's Gary Richardson is the most inane cunt I have ever had the displeasure to listen to. Think of Garth Crookes at his worst then double it. I have witnessed some of his interviews before and the questions lack any kind of angle or insight. The kind of things that a 3 year old might ask.
Just saw him interview Andy Murray with the classic what have you been doing this morning?
Andy Murray replied with some of the following. Take your pick as to which.
"Got up"
"Had a shower"
"Had a wank in the shower thinking about the Williams sisters"
"Had a wank in the shower thinking about Rafael Nadal and a pumice stone"
"Had some cereal"
"Talked to you you smarmy little cunt"
Just saw him interview Andy Murray with the classic what have you been doing this morning?
Andy Murray replied with some of the following. Take your pick as to which.
"Got up"
"Had a shower"
"Had a wank in the shower thinking about the Williams sisters"
"Had a wank in the shower thinking about Rafael Nadal and a pumice stone"
"Had some cereal"
"Talked to you you smarmy little cunt"
Bees v Wasps
Remember the summers of your youth when bees were bees and wasps were wasps?
Back in the 70s bees were considered pretty dangerous. They were everywhere. Wasps you didn't see so much though they were still to be avoided which I've managed to do with bees and wasps.
Touch my wood.
Nowadays, all wasps are complete bastards. Really aggressive cunts with attitude and big balls. Bees are like they've been smoking dope for the last 30 years. Big bumbly bastards who meander about at a pedestrian speed, minding their own business in the main. Don't get me wrong, stand on the thing and it'll sting you but they just seem to have a different agenda to us and to wasps.
There was a bee came in the window on Sunday. I told it to fuck off and it did! Right back out the window. You wouldn't get that from a wasp.
Back in the 70s bees were considered pretty dangerous. They were everywhere. Wasps you didn't see so much though they were still to be avoided which I've managed to do with bees and wasps.
Touch my wood.
Nowadays, all wasps are complete bastards. Really aggressive cunts with attitude and big balls. Bees are like they've been smoking dope for the last 30 years. Big bumbly bastards who meander about at a pedestrian speed, minding their own business in the main. Don't get me wrong, stand on the thing and it'll sting you but they just seem to have a different agenda to us and to wasps.
There was a bee came in the window on Sunday. I told it to fuck off and it did! Right back out the window. You wouldn't get that from a wasp.
Standards are slipping
Yesterday I was passing through town when I saw a place called the "Open Eye Gallery".
What the fuck? Are we actively promoting the display of naked sphincter muscles and glands in the high streets of Edinburgh.
Doesn't anybody think of the children anymore?
I contacted the local MP to demand that this abomination have the windows frosted and a strictly over 21's admittance policy.
He told me to fuck off as he was trying to do an expense claim for his recent Prince Albert.
What the fuck? Are we actively promoting the display of naked sphincter muscles and glands in the high streets of Edinburgh.
Doesn't anybody think of the children anymore?
I contacted the local MP to demand that this abomination have the windows frosted and a strictly over 21's admittance policy.
He told me to fuck off as he was trying to do an expense claim for his recent Prince Albert.
Ruff
I think it's fair to say that Jordan is rapidly cashing in the goodwill she has built up with the British public over the last few years. As Peter Andre is photographed having fun with the children so it is that Jordan is pictured on holiday with musclebound men reassuring her, for a fee, that she's still got it. Mirror, mirror on the wall and all that.
She hasn't got it anymore let's be honest. It's all pretty desperate stuff, as are the cover stories in OK! about depression and "my suicide attempt". Cut it out love before they start using your picture on cans of Pedigree Chum.
She hasn't got it anymore let's be honest. It's all pretty desperate stuff, as are the cover stories in OK! about depression and "my suicide attempt". Cut it out love before they start using your picture on cans of Pedigree Chum.
Monday, 22 June 2009
What A Dick
I'd make a great private detective with my love of all things observational. Right now I'm sitting in my car on an imaginary stakeout.
Will someone get me a fuggin' cawfee and a Danish!
Will someone get me a fuggin' cawfee and a Danish!
Friday, 19 June 2009
WTF
Why are HMV plugging the soundtrack to War Of The Worlds as the perfect Fathers Day present. I'd fucking well freak if my kids got me that.
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