This X Factor Blog means the world to me

Watched the X Factor semi last night. I'm talking about the show rather than Lermot O'Dreary's moment of arousal. It was a tepid affair. At this stage the judges are unlikely to criticise everyone in case that affects the way the public vote.

So everyone was great. Except they weren't.

Oonog - is this what the youth should aspire to. Is this supposed to be greatness. An ordinary, non-descript performance of a Busted song followed by the blue murder of an Abba "classic". By the way, is it just me or is it true that to say anything derogatroy about Abba nowadays is sacrilege and you would be punished by having the blu-ray edition of Mamma Mia force fed to your arsehole by a viking.

JJB Sports - or Kuntz as they could be known. It's catchier and sounds less like a satellite TV channel than JLS. A highly effeminate version of Umbrella followed by a song I didn't recognise. The way Louis started to cry after the second song you would think he'd just found out the News of the World were going to run a story about how he boffed all four of JFK on his luxury Dublin casting couch whilst Westlife looked on masturbating in perfect harmony.

Sandy Burke - I felt that Sandy was a bit of a let down this time. Her first number was OK (though I'll be fucked if I can remember what it was) but her Unbreak My Heart left me disappointed. It wasn't because of the godawful Matalanesque trouser suit she was wearing but because we know from the original that Toni Braxton hits certain notes in that song. We know that Leona Lewis would be able to hit those notes. Sandy Burke didn't really attempt them and that left me thinking that her voice was a bit less special than we had previously believed. Still, the judges wanked lyrical over it as usual.

Vickers Sinex - fuck off Diana Vickers.

And so she did. At last.

The high point - Yoonog bursting into tears as he realised that he could no longer nip through to her room in the X Factor house at 2am for a bit of hand relief and banjo strumming. Cried like the schoolboy he is. I bet his hard nut looking dad will beat the shit out of him for that when he gets home.

The low point - barefoot Diana is surrounded for hugs by JML, Yoonog, Dermot and Sandy and not one of them stood on her toes.