Gimplord goes on suicide watch and other X Factor related musings

• Twas Britney night on X Factor. I'm a big Cheryl fan but she looks like the lolly from a Sherbet Dib-Dab next to Britney.
• Red ribbons all round as well. Who needs government when the X Factor is telling us what to do.
• Lermot O'Dreary and his Action Man hair get more annoying as the weeks go on. He must have an aching frenulum from all the tongue action he dispenses.
• First up was Tits Lorenzo. Never good to go first but if you're going to save yourself make sure your squeezed into a basque. Can't remember what she sang but it was OK.
• Next, I think were JML. I don't know their names except for the wee lead singer who seems to be called Aston. Aston has really weird earlobes. They hang very low and detached from his face as if he's been wearing Pat Butcher's earings since he was 5 years old. Simon says they were limp and lame which is fair enough.
• Sandy Burke sleeps with her sister and is singing Toxic tonight and is wearing rubber kex. She couldn't look or sing any better and is clearly now the most talented person in the competition. Having said that I don't think she'll win. On closer inspection you could drive a small die cast car up the middle of her parting and not touch any hair. Sack the stylist.
• Yoghurt Quigg is piss poor. There's no energy or balls behind any of his work. Dannii warns him she's not enjoying the kind of High School Musical route he's going so he better not sing one of them later or she'll be raging.
• Would Diana Vickers please put some fucking shoes on. I don't even want to talk about her voice.
• Ding ding round 2 of this marathon session. Tits Lorenzo is singing behind a farting goose. Or maybe a wind machine. A very aggressive version of Always. And here come the tears. Not a good look for Ruth as she's crying like she just got a javelin in the leg.
• Was it JML next again. White suits, fucking awful bog standard ballad. What a bunch of ferrets dicks these guys are. Dermot asks a question and one of the guys answers but Dermot wants Aston to answer because he looks like he's going to cry. Aston can't talk so the original guy answers the question.
• And that question will invariably be - how much does this mean to you? And the answer will always be - the world Dermot. I'd vote for Diana Vickers if she came on and said she could take it or leave it, no biggie.
• Sandy Burke belts out a stotter. So good in fact that Simon and Louis started applauding eagerly after she'd sang one word. I kid you not. She's full on crying and for the second time Dermot is reaching for a hankie. What, he's going to have a wank in front of Sandy Burke! No, it's just for her tears. The thing is it's a really crumpled old bit of tissue like you'd get stuck to your shoe in a nightclub toilet. Is it the same one he offered to Ruth. You'd think he would offer a fresh Kleenex Pocket Wipe. Credit crunch hits X Factor.
• Cheryl is crying with Sandy Burke. The next logical step would be for them to meet on stage and embrace. Then maybe have a bit of a snog.
• Oh no Yoogan's doing High School Musical. Dannii's going to slate him. No. In a total contradiction she thinks it really suits him and was wonderful. No Danniiiii. It was fucking lame. Soft as shit. He's no Zac Efron.
• Greatest moment in the X Factor ever as Yoonog focuses really hard to produce a tear but there's nothing there. Dermot says he's looking emotional but there's no tear. He's trying like constipated bear pushing one out before hibernation. Fucking pathetic.
  
• Probably my most despised song of all time is REM's Everybody Hurts. Fuck a duck Diana Vickers is singing it. Gimplord is on suicide watch. It's truly terrible and she's still not wearing any shoes.
• Vickers is kind of crying now. She looks like she's been smeared in Vaseline. Bit like Louis arsecheeks then. Dermot's reaching for the wanky hanky again. Dirty bastard.
  
• Miley Cyrus can proper sing compared to that Vickers woman. And she's younger. And she's wearing something on her feet.
  
• I've not seen the results show but its goodbye Tits Lorenzo. It's been on the cards.
• Britney mimed.
  
• Only Sandy Burke is worth voting for.
  
• I hate X Factor.