Daily entry

So far this year I've managed to average out a blog post a day. Recently though I've been Twittering like a mad thing so any little short bursts (e.g. that Ray Quinn gets right on my tits) that would previously have been blogged are now on Twitter. Updates are down the side of this blog but really you should get in to Twitter. The downside to this Twitter activity is that I've got a bit less to blog about just now until I start doing some more cartoons. To make up for it I'm posting another gratuitous Megan Fox picture.

What have we done to deserve this

There's only one thing worse than Myleene Klass. And that's five Myleene Klass's.

Run for the hills!

It's like an Aphex Twin video. I particularly loathe the one with the neckscarf.

Now that's how I like my Starbucks

Venti Vanilla Latte with 3 sugars in a to go cup hand delivered by Megan Fox in a revealing top. A very well spent £2.90.

Corden Bleurgh and the state of UK comedy

It seems that the BBC have found the saviours of comedy and are throwing the whole department's budget at Gavin & Stacey funsters Horne & Corden. If ever there was a flavour of the month then this pair are it. Hosting the Brits, doing a movie about Vampire Lesbians (how original we are children. Can Britain do a comedy film?) and now there are bus sides everywhere for their new "hilarious" BBC3 sketch show.

Now don't get me wrong I enjoyed Gavin & Stacey but the level of exposure they're getting is unreal. It shows how utterly bereft we are of original comedy in this country nowadays. Look at the line up for this years Comic Relief - why it's Gavin and Stacey! And Lenny Henry!

Man, we really need a British equivalent of HBO or Comedy Central that would invest in good comedy. Sky should be doing that instead of throwing money at horseshit like Hello Goodbye, Noel's HQ and Don't Forget The Fucking Lyrics Or I'll Twat You. The only original programme from Sky that's deserved a view recently has been Ross Kemp in Afghanistan. He was absolutely shitting himself when the bullets started flying and no wonder.

Anyway, I like the Old Guys on BBC1. Would help if Trigger could deliver his lines better because he is fed some classics. I watched FM on ITV2. It's about DJ's and is full of effing and jeffing. Now I like coarse but there's funny coarse and coarse for the sake of it and this was the latter. You can talk the filthiest shit with your mates and be in tears laughing but when you see that on TV it just doesn't seem funny unless the characters are spot on and these guys aren't.

BBC Scotland has been running some one off original comedy shows since the Chewin' the Fat guys fell out. Last week we had the Limmy Show, some clever bits, some weird, few laughs. This week we had Burnistoun which was a set of sketches set in a fictional town. Pretty much every sketch on it you've already seen played out better before. This programme was made by The Comedy Unit. Their website says that they have such a backlog of unread scripts that they are binning full scripts from the last 12 months. And yet shite like Burnistoun actually gets made.

Anyway, for some true comedy genius watch 30 Rock tonight. Last week it featured Jerry Seinfeld presenting a show called MILF Island. Now that's comedy.

IMAX 3D Porn

Can you imagine that. IMAX screens, 3D (which is now being touted as the future of cinema) and porno films. Quite an overwhelming prospect. In fact with enormous phalluses in your face and gaping orifices trying to swallow you up I get the feeling it would be like being stuck in the middle of an Alien v Predator battle.



I think that's Jenna Jameson's snatch on the right.

20/20 Opticians

My optician is the Queen Street branch of 20/20 Opticians. Each time I visit there are around 10 employees working on the shop floor yet you rarely see the same staff twice. Add to this that they always have to collect my contact lenses from the basement and it makes me pretty certain there's something quite sinister going on in that place.

2 + 2 = 5 if you know what I'm saying. Which you don't.

Brits 2009 Round Up

• Bono with eye shadow. Cock.
• Gavin & Stacey men. Have you ever heard of over exposure.
• Girls Aloud. Brilliant.
• Duffy. You could hide a Wrigley's Juicy Fruit in the deep lines of her unique face. She's 24!!
• Pet Shop Boys. Pet Shop Hamster Cage Shite.
• Too much monotonous crowd noise makes for boring viewing.
• Too much monotonous Fearne Cotton makes for ICD.

Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA is the most scripted reality show I have ever seen. The oohs and aahs are all out of sequence (which to be fair is in the small print in the end titles as is the fact that the programme contributes towards customer bills), the effing and jeffing is forced, every week follows an identical pattern of events. Every restaurant owner is a grumpy bastard who stepped off the set of The Sopranos who eventually sees the error of his ways after old torn face has called him a lazy fucker for 30 minutes.There's no doubt that Ramsay's schtick is wearing thin but at least on the UK show it doesn't seem so contrived and filmed in the same street every week.

For the record

The children that appear on MTV's My Super Sweet 16 UK are the most vile, obnoxious cunts known to man. I saw 10 minutes of this show earlier in the week and was so traumatised I had to step on to a garden rake to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

If this is the future we're in trouble.

Twitteratti

I've become obsessed with Twitter and twittering (or is it tweeting). When I say obsessed I mean obsessed. I love it. My favourite part of Facebook has always been the status updates and basically Twitter is just you updating your status as often as you want but to a maximum of 140 characters. I think that brings some discipline to whatever you write and cuts down on the waffle. I call it honing my craft. You can follow anyone and anyone can follow you although I think it is part of the terms & conditions that you follow Stephen Fry.

It has to be said that some entries are as dry as the crack of a nun crossing the Sahara, in fact it's 95% toss but you do get to follow celebrities and Fearne Cotton and you can come across a few porn stars. And who wouldn't want to do that.

Come join me. I mean follow me. I'm Steakbake. All eyes and ears. And arse.

Help me

My ears are slipping off!



Picture from tmz.com

Good Golly Goth

I spent my teenage years being moody and miserable and listening to The Sisters Of Mercy. Lead singer Andrew Eldritch was the epitome of mysterious cool.


Sad to see him fucking about in Milan with that div David Beckham nowadays though.

Mr Motivator

Does anyone else find Gordon Brown as inspirational a figure as I do. He just makes me want to go out and do stuff.



Except that.

Hello Fuck Off

Rather than invest it's money in producing original comedy or drama Sky likes to use it's money to serve up more mind melting "entertainment" shows than you can shake a shit dipped stick at.

The latest attempt is "Hello Goodbye". By all accounts this is a reality show based at Heathrow Airport and concerns the real life dramas surrounding people arriving at or leaving from Heathrow. Sounds nausea inducing doesn't it. In which case it's the perfect vehicle for strawberry faced Kate Thornton. So as loved ones part under distressing circumstances here's Kate standing next to them giving that "I've just filled my nappy" look that she does so well. Frankly, if I was ever on that show you'd see me being escorted away by HM Constabulary having booted Kate in the cunt.

Now that would be television.

An apology to Gillette and Bum Face Federer

Just had the most awful shave with Jonny Wilkinson's Pork Sword. Actually it wasn't a shave at all as it couldn't remove the hairs. I can't believe they even sell this, it doesn't work. Got the old faithful rusty bladed Gillette out to save the day. Now I'm shaved all over like the first baboon of Spring.

Twatter

As Gimplord I set up Twitter a while ago. I used it for a few days but the erection soon wore off. I liked it because I enjoy doing the status updates on Facebook and this was like doing lots of them. The downside was that it was a bit poor working it on my mobile.

I've got a second wind though and am loving it. Following Stephen Fry (is there anyone on Twitter who doesn't), Demi Moore, Eddie Izzard, DJ ENO, Jonathon Ross, Shaq and comedy writers Tina Fey (30 Rock, SNL), Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show) and Graham Linehan (Father Ted, IT Crowd).

You can catch my twitter updates down the left side of this blog but it would be even better if you climbed on.

Join Twitter now and you can twat yourself with me tonight. Or is it tweet yourself. Dunno.

Deo

Fuck me if Lynx haven't dropped my favourite roll-on yet again. I have very sensitive ockster (I have no idea how to spell it) skin for some reason and can only use certain deo's without irritation. These are usually Lynx products but only certain ones work. Pulse did. Discontinued. Click did. Discontinued. Now they have Instinct. It's supposed to smell like leather in a good way but actually smells like leather in a bad way. Like an old man sitting in a leather armchair smoking a pipe and pissing himself from time to time. Fucking rank.

So I bought Dark Temptation today. Sound a bit like an invitation to a forbidden anus so let's hope it doesn't smell like one.

Beardy

I haven't had a shave for about two weeks now. I look like a hobo and a bit too damn gingery.

I've been balking at the price of razor blades though. These Gillette Fusion ones are like £15 for 8 blades. I've also gone off Gillette because I'm starting to find Roger Federer's bum like chin too irritating. Most bum faced chin in sport since Will Carling I reckon. So I've switched to Jonny Wilkinson's Pork Sword incorporating Suzi Quattro's Titanium Bush Trimmer. The packaging is huge to fit that name on. Let's hope it's as close and comfortable as Suzi's leather breeks from the old days when she was the poor man's Joan Jett.

Valentines

Was in Marks & Spencer for a short while last night. It was like flies round shite with people grasping at the Valentines 2 for £20 offer. A lot of shops have been doing credit crunch offers but not so the florists and greetings card shops. You could easily spend £50 on some very average flowers and Clinton were selling some cards for £10.

Good to see that no matter how bad the economy gets we're still getting fucked on the high street.

Out of a job

Tony Adams has vacated his position as manager of Portsmouth.

By the looks of it he vacated the planet some time ago.

Taken the piss

"I will find you and I will kill you" says Liam Neeson in the trailer for Taken. This film is a real dud and Liam fails to convince that he could follow through on that promise. I'm sure he'd be blowing out his arse a minute in to a foot race.

The DVD comes out Monday as an "Extended Harder Cut". What the fuck does that mean? It's a bit longer and a bit more violent? Sounds more like a slogan on a cure for erectile dysfunction.

Grrrrrr

I'll tell you something that gets right on my Bristols and that's when the supermarket let the "local" kids sports club raise money by offering to pack your bags at the checkout in return for a donation.

Get tae.

You want me to pay for someone to badly pack my single bag of shopping. Honestly, if I bought a dozen eggs and an anvil they'd pack the anvil on top of the eggs.

Don't have nightmares

Whilst farting about with numbers with Total Recall in the background an ad just came on that has totally freaked me out. I can't find a link to it and I'm not sure I even want to.

You'll have seen a previous ad for the Think 30 campaign about slowing down your driving speed. The one with the little girl that goes back in time. As a dad it gives me the shivers every time I see it and the message really hits home. The latest ad is even more memorable but in a very different way. It features the contorted body of a young boy that's been knocked down and appears in the memory of the driver who hit him all the time. He's under the computer desk then he's at the door of the bedroom. I get the message about speeding but the ad is so damn scary it's difficult to watch more than 2 seconds of it. Pasty faced kids are a staple of horror films and that's what this ad is.

Woody Allen Diary

I've never been a big Woody Allen fan. There's something a little creepy about the way he cast himself as the love interest to women less than half his age plus I'm still traumatised by what happened to Scarlett in Matchpoint. Nevertheless this New York Times diary piece he did from the set of his last film is pretty funny.

Some Quickfire Bafta Thoughts

A classic Claudia Wankleminge red carpet interview with Penelope Cruz. Claudia tells her it might sound weird but she'd really like to sniff her hair to which Penelope replies "that is weird" whilst giving a get the fuck away from me look. A gem.

The fantastic Total Recall is on ITV2 right now. Sharon Stone looks amazing. That's like 20 years ago which is even more amazing. Tonight Sharon looked a right div trying to read the autocue. At least Goldie Hawn got a laugh out of being unable to read it. Shaz should have flashed her growler to distract everyone from her incompetence.

It's always the same with award shows. The films that are up for nomination are not the kind you'd actually want to see. I wouldn't cross the road to see The Reader. Actually I'd be phoning the council to see how they got planning permission to build a cinema across the road from me.

Hey Mick Jagger, you a funny guy. Keep milking that one joke now.

Who the fuck invited Titty Abbmus? And that dress is hideous darling!

Incredible India

Do I really need to say it?

I probably don't but I'm going to anyway.

What a cunt.

Creepy

So I'm watching Superbowl XLIII and the Cardinals are at the Steelers 1 and I'm thinking imagine if this got intercepted and taken all the way back the other way for a touchdown. 10 seconds later that's exactly what happened in the longest and one of the most amazing plays in Superbowl history.

Actually it made me feel kind of creepy. Maybe I've come over all pyshic.

And maybe not.

Back to the action now that Bruce Springsteen's fucked off back to Walmart to collect his cash.