Taxi for Gimplord

I really don't like getting into any kind of conversation with a taxi driver.

Shut up and drive as Rihanna would say. By the way, what a forehead that lass has. You could lay out a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle on it. That's a girl who really suits a fringe.

Anyway, yes, taxi driver conversations are uniformly dull and that's because they always set the agenda. You never get into a taxi and think, right today I'm going to talk to the driver about the Wesley Snipes tax trial, the upcoming rugby internationals, what DVD he last rented and if he's ever had an STD.

Nope, never happens. Instead you're asked about your work, weather, traffic, roadworks and if you know the best route to where you're going as he can't be arsed thinking about it.

Even worse are these microphones they have so that when the taxi stops these speakers activate and you can hear the driver talking more clearly. Unfortunately you can also hear them masticating and, as happened to me last week, you get a good belch in stereo sound.

I just close my eyes, pretend I'm asleep and start daydreaming as Rihanna tells me she's missing a bit of edge and could I get down on all fours and help her find it.

Park your arse

Starting to get a lot of buses again. I love watching people's behaviour on buses. Who they choose to sit next to or avoid, how they make themselves big so no-one will sit next to them, how everyone loses themselves in iPods and Metro's.

I had this guy with a man satchel sit next to me yesterday. I carry a sizeable Crumpler myself but this was some kind of effeminate leather and buckle thing. Anyway, he sat next to me which was annoying enough as I was trying to read and was sitting spreadeagled like a Blind Date contestant testing out a Thighmaster. I didn't give an inch though.

As soon as another 2 seater was available he was off like a shot. I take that as a personal insult. You've chosen to sit next to me and you'll fucking well sit there until I say otherwise. Am I that offensive that you have to move away at the earliest opportunity?

It's something I don't do myself. If I plant myself next to someone then that's me for the whole journey. Even if the bus empties of passengers. The whole top deck could be deserted except for me and the person I've sat next to. Quite unnverving for them.

In fact, the only thing more unnerving would be to go upstairs on the bus, see that there's only one person there and still go and sit next to them.

I recommend it if you want to be physically assaulted.